Quantcast
Channel: theater of guts
Viewing all 580 articles
Browse latest View live
↧

I Dismember Mama

July 8, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0


I Dismember Mama Directed By Paul Leder, Starring Zooey Hall (1972).

This is the first feature in one of the most dynamic trailers of all time, I'm talking of course about "The Giggly Guy" coming attraction from Mad Ron's Prevues From Hell! 
That trailer with fictional newsman Howard Scott, the Up-Chuck cup and a John C. Reilly look-a-like is legendary to all of us here at the TOG Headquarters. It made a theatergoer go berserk down at the Bijou Theater! We tend to mention it whenever the chance arises and Skunkape and I will sometimes prank call each other using Happy Goldsplatt's voice or chuckling in that warped deranged creaky giggle.

It scared the piss outta the old lady!

   I count this as the dud of the double feature. Only a grindhouse huckster could dredge up such a clumsy double bill. This one is a pedophiles wet dream, while Blood Spattered Bride is some high brow Karnstein bloodsucking lesbian splatter. Vicente Aranda directed that artsy piece of vampiric cinema and is still working today, before he made "Bride" he directed The Exquisite Cadaver (see Chris Poggiali's review here).
   The two films have little to nothing in common but I Dismember Mama was directed by Paul Leder, whose daughter Mimi went Hollywood and churned out some of the most big budgeted wretched popcorn cinema like Deep Impact, Pay it Forward and the recent HBO show The Leftovers. Paul made this a few years before My Friends Need Killing (review here), right after APE. 
   I remember seeing that video box with the scary goateed fellow pointing a switchblade (with his next victim in the reflection). It was in a lot of videostores in that glorious era and I never bothered to rent it until I saw the trailer on the "Mad Ron" tape. They tried to sell this thing with all its various titles like "Don't open the door", which sounds almost exactly like that Ramones song "you should never have opened that door". 

The Night Stalker copied my style

  Albert (Zooey Hall, who sort of looks like Richard Ramirez) pines for the affections of an underage pre-pubescent blonde and the film wants you to be on board with their twisted relationship. Here's a strange fact-- in reality Annie (Geri Reischi) the underage girl Albert stalks, went onto play Jan Brady on the Bunch's Variety Hour!



I took Albert to my audition and he slugged Eve Plumb with a led pipe!


 We first meet the ferret-like Albert at a mental ward, the actor who plays him does a good job of being disturbing and creepy, they use the most inappropriate music while he almost strangles a nurse to death. He's institutionalized for trying to stab his mother and can't wait to get out so he can kill again, because he believes "all women are whores".



I challenged Fonzi to a knife fight and kicked Richie in the nuts

Albert is a rich conceited bitchy fellow who thinks he's the cats pajamas, this actor went onto alot of TV shows like Happy Days and Barnaby Jones (going by David Hall). Maybe he was afraid this movie might effect his wholesome career.   

   After stabbing a hospital worker he slips out and is now loose on the streets. His doctor, who doesn't even bother to toss pills at him, has given up. 
   Down at the Yum-Yum Tree plaza the escaped psycho hot-wires a cadillac and plans to pay his frightened mom a visit to "finish the job". 


out of all these choices which one will give me diarrhea the quickest?

   The slap happy Big Band music is wildly ridiculous as he strolls around in clumsy fitting hip clothes and a giant hat that is in danger of popping off his giant mane of werewolf hair. At this point I should mention I vomited alittle over the shitty music, good thing I had my patented Up-Chuck-Cup!


Fasten this cup to your face now! 

   He humiliates his mom's busty red headed friend and makes her strip, just before he stabs her to death. Then her daughter Annie (who becomes the object of his unhealthy fixation) shows up and he lies to her like a child molesting Grinch.

   None of this matters because they relate to each other immediately as children and she even runs away with him. Their relationship takes up the majority of the film, they also have a quaint mock wedding! The montages start comin fast and furious as the theme song "Poor Albert" plays. The criminal couple make a whole day of it, they go for a boat ride then on a trolly and have a picnic! The sleaziest part of the film is their twisted relationship and in his sick mind, he cares about her because in his words she's "undefiled". Excuse me, BARF WRETCCCCHHH!

Whew, Ok I'm back now! He carries all this warped lust inside and murders a random blonde to fulfill his craving to rape Annie. Pedos do the darndest things!



That's OK Officer, we're fine

OK, I'm glad I got that free distressed stomach cup (which is getting pretty full).
A detective (who's kind of stupid) follows them around, but is never on the right track. That character is played by Gerald Mullavey the psychotic Nam vet from My Friends Need Killing. This film is unpleasant on many levels and to me it registers as half good (I'd give it a sideways Ebert/ Siskel thumb). 

SLIGHTLY RECOMMEND FOR PURE TRASHINESS THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE!



    

↧
Search

Succubare

July 10, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0



SUCCUBARE Directed By Wai Yip Starring Carter Wong (1981)

by Steve Fenton

US video ad-line: “A Blockbuster of Bone-Chilling Horror!”
A decidedly grotty Thai/Chinese coproduction from 1980, this is yet another in the spate of films ripping-off the Shaw Bros.’ over-the-top BLACK MAGIC duo. Four beautiful princesses of the “Mao” [sic?] tribe rule a superstitious mountain village near the Northwest Chinese border. Using extract from venomous snakes, these high-maintenance princesses (drama queens, more like!) possess the power to cast magical spells on any male foolish enough to spurn them romantically. Plentiful puff adders, cobras and centipedes slither and scuttle ominously about throughout. The “Ick!” Factor is decidedly high: A man who raises the witch-bitches’ spiteful ire develops a bloated, “pregnant” belly, and when his pasty white stomach is slit open a writhing mass of centipedes and redworms splork out. A Shaolin monk coughs up blood, while another lucky fella vomits assorted species of Annelida (them’s worms). Zombie-like afflicted spell victims become covered with scabs and cankers and writhe in agony…and so would you. A forlorn cow is axed to death and skinned in queasy detail, and a dog is roasted on a spit at a celebratory barbecue. Mmmm-mmm…pass the HP sauce!


Kobayashi I challenge you to a Salamander eating contest!


   The American distributor of this sordid affair laughably tried to pass it off as a “real,” mondo-style documentary along the lines of SHOCKING ASIA, even going so far as a bullshit explanation for the lousy dubbing (“For your better understanding, the producers of this picture have endeavored to replace the native language with English wording”!). Obviously non-authentic, SUCCUBARE does however contain more than its fair share of yucky mondo madness amid much unintentional humor and spastic kung fu. Within the first three seconds, a guy geeks a live, squirming serpent. Later, he chomps on a fat, squishy toad. Later still he bites the head off a white mouse. This mungy-toothed “character” serves absolutely no purpose other than to provide intermittent gross-out value, his scenes interspersed at regular intervals throughout the narrative (such as it is). Thus, only cheap thrill-seeking geekfreaks need apply. Just don’t plan on eating beforehand, during or immediately afterward. You have been warned!


Mao herpes/ Campbell kids disease aint pretty!


   Back in the ’80s, SUCCUBARE used to be available on VHS tape in N. America from the VCR company, duped in crummy LP mode, as I recall. Although copies of this flick are exceedingly hard to come by these days, there is a fully widescreen trailer for it on Volume 3 of the GRINDHOUSE TRAILER CLASSICS series, so by all means grab a copy and check it out.



↧
↧

Gore-met Zombie Chef from Hell

July 11, 2014, 7:00 am
$
0
0
-Reviewed by Skunkape-
Directed by Don Swan (1986)




This film received the infamous dog rating or Bow-Wow  in September 1988's Deep Red number 4. This big box title would stick out like a sore thumb among mom and pop video stores everywhere. Then one day this big box would shine in my very own collection of VHS titles. My friend worked at a sub shop/video store and it was going out of business. So we snatched a few titles that you would never be able to purchase at your local Suncoast.(remember that place?) This was a time in my life where I was experiencing all the greats for the first time, classics like Evil Dead, From Beyond, Bad Taste! So needless to say Gore-met Zombie Chef had nothing to offer except a sure way of falling asleep."Hated it."



The Gore-met Chef is named Goza.(Theo Depuay) An immortal priest once part of the righteous brotherhood, kicked out and cursed to eat human flesh for killing the high priest. What a great idea, not, instead of killing Goza the remaining freaks, sorry I mean brothers Azar and Lonzar give Goza a curse in which he has to murder humans and eat them to stay healthy, other wise he gets weak and a nasty skin condition. Not very righteous if you ask me. So what is poor Goza to do? Well, with the help of another defector of the brotherhood named Blozor they open up a beach club and bar called none other than Goza's Beach Club and Bar where all his sauces are kept secret.

The Curse:Putting Goza on the Rag?

Yellow American, Provolone, or Foot Cheese?


So why even review this movie? To be honest it was featured at the Alamo Drafthouse as part of their video vortex series. Did I go? No, it was on a Wednesday, Wednesdays are bad for me but I did watch it again and after fifteen plus years of bashing it  I enjoyed evreything that I once hated about it. The terrible quality of the film, terrible jokes, and terrible effects all made for pure entertainment. Goza will even randomly talk to the audience on occaision like he's fuckin' Ferris Bueller, but the best scene is Goza's big dance number with a few topless chicks and goofy sythesizer music blasting. It's like a skit from Tim and Eric.

"Ladies would you like to do the macarena?"


So, am I reccommending this film to you now? Hell no, but when you've seen everything under the sun, from Return of the Living Dead to Salo and the Gore-met Zombie Chef finds it way to your TV set, it may be a good way to kill an afternoon and maybe even a few smirks.
Only a pro like Steve Bissette would figure out this movie is one big Righteous Brothers joke!


3/10 On the CULT-O-METER



See what horrors you'd find in the big box above!

Watch Theater of Guts' Trailer/Music video






↧

Kris Gilpin IMHO Dept. "A DRIVE-IN BIMBO PREMIERE"

July 14, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0

A DRIVE-IN BIMBO PREMIERE
By Kris Gilpin

I'd read about Joe Bob Brigg's Texan drive-in premieres but this was the first such event I was actually able to attend. On the night of Wednesday, May 4th of 1988, with LA rock radio KNAC and Empire'sAssault of the Killer Bimbos at Burbank's Pickwick Drive-In. 
  The doors--I mean the gates--opened at 6:30 P.M. and the lot quickly filled to capacity. There were balloons sporting the title of the film tied to each speaker and each patron received a bag containing assorted "Bimbo" goodies: candies, a free pass to a local female Mud & Oil Wrestling show later that night, a Bimbo buck good for one free small popcorn and a drink (signed by Anita Rosenberg, the film's director), an "I'm a Killer Bimbo" button and an Assault of the Killer Bimbos bumper sticker.

Button available Here


   A small stage was set up with microphones just in front of the snack bar; also in the area was a table Empire had set up on which they were selling red Killer Bimbos T-shirts for 5 $ each. On each side of the stage were speakers and in front of the stage were long tables with chairs.
   Empire head Charles Band was buzzing around the crowd, talking to people, and the celebrities had begun to show; Angelyne, Our Lady of Perpetual P.R., was sitting in her trademark pink Corvette, her boobs overflowing her top; and I happily met Barbara (Re-Animator) Crampton (very sweet), who was leaning against her car.

Help somebody get the jaws of life, I'm stuck to this corvette!


   The first order of business happened around 7 o'clock, as a KNAC D.J. hopped on-stage to introduce a trio of young women flown in from New Yrok for the show; they are the group The IDolls and they mimed to playback of two of their tunes (they were probably too nervous--and it was too cold--to really sing). They wore pink two-piece, plastic tops and minis, and danced along with the music (their second number was "Give a Dog a Bone")! Though she called herself "Tippi", I recognized the pretty blonde as actress Tessa Richarde (she had the topless scene shortly into The Last American Virgin).



   Then it was time for the Bimbo Costume Contest as 17 young women lined up, dressed appropriately bimbo-ish, to see who would cop the coveted honor of appearing the proposed sequel film, Bimbo Barbacue (yes I'm serious). About half of the girls wore something like bandanas tied around their breasts and showed lots of leg (some wore lace stockings with garters). The youngest looked to be about 13; she was not sleazed out and was very shy (her mother must've thrown her up on stage)!

Coming Never to a Drive-In near you!


   The celebrity judges sat at the tables in front of the stage; they included actor Dick (Bewitched) Sargent, sex kitten/photo hound Edy (Beyond the Valley of the Dolls) Williams, Angelyne (who later walked away from her when Edy wanted someone to take a picture of both of them together), comic Jack Carter (who mugged for pictures with Angelyne, pointing to her chest and saying "Look, there's three of em")! The movie's director and two of its "bimbos", the Barbarian Brothers and Connie Stevens, who still looks cute.

That's right I was a Bimbo judge, I wanted to score....with Eddie Deezen!


   The lights were not turned on as the sun went away; the audience cheered and rooted for their favorites, as thin halter tops and gobs of curly hair were everywhere. One woman named Heidi was wearing skin-tight pants with a zipper which ran up the ass; it earned a comment for the D.J.
The winner, however, was a smiley woman in a near-trenchcoat, looking more like a Bimbo Bum. After announcing herself as "The Scum Queen," the crowd was in love. There were three runners up, one of which looked nude and wore a sort of sheer body stocking (the audience went wild over her).
A crew from Entertainment Tonight was taping that night and it was said that Showtime (or come other cable network) was also around. It was finally time for the film to begin.

What do we do now, we've never had sex?


  How was what? Oh, yes, the "film". It was about three women on the lam, falsely accused of murdering their sleazy boss (a go-go club owner); they get bent if anyone calls them "bimbos". The script is purile and the action unfunny (sometimes embarrassingly so); we stayed for Eddie Deezen's cameo (though he may not want me to remind you--never mind), then just drove out (many cars had already left before us), as it had become unwatchable. More dreck from Empire. Oh well; the festivities had been a lot of fun.
   Bimbo Barbecue? I wouldn't think so.


↧

The Hypnotic Eye

July 16, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0


Hypnotic Eye Directed George Blair, Starring Allison Hayes (1960).

The first time I bought The Hypnotic Eye from Chas Balun, I felt burnt, I mean it had snippets of commercials and was dubbed offa late night tv! To be honest, even though I felt robbed there's noway you could catch it on a late night Creature Feature (or wait patiently for a resurgence in Florida where there were no local horror hosts at the time). I'd have to catch it by coincidence in the dead of night and have a videotape ready, back then there was none of the modern cable aides and technological enhancements that we all take for granted now!  

Mmmmm.... roasted hair



    The version I'm reviewing is the widescreen copy from Warner Archives. The first time I saw the trailer for this film was on "It Came from Hollywood" which was a precursor to MST3K, but instead of Mike and the bots you got John Candy, Cheechand Chong and the cast of SNL. 
   That image of a women washing her head over a burning pilot light stuck with me in an unsettling way and made me wanna plunk down the 20$ to get that rare film from the VHS bootleg catalog. I didn't know what to expect when it arrived, I watched it all alone, just me and a grainy TV copy of an early 60's heavily misogynistic B movie shocker with an evil hypnotist who despises women. Desmond (Jacques Bergerac), the twisted hypnotist's voice sounds like Sasha Baron Cohen in Talladega Nights.
   All over town, women are slicing their faces open with razors, drinking lye and burning their flesh off with acid. The creepy hypnotist is controlling their minds and the poor girls, hallucinate into thinking they're only applying cosmetics or washing their hair.
Most of these ghoulish elements are straight out of an EC horror comic. During 1960 many horror films were breaking boundaries and taking chances like Peeping Tom, Eyes with a Face, Mill of the Stone Women, Circus of Horrors, City of the Dead (Horror Hotel), and of course Psycho.


What do you call a cat eating lemons, sourpuss!


   The extremely sexy Allison Hayes plays the hypnotist's assistant and is the main culprit behind their sick hatred against all women. Desmond looks sort of like Rod Serling.
The writers use psychology and mental suggestion in a brilliantly dark fashion and TheHypnotic Eye has more depth than the usual schlock-fest. It's still kinda square in a hokey William Castle style, but also demented which is a nice combination.
   Later on the H.G. Lewis'sWizard of Gore would take this concept into grisly
uncharted territory in the mid 60s.
   The actual flashing light of the eye reminds me of the hallucination scene in Brain Damage when the light fixture gives off a veiny ocular appearance.
   Desmond takes Dr. Phil Hect's girlfriend, who's trying to solve the mystery to a beatnik club where a Steve Allen looking poet goes on about being a teenage horror movie addict, I think we can all relate here! In Psychotronic they claimed Big Daddy Ed Roth was on bongos, but it's actually Eric "Big Daddy" Nord, another beat generation hipster not the famed Ratfink inventor.


OK for our next number let's kick it up a notch with some powerviolence


   Phil (Guy Prescott) has been tailing them on their mock date to see what horrific acts he will commit on his girlfriend Marcia (played by Marcia Henderson).
   There's some vague lesbianism between Marcia and Alison Hayes as a scalding shower is turned on, or maybe I just wish there was.



Everybody in America wishes this was a lesbian scene


   The second half sort of turns into a mutated women episode of Dragnet as Phil and his buddy question all the female victims of the magician's wraith.
But has he been responsible at all, or is he just a puppet in a faceless women's hateful revenge fantasy committed against all females!
   In a horrifying twist of fate the beautiful Alison Hayes died in 1977 from led poisoning brought on by calcium supplements. I can't say enough good things about The Hypnotic Eye it's un-nerving, creepy and schlocky all at the same time. I am grateful that a company like Warner Archives have so many lost titles like this for public consumption and hate to say it but it's always better when dupes and inferior bootlegs are replaced by the real deal! 


 BUY HERE (Or Get a Warner Archives free trial)

↧
↧

ILSA : Harem Keeper of the Oil Shieks

July 23, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0


Ilsa Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, Starring Dyanne Thorne (1976).

This is the film that turned everything around for me, I expected to be offended, shocked and morally bitch smacked. What I got instead was a laugh riot, as the series continued the Nazi elements which have always been implied, started to fade into the background. In the first movie they are front and center in a totally fetishized manner. This is my favorite of the series, it's so campy and in league with early John Waters, who's always sort of flirted with Manson elements and comical fascism. This is what sustained the series, they got more fun as they went along and Yes!, as you may remember from the first Ilsa, she was murdered at the end. In fact everyone from the original film who died are back, only this time their roles are re-arranged so the audience doesn't get confused (I guess)?
   IMDB and the Cinema Snob claim they softened this sequel to drum up mass appeal, I have to scream Bullshit at that assumption! There's noway that anyone besides degenerate neo-nazis, people wandering into the wrong porn theater, hardcore gore nerds or misanthropes would be able to stomach this Nazisploitation. I've stayed away from this series, that before I caught on Youtube, I thought was the equivalent to stomach churning trash like the Traces of Death series or any other Mondo knockoffs that I avoid like ebola syndrome. So if I was too nervous to watch this, you know any regular theater patron of the mainstream 1970's would not even dare venture into the depths of a dingy grindhouse or swampy drive-in to see this--- not ever. So Fuck whoever started this internet rumor that's given me a pet peeve beyond belief! 

Take these so you don't have a baby


   So what do you do when your gulag is bombed out and you have no place else to conduct diabolical medical experiments, you head out to the Middle East of course!
Suspend that logic incessantly gnawing at your brain stem because many of the busty babes that were decimated in all sorts of ungodly ways are back for more torture! Most of these titanic chested glamazons have worked for Russ Meyer, like Colleen Brennan, Uschi Digard and Haji (R.I.P). 
   Jerry Delony from Slacker and Invitation to Ruin is the sadistically hammy El Sharif. American investors Dr. Kaiser and Commander Adam use "good old diplomacy" to fly in and get some of that sweet black gold. Harem Keeper doesn't waste time with the cruelty or debauchery as three sexy girls with ginormous tits show up in chastity bikini bottoms (with a key hole) and are set aside to be killed slowly later.


Ewww he smells like Hummus and hot garbage


   Ilsa is second banana to the Sharif and is his instrument of creative ultra violence. This time she's constantly accompanied by two sexy black chicks named Velvet and Satin (Tanya Boyd and Marilyn Joi). We get to see what they are made of, as they beat the living shit out of a flabby dude, while both topless and tear his mustache off in a bloody husk!


You're next, Hipster with a wacky ironic stache

   Sometimes Dyanne Thorne's calloused mannerisms remind me of a thicker thighed Dee Reynolds from It's Always Sunny. There's tons of lesbian sex as the Meyer girls, who arrived in giant present boxes from the beginning are put to ball draining work.
   Don't drop your pants just yet, because there's never a moment in this film where something erotic isn't interrupted by something vile and revolting. There's cages of fat women force fed with an industrial feeding tube that has a hand crank attached. Faster Pussycats' Haji is a belly dancing spy who gets some of the cruelest torture inflicted upon her. Ilsa crunches her breasts with a vice and lets some ants feast away until her eyeball dangles out of her skull like a Graham Ingles drawing. Later on, they ram the shit out of her with a hydraulic dildo that blows out her guts! This should shut anyone up who tries to argue with me that this film was toned down or tame.


This is gonna hurt your asshole


   Even though this is a Nazi film, there's hardly a mention of Hitler, but there's something event more ghastly to chew on, most genuine Nazis were accepted in the Middle East and the Israeli-Palestine conflict isn't doing antisemitism any favors. Even if they remade this, the location makes perfect sense. 
   There's no overt political message, but the underlying connotation of oil barons torturing and buying human sex slaves is not all that uncommon. It's a stereotype that's not that farfetched. 
   The level of sleaze and unpleasantness is pretty high, so expect to be offended!
  Dr. Kaiser (who hates sheep eyeballs and later gets fed a human one) and his buddy Adam Scott, the American investors finally arrive. Ilsa goes out of her way to seduce Adam, she gets dressed up like a Christmas ham and even walks two greyhounds at the party to impress him. This is the kind of randomness that really works to this film's advantage and there are some funny moments among the vicious cruelty.



Richard Kennedy would be a perfect guest on 70's Match game


   The Sharif thinks Richard Kennedy is gay and sets him up with a boy sex slave. This comedic talent was also in The Love Butcher, Invasion of the Blood Farmers and Edmonds action classic Bare Knuckles. During some of the sex scenes they use library music from Dawn of the Dead!
   Buck Flower (Back to the Future, Massacre Mafia Style) shows up an a beggar with leprosy who gets to fondle Ilsa's milk cannons. Even she gets tortured for not obeying Jerry the eyeliner dwarf's (or The Sharif's) orders!  
   Ilsa doesn't die this time, she just waits it out in a dungeon until TheTigress of Siberia, which is another great sequel! The series continued on where Jess Franco tried to squeeze a little more cash out with Wanda The Wicked Warden. And to this day, Ilsa-Mania is so popular that Dyanne Thorne sells personalized autographs and conducts weddings with her husband (who played a prisoner in one of the sequels). Check out the link here! 
For just 25 bucks you can get a cheeky photo of Ilsa lathered up like this one from the Tigress in Siberia.




WATCH HERE

OR BUY HERE

↧

KRIS GILPIN'S IMHO DEPT: HG LEWIS CLOSE-OUT SALE PT. 1

July 25, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0


HG Lewis Close-Out Sale! Part 1

By Kris Gilpin

Here are short reviews of several Lewis pix I've finally had the chance to see thanks to Something Weird Video and their sleazy and cheap Dvds (R.I.P Mike Vraney and Dave Friedman).




BOINNG:

The title can be taken two ways, I suppose. It's one of the prettier undies from the early Herschell era, as it's in color. Directed by "Lewis H. Gordon" and produced by "Davis Freeman" (David F. Friedman). The credits offer hand drawn nudes and names typed so small you cant read them (at least on tape). It begins with two silly-acting buddies who, after viewing a double bill of Lucky Pierre and Nature's Playmates (two previous Lewis/Friedman collaborations), decide to shoot a "nudie-cutie" (as Friedman calls them) of their own (the marquee for these nudist films offers a "free tube of suntan lotion" with each admission). One of these guys is Herschell leading man Tom (Blood Feast) Wood, here billed as Sweetwood. Shot in 1963, it was funny for me to see a store sign for S&H Green Stamps, which my family used back in Miami! The two guys drive a vanful of girls to what looks like some pseudo-mansion's front lawn, then film them with a hand-cranked camera as the script acts out a series of unfunny vignettes; of course, the men who paid to see these flicks nearly 30 years ago didn't give a shit about comedic relief, but why does so much soft-core--up to and including teenage Crown International flicks, and even some hard-core--feature embarrassing antics by grown men?



   Is sex and skin that embarrassing for filmmakers to deal with? Anyway, they hire a cameraman for their shoot, and by the end of the film I recognized the face and voice to be that of Herschell himself--or at least in the last two scenes (knowing these films, Lewis probably stepped in for the part with Friedman holding the real camera, after say, the original actor either walked or was fired). 
   There's lots of saxy and horn-y type music on the soundtrack, and one blonde and one brunette have great bodies; there's lots of nice skin on display here, as opposed to say, the tease of Scum of the Earth, but aside from the good epidermal delights on display, the movie gets kinda boring before the buddies finally finish their epic (Nature's Nudnicks). They then screen it for a distributor named Mr. Halitosis--will he buy it from them? What do you think? Worth a cheap purchase, this film is, if you're interested in cinematic 60's skin.





A TASTE OF BLOOD:

I saw this one a long time ago, then lost my notes. Yes, it's two full hours (!), Lewis' longest opus ever, and yes it gets a bit boring after awhile, and no there's very little blood dripping in it. Herschell has his much-publicized cameo with phony hair/mustache in funny "Cockney" (?!) accent. I saw something (a wing perhaps) hanging off of the camera in one early pan in the film. This businessman gets a package (sealed by wax) from his royal ancestors in London. It's two bottles of brandywine addressed to the Master of Corfax ("1888, wow, this should really be smooth)!" (An aside: I saw this at a Herschell fest full of typical older pretentious L.A. art-farts in semi-formal wear! This shitty city has high and low-scum)!

   Anywho, you know what the red stuff really is and after awhile the guy's hooked; this main actor tries but the rest of the cast sucks (for a change--ha ha)! He turns vampiric and the proceedings are melodramatic, with some laughs; he gives his girl the chills when they kiss and there are reams of dialogue. Tom Wood's on hand for his usual good Lewis support. More hokey gaffs as the bloodsucker shies away from the sight of a cross/locket; he also knocks over a pawn on his chess board after taking his third sip of vino, as a howl rings through the night (he laughs, then steps outside to hear it some more). Hilarious shot of a boat in a harbor for London, along with old stock shots. Our Dracula hypnotizes with a shiny light from his ring, then gets staked with a broken pool cue. The pace is slow and it's mostly made up of master shots, with few close-ups and much more story then gore, unfortunately (a definite Lewis liability)! One typically intense moment features the line "There's a flowerpot in the mirror and not you! The only intentional laff is some guys dragging around their "detective dog" ("which way do we go?;""I don't know, ask the dog)!" The film drags its ass to its Big Ending, a close-up of the family emblem in a coffin: two dogs. Because of this flick's rarity though, it's worth a look of course for HGL' ophiles. Made in Miami.





JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT:

Herschell's"destruction epic". It starts with a long scene of shitty rock filler/music in a club (OK Kris I gotta step in, The band on stage were called The New York Square Library and had incredible garage rock fury-Crank, the editor).

Teenage garage mayhem not dipshit music!


   As we then follow a gang of "long-haired hoodlum youth with a bad 'tude. Mostly a silent movie with dipshit music, we see them light people's newspapers on fire as they're reading them (they don't notice for awhile, just slow I guess). They light paper on fire on a lady's lawn, spray her with a hose (she stands there and takes it; just slow I guess), and drive off as she says, "You damn kinds!"; they bug sweltered straights; toss a cop's helmet in the air; put cigarettes out in people's coffee; trash a ridiculously barren "restaurant" set and burn the owner's hand; bother a blind man; beat up a crippled accident victim; stick a young' un in a garbage can; tear clothes off a line and stomp them, etc. One of these guys is Ray Sager, the youthful Wizard of Gore hisself.

   A song on the soundtrack explains, "They're a bunch o' smelly, hairy apes; nowhere to go but down!" This thing probably scared a few really old, easily frightened farts in its day. The actors take long, dead pauses between dialogue, as they struggle to remember their lines (or wait for direction which never comes); and there's the longest silent montage (of harassment, in this case) which, stunningly, goes on and on forever (interspersed with bizarre, discolored close-ups of the kids laughing) since Larry Buchanan'sIt's Alive! 

the original Garbage Pail Kid


   There's a cheesy fisticuffs scene where the good guy splits his pants, and transitions are implied by shots of newspaper headlines telling of the gang's terrorisms; there papers are subsequently axed, set bonfire, have blood thrown on them, etc. This film's amusing in its dipshittiness today; it must have cost all of $10 to make. The plotless plot ends with the kids being taken away after they drug four girls at a wild party; they "rape" them (they're wearing their underwear) and rape a girl on the beach, then upset a putt-putt boat in the water. The camera's stiff, with lots of simple master shots and the sound's mostly terrible (when it's there of course). The lighting's often too dark and tinted, too, while we're talkin' bout it. This time, though, it all makes for a movie you can giggle at in its cheesiness. A couple blows up in the climax, after a bike chase and a final painted warning warns, "The end of the story, but not of violence." A brick then sails through a pane of glass.

↧

Red Spell Spells Red

July 29, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0


RED SPELL SPELLS RED Directed By Titus Ho Wing-Lam (1983).
by Steve Fenton

By purest coincidence, mere minutes into my initial viewing of RED SPELL SPELLS RED back in the ’90s, I sat down to enjoy a juicy Oriental-flavored Mr. Noodles (“Instant Noodles In A Cup”); probably a BAD idea, as attempting to ingest edibles during these more excessive HK grossathons may easily result in extreme stomach distress.

Use caution, may cause projectile vomiting


An interfering documentary film crew defiles the holy temple of the Red Dwarf Ghost by opening its long-sealed burial container. Later, in a hallucinatory sequence as he views the daily rushes, the documentary’s editor watches his hand ground down to a bloody stump by the rotating metal spool of his splicing console (he is also lassoed and nearly throttled by a length of film which suddenly takes on an unnatural life of its own). A man is paranormally propelled into a river and has his head cracked repeatedly on large pebbles; another is impaled on a tree; another’s arm is severed via machete; a woman is spread-eagled over the lighted wick of an oil lamp by poltergeist influence; suppurating sores spout pus right into the camera’s unflinching jaded eye.

HK's answer to Terry Gilliam's Brazil


On the Mondo front, much-more-genuine atrocities are apparent: suckling pigs graphically have their throats sawed open and are systematically disemboweled while still twitching with diminishing life; an elderly Oriental gentleman geeks a live chicken and suck gizzards like stringy wet noodles from its headless neck-stump.

The Good versus Evil conflagration of RED SPELL SPELLS RED’s latter minutes is a typically-unhinged Hong Kong combination of unabashed cryptic occultism and flashy physical pyrotechnics that manages to be repellently irresistible. If you’ve got the guts – and the stomach for it – by all means check it out: just prepare to be horrified!

I knew I shouldn't have tried to make Italian Kimchi, what was I thinking?


NO LINK

↧
Search

KRIS GILPIN'S Unearthed Works Dept.

July 31, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0



 By Kris Gilpin

Crank here (or Erok as people now know me on FB), Here's one of many unearthed works by Mr. Kris Gilpin, originally printed in Wet Paint, a zine by Jeff Smith.
The first time I read anything by Kris was in the Horror Handbook, where he interviewed celebrities. The Lynn Lowry interview when she mentioned how the naked girl from "I Drink Your Blood" pulled out a tiny comb and fluffed up her pubes--is the kind of hilarious antidote you can only expect from such a seasoned professional. We feel privileged and honored that he decided to unveil these works for us and the readers as well, most haven't been seen since they were first published in the early to mid 80's!

    Thanks to Greg Goodsell for finding this rare treat, now sit back and relax, we'll soon be taking a time machine back to when George Romero and Tobe Hooper's projects were looked upon with more anticipation then Meh kind of responses and zombies were popular among underground circles and not in the mainstream (or on baby clothes)! Puke! 


   In the most stupid, wasteful act of booking during the weekend, George Romero (the only real reason I wound up schlepping all the way to the other side of town for the event) was tossed on stage to spend a scant 45 minutes with three other people too: John Russo, Tobe Hopper, and author Gary (The Howling series) Brander, who later signed 75 free copies of his latest book on a first-come, first-served basis. This meant questions were taken on a round-robin basis, with each person only having time to answer a handful each (and they were typical dead-head questions at that). For us Romero fans, it was a shameful waste of a semi-rare opportunity to get into this filmic craftsman's mind a little more. What follows is only the most interesting dialogue from the panel:

Russo, fatigued from flesh eating 

John Russo: "I just finished a year and a half of 10-12 hours a day at the word processor, so I'm all spaced out;
I did a novel called MAKING LIVING THINGS and a non-fiction book called MAKING MOVIES, which is about the whole business from the ground up and how to do everything from making a TV commercial to making your own feature. Interviews with George and Tobe are in the book, along with 10 other directors."
   Scott Holton, the panel's moderator, told all that Hopper's latest project was directing the highest-rated episode of THE EQUALIZER TV show (the one dealing with the homeless). 

Brandner wrote The Howling series, Floater and Cameron's Closet (R.I.P).

GARY BRANDNER [apparently the oldest on the panel]: "I can't say how thrilled I am to be on a panel with men who've been my heroes since I was a small boy [all laugh]. The next thing coming out that I was involved with is a movie called CAMERON'S CLOSET.FLOATER [the Tobe Hooper project] is the dark side of an out-of-body experience; I thought, what if somebody floated around and came back, and their body wasn't there to get into anymore?" (Floater was an abandoned project for Empire Pictures. ed). 
RUSSO: [on the proposed remake of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD] "Some of the offers we got kind of melted away; I think we might get back on that. I'm going to be writing and directing my novel THE AWAKENING as a movie this summer in Pittsburgh."
   Half the place raised their hands for Romero questions, of course.
ROMERO: ["Anything else in the vein of MARTIN coming up?] "Anything in that vein? [laughs] MARTIN was a very personal film and my favorite of my films. I glad you like it too; thank you [smiles].


OK, Gunnar chew on these Coca Leaves so you don't pass out from exhaustion.


HOOPER: [on more TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE] "The whole Ed Gein thing was in the back of my mind when I made the first film; some of my relatives are from Wisconsin and, when I was a small boy, they used to terrify me with those Ed Gein stories. Leatherface and wearing real-skin masks did not come [from the Gein legends]; that came from the family physician who told me about going to a Halloween party as a pre-med student. He'd skinned a cadaver's face and worn it as a mask. [Crowd murmurs, quite audibly freaked out] I don't know what else to do with Gein; he's dead and gone. I don't know if there'll be a third film or not. There may be. There're aspects of the second film I like better than the first and vice versa. I think the less gore you see the better. Having hired Tom Savini for the FX I had a tendency to want to use him, but I worked myself into a corner with the MPAA, because when we skinned that guy in the sequel there was just no place to cut to, and the removal of that scene wouldn't have made any sense at all".


Shit, I forgot something-- I left my keys in that human skull candy dish



BRANDNER: [I had to change tapes at this point, and can't remember what film he's talking about; sorry folks! What movie is he referring to?] "The general feeling about Carlo Rambaldi's creature was a disappointment; I think the director, Armand [HE KNOWS YOU'RE ALONE] Mastroianni, and the editor did a hell of a job in making the final movie scary but the creature didn't come out really looking the way anybody wanted it to."
 (They mention the lame creature from Cameron's Closet).


RUSSO: "Some of my books have just been submitted for Movies of the Week; we don't know yet whether that'll happen. I wrote and produced the movie MAJORETTES, directed by Bill Hinzman, who was the ghoul in the cemetery in NOTLD; he then went on to make commercials."


Tight bros from waay back when.

ROMERO: [On Dario Argento, Italian horror filmmaker] "I think Dario's work, on these shores, is misunderstood by distributors and, to a great extent, by audiences; you have to be an aficionado to like his stuff. It's very operatic and stylish; I love his stuff!
I think the distributors can't find a way to sell his stuff over here and probably rightly so; I think those films'd have a hard time crossing Middle America and finding an audience. DAWN OF THE DEAD was half-financed by Titanus Films, which was a company Dario brought into the deal; part of that was that Dario had control over certain cuts in the film for the European market, and he had the right to use his own score and I had the right to use as much or as little of that score as I wanted for the English-language version. I liked that music by Goblin, and I used quite a bit of it."



The most half baked out of the 3 picture Cannon deal

HOOPER: [On his three-picture (LIFEFORCE, INVADERS FROM MARS, CHAINSAW 2) deal with Cannon Films]; "Before I'd finish one picture I'd start the next; they all overlapped; when I was cutting one I'd be casting another, etc. And always something'd go wrong in the Cannon [administration]. I was cutting 22 minutes out of LIFEFORCE--it was called SPACE VAMPIRES then, after Colin Wilson's novel--and I got a call from the story editor on INVADERS at Cannon. He said, 'We're having a lot of problems with the script; why do they have to come from Mars? 
I said 'Well, you spent a lot of money securing the remake rights to this title--where do you want them to come from?! I was real sorry I couldn't get that sandpit music 
[from the original]".

BRANDNER [On HOWLING 2, the film] "I was completely bummed out; I did a screenplay for it, none of which shows up in the final version. I think I spent about $12 on special effects and they shot in the dark so no one'd notice. As Joe Dante pointed out they had one terrific shot of Sybil Danning tearing off her bodice and showing her aptitudes; that was really the only good part in an awful movies; if you haven't seen it, don't!


photo tumblr_mo0028nvEF1rlct23o1_400.gif




HOWLING 3 I haven't seen; it's the same director as the last one, so I'm anxious to see it. There is a HOWLING 4--I don't know anything about that! They bought the rights to the title; heck, I'll sell 'em that and they can go on and do as many Roman numerals as they want! Somebody asked James W. [THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE] Cain, 'Aren't you worried about what [the movies] are doing to your books?' and Cain turned to his bookshelf and said, "They're not doing anything. They're still up there!"

OK, STAY TUNED FOR PART 2, which will be up in a few weeks!  

↧
↧

Raw Meat (1972)

August 1, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0
Raw Meat
aka Death Line (1972)
Directed by Gary Sherman
Starring Donald Pleasance
Review by "Machine Gun" Kristin

Looks like some sorta sexy cannibal orgy! That's definitely not the movie you're going to get! 




"Raw Meat" is also known as "Death Line", even though, neither name really capture this film. I suppose "Death Line" (UK title) is referring to London "Tube" subway line that is the center of this film. "Raw Meat" (it's US title), well, I'm not so sure about that. I guess it's more mental atmosphere brought upon by hearing those words. I think of squishy redness, bloody objects glistening on a wooden slab. As with most films though, what's in a name anyway? Alternate titles can either be the kiss of death of a film, making it's identity hard to pinpoint, or valuable in creating a reputation as to which version is definitive. Which I personally think can be confusing as hell. No matter what you call it though, this film is very much on the bleak side, without much of a storyline, and with much grisly imagery sprinkled throughout. It was written and directed by American Gary Sherman and it is his first full length feature. He's also directed the cursed production of the 3rd and last "Poltergeist" movie. He had to reshoot the ending due to the mysterious death (misdiagnosed intestinal stenosis) of little Heather O'Rourke. He also directed the "video nasty", "Dead And Buried" (written by Dan O'Bannon, who supposedly disowns the film). I haven't seen it yet, but I believe is still available on Netflix instant.


....Oooh Baby I love Raw Meat....

look at her kool outfit! 


looks like he got hit with a nuclear strawberry pie


   Here in "Raw Meat", we follow young couple Alex (David Ladd), who's American, and his cute British girlfriend Patricia (Sharon Gurney), who sports a goofy Jane Fonda "Klute"era haircut. Upon taking the London Underground public transportation tube one night, they find a man sprawled along the stairs. Alex dismisses the man as another drunk that's usually passed by back home on New York City's streets. His girlfriend snaps back, "This is not New York!". I guess us American's are pretty cruel to our fellow man, huh? They grab the nearest cop after boarding an elevator (or "lift") and have him help investigate the down-for-the-count man. After returning to the scene on the stairwell, the man is suddenly missing. Where did he go? This sets off a series of strange disappearances and murders. It's set to some fantastic Moog driven electronic music by Wil Malone and Jeremy Rose. Malone also did some of the music for the gawd awful "punk" film, "Jubilee", I hated that movie! Well, hate's a strong word. I've only watched it once and barely remember it. 



if there was any doubt about Alex being an America, you can be reminded through the decor in his apartment

where's my Celestial Seasonings?! 


   From various sources, I've read that "Meat" is about a race of cannibals. I totally missed that part. Maybe I zoned out for a minute? I kinda wonder sometimes on movie reviews if writers just copy off one another, or they actually watch the film beginning to end. Sometimes movies can be hard to read, plot points happen quickly, or are not thoroughly or easily explained. From what I gathered, we have a "man" hunting helpless people on the "tube" and dragging them down to his lair. His dead pregnant wife lies on a bed and they're surrounded by rotting corpses in his dimly lit space. They're supposed to be long gone tunnel workers who were trapped underground from a cave-in (from what I read online). I didn't actually witness "the man" eat anyone so I'm not sure about the cannibalistic aspect of it. (OK, there's clearly rotting hands and meat by their beds that they've been feasting on... I'm thinking you fell asleep during the review. Crank the editor)!
   Donald Pleasence plays the detective hired to solve this oddball case. He's shown many times, drinking and complaining about teas like a giant scary baby. It's hard to tell if he's even any good at his job because it doesn't seem like he does much to figure out what the hell's going on. I like the scene where he get drunk ( or "pissed", we are in London) while his buddy plays a flat topped pinball machine littered with empty beer glasses.

I'm pissed off my rocker

I can't help but picture the director looking like Gary Shandling 


   This is probably one of those films that reveals more with repeated viewings. Most of it has weak lighting, and it's hard to tell what's going on exactly sometimes, especially since it mostly takes place at night or underground. Oddly enough, Christopher Lee has top billing cast-wise in many of the incarnations of this film's posters, but if you blink for a split second, you miss his appearance. I hate it when famous actors are placed front and center as a shoddy attempt to sell more tickets or video copies. A good example is horror film, "Alice Sweet Alice" which a lot of times has Brooke Shields name up top, but she's hardly in it. The same goes for the super fun, "Trick Or Treat" which changed their DVD covers to display large photos of Ozzy Osbourne and Gene Simmons, even though they both make hilarious 2 second cameos and neither's music is featured.

from the super psychedelic opening credit sequence


Brooke Sheilds? Pffft! A slap in the face to the real star, Paula Sheppard, who convincingly played a 12 year old while in her 20s! Recommended!


haha, terrrrrible


one of the many awesome posters for "Trick Or Treat". It stars Skippy from "Family Ties" and Tony Fields (who was a Solid Gold dancer!) is the evil Sammi Curr. Highly recommended! 


I give "Raw Meat" 3 stars, or whatever funny rating system we're going for here. Unfortunately, the Netflix instant boat for this has sailed away, so you'll probably have to order it online if you'd like to take a gander at all the British slang and bloody bodies in a dark tunnel. If you have a DVD account with them, by all means rent it to see it for yourself. I haven't checked Amazon Prime or Hulu. There's way too many places to watch movies. haha

Original poster design for "Death Line"/"Raw Meat". Open in a new page to read the description towards the top. 




Watch HERE
Read Roger Ebert's hilarious review HERE



Buy HERE



↧

Blood Massacre

August 3, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0


Blood Massacre Directed By Don Dohler, Starring George Stover (1991).

First off I have to ask, who the fuck is Don Dohler?Blood Massacre opens in a smoke encrusted dive where they drink Schaffer beer and all the women have acne. The awkward tone is set by a great Pat Benetar ripoff song. The film quality is in league with the "Mr. Robbie" short (grainy, dark and nauseating). I don't know who Dohler is but I like him already!

Hey, who put a wig and eyebrows on a bloated sack of Corn Beef?


   A pudgy maniac named Rizzo who looks like "Radar" from MASH has a grudge against everybody. As he stabs a hooker--there's some loud thumping and chocolate syrup looking blood! It made me think of Serial Mom (the blood is not like in the horror movies, it's brown)! Don't worry the splatter effects get a lot wetter and meaty toward the end! Speaking of John Waters, Rizzo is played by George Stover, who you've seen in various bit parts through out the eyeliner mustachioed one's career (he was the priest that reads last rights as Divine in led into the gas chamber in Female Trouble).


Staff picks, Oh Boy you don't get that on Netflix



   Don is kind of like Robert Rodriguez, a one man wrecking crew, only with zero money and no star power. He's a great trashy film maker, I've just become aware of thru Chas Balun's VHS catalog (there's endless inspiration and value in that raggedy stapled pamphlet)! How could I have been a cult movie addict this long and not come across this director (I'm glad I discovered his work now and plan on checking out more)!

Everytime I try to get to third base you push me away


   Rizzo (Stover), the sloppy maniac from the opening has his own social club of inept criminals. They drive around in a shitty car, I love the realism these lowlives bring to the film. It's stuffed full of scummy charm. 
   Look out Retro VHS tape heads because there's an amazing robbery scene at a video store! Jimmy, one of the criminals wears a Kim Carnes t-shirt and shoots the brains out of a women's skull, which land on the poster of Endless Love.



I hope you choke on my brains Brooke Shields


   Jimmy (James DiAngelo) and Rizzo were in Nam together and mention how "Death was in season" back then, the tubby psycho seems to hate even his own kind. They mention Vietnam a lot, but this shouldn't be considered a Namsploit (even though there is a hilariously clumsy montage at the end with Riz). The tubby slob has a flashback in the forrest with a fast zoom in camera shot that steals a little bit from Evil Dead. When Riz gets trapped and hung upside down, he reminds me of Bill from King of the Hill. 

I will not "Be Kind or Fucking Rewind!"

   They end up at a house where a girl in a leotard is working out late at night with a boombox. It starts to teeter toward "Last House" territory when they meet a strange family (who have ideas about trapping criminals when they least suspect it).
   During the robbery scene and a fight they play this track that sounds like a classic NES game. 
   Monica (Lisa DeFuso), one of the other criminals who looks like a mall rat, puts down the stew cooked by the family they are holding hostage by saying "you should have buried that recipe with the family." We later find out why the stew tastes so vile!

the secret ingredient is goose sweat

   Dohler attempts a gratuitous shower scene with Liz the daughter (that basically shows nothing). She's a complete freak and bites Rizzo, the fat galoot on the neck. They make out and smear blood on each other, it's fucking disgusting! I was more prepared for a massacre not a vampire freakout!
   The first sign the dumb criminals figure anything out about the crackpot family it's too late! The ending was a really nice surprise and thanks to this film I may just have to check out more by Don D! 

The man behind the Muck

   Don Dohler, a schlocky filmmaker from Baltimore, created a magazine called Cinemagic and Wild which was a Mad Magazine style publication in the 60's and 70's. Robert Crumb and Art Spiegelman sent their early works to Wild magazine.
   According to The Baltimore Sun, Dohler was inspired to start his film career with Alien Factor after almost getting killed in a hold up at his government job. I love his style and will track down more of his films, he's got this cryptic, ugly, trashy, horrid technique that I absolutely adore. Sadly Dohler died of cancer in 2006, he was a talented guy who took what cheap elements he had and threw them together in the funnest way possible on the same level as Ed Wood or Ray Dennis Steckler. One of his movies called Fiend was on the Video Nasty list (oh boy have I been burned by those Brits lately) and Night Beast was referenced on 30 Rock (by way of Judah Friedlander's trucker hat).  

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!   




HEEEEERRRREE'S PAUNCHY!

Do I have spaghetti sauce on my face again?

Why won't Baltimore accept our same sex partnership!






↧

Human Experiments

August 5, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0

 Human Experiments Directed By Greg Goodell, Starring Linda Haynes (1979).

This film is not directed by Deep Red scribe and occasional TOG writer Greg Goodsell (all you have to do is add an S). Goodell was a TV director who started off with this (subtext and technically) dark women in prison film It's only available on VHS (even though Code Red, the most deceptive company in the horror business) claims there's a DVD which may or may not exist! Then Scorpion Releasing was supposed to put it out and dropped the ball, so now it's in limbo which is a shame.

Linda in Rolling Thunder when she had more guts

   Linda Haynes played a doormat or a lost puppy of a girlfriend to William Devane in the all time classic "Rolling Thunder". In that flick, she fired a shotgun, baited Mexicans, threw drinks down while quitting her job as a waitress, so she could follow her guy down to Mexico and execute bandits.
   She had balls man, but in this film they get torn off and her self respect followed along with it. I’m convinced that after watching Linda Haynes in Human Experiments that she fired her agent and left acting for good. (I didn’t bother to Google this info, cause the fantasy is usually better then the reality). I picture her agent looking like Chuck Mitchell drooling and saying “push the damn meat into the mold, Lane Meyer!” (translation Linda get full blown bush naked and roll around in bug shit and scorpion dung).

   So poor Linda gets stuck in some hillbilly dead end playing her awful country music (her singing voice is dubbed by someone else). Right in the beginning from the shitty Atari graphics, sandpaper scratchy film stock to the bad music you know you are in for an exploitive treat. 
   Here she plays Rachel Foster an unlucky girl with aspirations to become a country singer! Mr. Tibbs, (Aldo Ray) a crooked scuzzy hotel and hillbilly promoter fucks her over and she speeds out of town. Trouble starts tailing her car in the form of Jackie "Uncle Fester" Coogan as the stubby arm of the law. Good thing he didn't administer the light bulb anal intruder on Rachel!

   In this one they get weird lickity-split, as Rachel careens off the road after a near hit and run and ends up getting sent to one of the strangest prisons which later on, seems to me, to have influenced the one in Hell Hole with Mary Woronov. The explanation of why she's gets thrown in jail makes no sense to me, this time you can't even blame Southern justice. Foster barges in on a kid in the process of butchering his family and takes him out after he pulls a shotgun on her. It doesn't matter really how she gets to that freaky prison, just as long as she gets there, right?   

   All the actors in this mess make Linda seem like a stellar theater actress. All of them are ghastly in appearance and force you to see her as if she’s a pretty Barbie doll stuck in a heap of vomit and snot. She gets naked a lot in this one (while being deloused by an ugly nurse) and has a masturbation scene!

these pesticides should keep away those nipple flies


   Even though this run down video is hard on the eyeballs Human Experiments is fun and needs an official DVD release (Shout Factory I'm looking at you)! They already bought Hell Hole, this should be on their list.

Excuse me I forgot I left a Taco Bell crunch wrap on my dashboard a few days ago!


   Geoffrey Lewis (10 to Midnight, Little House on the Prairie) plays the warden/amateur psychiatrist who later pulls a brainwash style Manchurian Candidate move on Rachel. He's using the inmates as guinea pigs and turning some of them into drooling babies or assassination machines. The bug-eyed quack has jars of scorpions and butterflies on the wall, is he also an amateur entomologist? His insane theory is that if he wipes their brains clean, he can re-educate them into giant children! There's some demented logic going on here! 

   Rachel gets help from a scrappy girl with a bowl hair-cut played by John Travolta's sister as they plot their escape, an awful prog-funk band randomly plays in a nightclub! They must've needed a bad music quota because their appearance makes no sense to me!

What?? We have to do 30 more takes of the slow masturbation scene?

    Some how she gets tricked into slugging through a scummy vent full of "Temple of Doom" style creatures (crunchy bugs and centipedes), could Spielberg have stolen from Greg Goodell? Definitely not!! After that gruesome spectacle she briefly loses her mind and shoots all the jars full of bugs.
 
Mrs. Haynes slathered in bugs

   It all turns out OK in the end though as Rachel’s shrill country bumpkin mumblings play over the credits. The shitty music was written by Jerry Jeff Walker (who most likely left this off his resume).
According to an interview with Shock Cinema, Haynes said that the director used garbage cans full of real live bugs and put cotton balls on their tiny pinchers so she wouldn't get bitten. They had buckets full of the critters that they dumped on her and she said "NO COCKROACHES" because being a Floridian, she despised them. As far as the nudity goes Linda just chalks it up to "Hey it's not the end of the world and it was the 70's!" Gotta love that spunky attitude of hers!

OK, good there's the lyrics on my palm

   Lately on YouTube I’ve had good success with horrible looking dirty videotapes. Code Red apparently put this movie out at some point (good luck finding it)! That company is a total tease, anytime I search for something they own it's usually either out of print or not available, what a joke!
According to Linda's interview in Shock Cinema she mentioned recording the commentary moderated by Vincent Gallo where basically that loser did all the talking and didn't let her get a word in! Even she wondered if the DVD would ever come out!
 This film ended up on the Video Nasty list and this time I was more curious about Haynes then the incidental reason it was on there. Lately there have some real turds in that hypocritical toilet (like Frozen Scream to be reviewed later on)! I recently discovered that John Martin (the only original Deep Red writer who's missing in action) wrote a book called Seduction of the Gullible about the Video Nasty age, which is a great title because half of these titles don't deserve the scrutiny. Even though it's very clumsy, the illogical-ness, gratuitous nudity and TV movie style grindhouse quality works enough for me to give it a higher rating than most would.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED FOR WOMEN IN PRISON COMPLETISTS








↧

Emanuelle in America

August 6, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0
-Reviewed by Skunkape-
Directed by Joe D Amato aka Aristide Massaccesi (1976)

It's finally time for every one's favorite promiscuous reporter to make her way to the good ol' US of A. Emanuelle is in America but she's not planning a road trip to Wally World in the family truckster. She's spending all her time in New York City working, not just as a journalist either. She's also making a living as a fashion photographer. Laura Gemser is reprising her role in the Black Emanuelle series yet again and Joe D' Amato is directing, so lets see what wacky adventures he has in store for us this time around.

Topless women are actually normal in NYC
Emanuelle is sneaky and cheeky

   The movie starts out during one of Emanuelle's fashion shoots. She's taking naked photos of gals on motorcycles while Nico Fidenco's smash hit "Celebrate Myself" plays. The song is fantastic and really manages to set a certain tone for the whole film in a very surreal way. After the girls wrap and start putting their clothes back on (dammit) they have a brief conversation about weight loss. Then Janet (Stefania Nocilli, who never worked again), one of the models mentions her boyfriend Tony (Giulio Bianchi, also never worked again) who won't make love to her. She claims he's a real philosopher and all he wants to do is talk. This is a set up for Emanuelle's first little scrape that she gets into and it's right after work. While driving home a man hiding in her back seat pulls a gun on her, he claims that blowing her brains out would be what's best for the corrupt society we live in. He believes she is spreading filth by taking naked pictures of woman so her death would be a lesson in morality.

   When this mad man shows her a photo of Janet in order to prove his point, Emanuelle uses her detective skills and deducts that this loony is Janet's philosopher boyfriend Tony. Emanuelle uses her superpower SEX, she manages to calm Tony down and before you know it, she's blowing him! He becomes overwhelmed by theses strange feelings of pleasure and flees the car holding his balls which will probably be turning blue very soon. Emanuelle chuckles over this little incident, just another day at the office. Oh, we are updated later in the film that this encounter has turned Tony into a sex fiend and now he won't leave Janet alone! Way to go Emanuelle!

"OK Ladies, smile with your buttcheeks!"

"Let me see your Love Gun!"

   Next we meet Bill, he's a friend of Emanuelle, so you can pretty much assume that he's a friend with benefits. He's the only character in the Black Emanuelle series that provides any stability in Emanelle's life. They are both journalists and always seem to be there for each other in times of need. Deep down they both know that a relationship would never work.
   In this scene you have to pay close attention to the dialogue, there's a  piece fruit with a vagina painting that's hanging on the wall and it's stealing the show. Oh No! Did Bill just say the M-word? Yes he did, Emanuelle tells him that marriage is a crime against freedom. Luckily he didn't scare her away, she cancels an appointment and you know what happens next!

Who wouldn't eat that out?

Assignment #1 The Harem

   Emanuelle stops by Joe's Gymnasium to get her next scoop. Joe tips her off that a high class harem staffed with girls by their star signs is looking for a Virgo to fill an empty position. Joe forges her papers with a new birth date and gets her immediately in touch with the boss, Eric van Darren (Lars Bloch).
   Once on site she screws the bosses right hand man and then mingles with the other girls by the pool. She really seems to fit in!(not really a surprise) Joey D delivers the goods with his underwater camera work, giving the audience lots of wet hairy beaver shots. Next we are treated to some horse fondling or inter species erotica as some would say. A horse named Pedro gets his pecker played with from one of the sluts, while the other girls and the boss watch from outside the stable. This is one of many scenes that make Emanuelle in America one of the most notorious of the series. D'Amato would also put horse fondling in his epic knockoff Caligula 2 The Untold Story years later. Time for some lesbian action, cut to a love scene with Gemser and Lorraine "Cannibal Ferox" De Selle, she's the Gemini of the bunch. It's extra hot and steamy, mainly because it takes place in a sauna.

   Finally, after Emanuelle gets all the photos she needs from a hidden camera in her bracelet, she gambles with the boss man and his VIP guest  Duke Alfredo Elvize. (Gabriele Tinti, Gemser's real life hubby). Luck is on her side and she humiliates Van Darren by beating him with every roll of the dice. The next morning, before anything bad can happen to her for getting out of line, she uses the earnings to buy her way out and hides in the back seat of the Duke's car. After reaching a safe distance she reveals herself to him and they quickly become friends. He invites her to party in Venice where many aristocrats will be attending along with other wealthy guests. Time for Emanuelle to pack her bags!

"There is a lot of small black curly hair in that pool!"

The famous Mr. Head


Assignment #2 Party with the Duke and Duchess of Mount Elba

While visiting Duke Alfredo and Duchess Laura (Paola "Eaten Alive" Senatore) she really gets to know them quite intimately.Seriously, what did you expect? The party of wealthy elites turns into an orgy, some even have ownership of certain guests.They play a "find the golden peanut in the cake game" and the winner, who is this old creep, gets to lick a girl head to toe who was hiding in the cake. He happily slurps all the frosting from her creamy crevices and sadly we have to watch. Emanuelle sits this one out, but does manage to dig up some dirt when she discovers that the Duke deals fraudulent art. After confronted by the Duke, she decides his friendship is more important and the story is not worth reporting.

"I found this peanut in a turd, does that count?"

"I'll have my cake and eat it too!"


Assignment #3 The Stud Farm

So far a harem, a diplomatic orgy, and now she's going undercover to a stud farm. A Place where rich woman of the world go and pick out studly musclebound men so they can act out their fantasies. Probably where any one of "The Real Housewives" would go for a good time. She witnesses a Tarzan fantasy ("me Tarzan you Jane, now suck my dick"), that's harmless enough but then she peeps into a room and notices a couple having sex while watching what could be a real snuff film! Shortly after seeing this her cover is blown, she manages to hide her film, but they confiscate her possessions and clothes. While being interrogated she seduces the manager and with her laying on the floor in heat, Emanuelle sneaks out the side door, gets a ride and then gives the lucky guy who helped her, a ride of his own. That was a close one!

Stud Puppies for sale

Never seen anything this good on pay per view


Assignment #4 Finding the Snuff

After seeing those unforgettable images from that film while visiting the stud farm, Emanuelle must discover if the footage was real or fake. She recognizes a missing girl in a newspaper that she saw being tortured in the footage. Her next informant Ronny, a washed up ex cop who lives on a boat down by the docks (where else) gives her the name of a senator in DC who is linked to the snuff films.
   Emanuelle hooks up with the senator by using the old "oops, sorry I bumped into to you and spilled food on your clothes" routine. It doesn't take long before they hit the sack together. She baits him by asking if he'd "like to do something more stimulating, like something far out or forbidden" so he puts on some black and white porn. Emanuelle acts let down and calls the video a phony, so the senator breaks out the snuff. She gives him the ride of his life and tells him that she was so turned on by the realism and fear of what she saw. The kinky congressman drops some LSD powder into a drink and drugs Emanuelle and then flies her to the filming location. There she sees hot oil poured into a dick shaped funnel placed in a women's mouth, rape, a metal hook inserted into a vagina and nipples being sliced off!
  The next morning she thinks it was all a nightmare and heads back to NYC. It wasn't a dream! The negatives from her hidden camera have been developed and all the shocking things she witnessed have been photographed from that movie set of doom. However, the story is archived because the paper she works for doesn't have the balls to cover something so horrific or does Washington really control the press and are they part of this whole conspiracy?!!!


I'm more disturbed then Anthony Wiener and Eliot Spitzer combined!

Sicker then Salo?

After we put in oil then she gets the dipstick.

 A very frustrated Emanuelle threatens to quit and takes a holiday with her boy toy Bill somewhere out in the jungles of Africa. She gets captured by a tribe and now is forced to marry the leader, who at a glace looks like Carl Winslow from Family Matters. This whole scene is played for laughs and a film crew shows up out of nowhere interrupting the wedding. Probably just Jacopetti and Prosperi shooting their next Mondo feature.

Bill and Emanuelle should have just gone to Disney World.

"Yes, Family Matters!"


Emanuelle in America is the perfect exploitation film on every level. Giannetto De Rossi's fake snuff effects still have quite the impact and it's not everyday you see a horse's penis being played with. Gemser looks great as always, also De Selle and Senatore look pretty damn good naked, not covered in mud being chased by cannibals. Joe D Amato's Emanuelle in America is my favorite of any Emanuelle film, black, white or even yellow! So give this journalist a Pulitzer prize already! 

10/10 On the CULT-O-METER 









↧
↧

A "Demons" Series Overview

August 9, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0

THE “DEMONS” SERIES: A 'THEATER OF GUTS' SPECIAL INVESTIGATIVE REPORT

by Goat Scrote

     Only three of the "Demons" films (Italian title “Dèmoni”) are 'real' entries in this (in)famous Italian horror series. They can be identified by their contagious slime-oozing demons and their awesome soundtracks, each one showcasing a completely different style of music. All three of the originals are worthwhile monster movies with plenty of gloopy special effects. They don't work very hard at making sense but they're lots of fun to watch.
     The films were reasonably successful internationally.  Many unrelated Italian horror movies were released or re-released in foreign home-video markets (particularly Japan and the United States) with new titles that placed them within the “Demons” series. At least nine movies have been marketed under the “Demons” flagship at one time or another, including three different flicks vying for the position of 'part 3', in the hopes of milking a few more lira, yen, dollars, and pounds out of an unsuspecting public. None of the pseudo-sequels actually features anything resembling the slime-demons from the original films. With only a couple of exceptions, the phony sequels are erupting volcanos of suck which are not fit for human consumption. This has sown confusion and a not inconsiderable amount of despair throughout the world.
     My sanity is already too far eroded by three decades of watching this kind of shit. That's why, for an especially grueling marathon project like this, we had to test the films on animals. We strapped mutated, schlock-resistant bunny rabbits into the seats in one of the environmentally-sealed theaters at TOG Laboratories, wedged open their little eyelids, and pumped the adorable fuzzy-wuzzies full of our own patented blend of psychotropic drugs. Then we wired their brains to our malevolent super-computer, Proteus. (He starred opposite Julie Christie in the 1977 film "Demon Seed", which is not the first “Dèmoni” film no matter what Proteus claims.) Proteus collated the results of the bunnies suffering to produce the following list. For you. We did it all for you. To prove that our love for you isn't 'weird' like you keep saying.
     Please observe a moment of silence and perhaps offer a prayer (to Satan, of course) on behalf of all the innocent bunnies killed or driven hopelessly mad by these films. Let us also remember all those brave humanoid explorers before us who made the mistake of delving into the murky depths of the “Dèmoni” series and never returned. We've already discussed my eroded sanity, right?
     Okay, on with the list. The movies are placed based on the position they hold in the series and/or wherever I felt like putting them. That means the pseudo-sequels are presented roughly in the order that they were re-released as a “Demons” movie, not in order of original release dates. Multiple authors are presented in alphabetical order. In these summaries I have tried to avoid any major spoilers.  If you want plot details, each of the movies has been (or soon will be) given the full review treatment here on Theater of Guts. A little internet searching will turn up the majority of them streaming for free under one of their many titles.
     There is an official authorized comic book sequel to the films which has been published, titled "Demons 3". I haven't read it but I am intrigued. Apparently it is a prequel telling a story involving Nostradamus and the demons.

The Originals

“Dèmoni” / ”Demons” (1985)

    Bunny Survival Rate: 80%
    Directed by Lamberto Bava.
     Produced by Dario Argento.
     Screenplay by Dario Argento, Lamberto Bava, Franco Ferrini, and Dardano Sacchetti.
     Music: METAL.  \m/


     Murderous demons possess and terrorize the audience in a movie theater. The victims are lured in by a creepy metal-masked host played by Michele Soavi, who would later direct the third film. Anyone who gets scratched becomes possessed and physically transforms into a monster. Plenty of slime and chaos. Pus spurts all over the place. One of the demons bursts open to release an even more awful demon. The hero fights back with a samurai sword while riding a dirt-bike through the theater. A helicopter crashes through the roof at exactly the right moment for no goddamned reason whatsoever. And yes, there is an eye impalement. You bet your ass this is highly recommended.



“Dèmoni 2… L’Incubo Ritorna” / ”Demons 2” (1986)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 70%
     Directed by Lamberto Bava.
     Produced by Dario Argento.
     Screenplay by Dario Argento, Lamberto Bava, Franco Ferrini, and Dardano Sacchetti.
     Music: 80's post-punk / New Wave

     Also known as ”Demons 2: The Nightmare Returns”, which is the literal translation of the Italian title. There's a bit of wordplay that doesn't translate into English. The Italian word for nightmare (“incubo”) comes from the name of a type of demon which was thought to create night-terrors.
     A demon comes out of a television to slaughter and infect the residents of an apartment complex. Most of the effects are solid and well-conceived but the demon-dog and a few other bits are entertainingly bad, more goofy than gross. It doesn't have the same off-the-wall, anything-goes energy as the first movie but there are plenty of demons and buckets of green ooze. The film ends with a disappointing anticlimax that was lethal to a number of the test rabbits. (I wish they had gone with the super-gory ending rumored to have been in the original script, with a demon-possessed fetus that would have ripped its way out of its mother.) Recommended, although not quite as highly as the first and third movies.



“La Chiesa” / ”The Church” (1989)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 85%
     Directed by Michele Soavi.
     Produced by Dario Argento.
     Screenplay by Dario Argento, Franco Ferrini, and Michele Soavi.
     Music: Modern classical / Prog rock / “New Age”

     Michele Soavi takes on directorial duties for the third movie. The demons ooze their way into our world again, inside a cathedral built to contain the site of an ancient outbreak. Slimy bloody mayhem ensues. A cool goat-headed boss demon, Rube-Goldberg-style deathtraps, and demon sex bring additional flair to the proceedings. The giant beast rising through the floor of the cathedral, made out of the writhing bodies of the possessed clinging to one another, is prime nightmare fuel. Highly recommended – my personal favorite of the originals.
     Some of the bunnies exploded during the demon-on-human sex scenes. I don't think that should count, but Proteus says that my thumbs-up reaction to soft-core monster porno is abnormal. He claims my perspective has been warped by years of mining video stores and the internet for the weirdest things I can find. Personally I think Proteus just feels threatened because demons are his biggest competitors in the field of unnatural human impregnation.



The Pseudo-Sequels


DEMONS 3-B

“Dèmoni 3” / ”Black Demons” (1991)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 30%
     Directed by Umberto Lenzi.
     Produced by Giuseppe Gargiulo.
     Screenplay by Olga Pehar.

     Director Umberto Lenzi is best known to gore fans for the iconic “Cannibal Ferox” (1981). “Dèmoni 3” bears several distinctions among the 'fake' sequels. For one thing, it was released with a “Dèmoni” sequel title from the beginning despite being a zombie movie. They were openly cashing in on the “Demons” series right from the start. Even though a third movie (“The Church”) already existed, there wasn't a movie actually titled “Demons 3”, so that left the market open. This one doesn't have any writing, directing, or production staff in common with the original three. I can respect the deliciously exploitative shamelessness of it all, but unfortunately it's not a very watchable movie.
     Vengeful voodoo-style zombies kill a few tourists after one of them plays a tape recording of a Macumba religious ritual in an old slave-plantation graveyard. They linger on the gore from time to time, but a couple of gruesome meathook eyeball-gouges can't save this one. Unless you really must see every Italian zombie movie ever made, you should flee in the other direction if you see this movie coming. Whatever you do, don't look back because it might be gaining on you.


DEMONS 3-C

"La casa dell'orco" / “Demons III: The Ogre” (1988)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 20%
     Directed by Lamberto Bava
     Produced by Massimo Manasse, Marco Grillo Spina.
     Screenplay by Lamberto Bava, Dardano Sacchetti.


     A silly made-for-TV movie by the director of the first two “Demons” films. Also known as “House of the Ogre” (the literal translation of the Italian title) or “The Ogre: Demons 3”. It was also released as "Ghost House II". "Ghosthouse", the first one, was directed by exploitation-master Umberto Lenzi and that movie was also called "La Casa 3". "Evil Dead 2" was marketed in Italy as "La Casa 2".  In other words, "The Ogre" has also been marketed as a fake sequel ("Ghost House 2") to a series which sprang from a fake sequel to the "Evil Dead" series ("La Casa 3"), the latter fake sequel (aka "Ghosthouse") having been made by a guy who also made a fake sequel ("Dèmoni 3") to a series created by the guy who made the former fake sequel (aka "Demons III: The Ogre").
     You follow that? Yeah, me neither.
     That is why we require the assistance of a supercomputer.
     The movie tells the story of a magical ogre with a sexual fetish for orchids, and the family vacation which he ruins. It's got a few nice visuals but it's even dumber than it sounds, has hardly any blood, and very little nudity or sexuality despite the racy premise. The characters are unlikeable and the monster is dull. The most interesting thing about it is the layer upon layer of deceptive marketing used to sell it. Most of the bunnies died of sheer boredom, and the survivors were driven mad with outrage by the lame ending. Avoid.


DEMONS 4

“La Setta” / “The Sect” (1991)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 60%
     Directed by Michele Soavi.
     Produced by Dario Argento, Mario Cecchi Gori, Vittorio Cecchi Gori, Andrea Tinnirello.
     Screenplay by Dario Argento, Giovanni Romoli, Michele Soavi.

     Also known as “The Devil's Daughter” and “Demons IV: The Sect”. This is the only pseudo-sequel also connected to Dario Argento. I like this movie. Not quite as entertaining as any of the original three “Demons” films but firmly in second place among the faux-sequels. It's pretty to look at, and maintains an oppressive dreamlike atmosphere.
     A young school-teacher's life swirls down the drain when she moves into a house over a watery Hellmouth and she is targeted to be the mother of the Evil One's baby. A convoluted story involves a worldwide network of cultists, a prehistoric species of Satanic brain-eating insect, an innocent-looking possessed rabbit, and slimy blue worms crawling through the plumbing. A woman gets her face ripped off with hooks during a black magic ritual. A deadly handkerchief/death-shroud kills a couple of victims, which sounds dumb on paper but is actually quite creepy and reminded me of a similar element in “Drag Me To Hell” (2009). Recommended, although I think the bunny test may have been biased because of the prominent role of the devil-rabbit, who racks up a couple of human kills along the way.


DEMONS 5

“La maschera del demonio” / “The Mask of the Demon” (1991)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 50%
     Directed by Lamberto Bava.
     Produced by Lamberto Bava, Renato Camarda, Federico Llano, Andrea Piazzesi.
     Screenplay by Massimo De Rita, Giorgio Stegani.

     Also released as “Demons 5: The Devil's Veil”. Director Lamberto Bava tells a tale inspired by his father Mario Bava's “Black Sunday” (1960) and Nikolai Gogol's short story “The Viy” (1835). It draws a great deal of imagery from both sources but goes off in its own direction. This is another movie that Bava made working in Italian TV, but it is superior in every way to “Demons III: The Ogre”.
     A dead witch imprisoned by an iron mask seeks resurrection through spiritual possession of a group of skiers in the Alps. She turns into a series of nasty, foul-looking creatures while trying to devirginate the hero... monster porn raises its ugly head once more. Very little blood but there are some nice visuals and the final half has some entertaining monster effects. There's even a bit of slime here and there. Slightly recommended.


DEMONS 6

“Il gatto nero” / “The Black Cat” (1989)

     Bunny Survival Rate: 25%
     Directed by Luigi Cozzi.
     Produced by Lucio Lucidi.
     Screenplay by Luigi Cozzi.


     Also known as “Demons 6: De Profundis”, originally just called “De Profundis”, meaning “From The Depths”. Reportedly, Daria Nicolodi was also involved with the writing. This was Cozzi's version of the conclusion to Argento's “Three Mothers” series ("Suspiria", "Inferno"), making it yet another instance of an unofficial entry into two different Italian film series. It was also re-titled for its initial release to make it seem like it had a link to Edgar Allen Poe. (It doesn't.) Cozzi's “Starcrash” (1978) is one of my favorite bad movies, but I dislike this one quite a bit.
     Levana, an undead genetic-mutant psychic witch tries to return to life through a movie production which features her as a villain. The witch torments the star of the production and stalks her infant child. The murky annoying story careens to a dreadful, disappointing ending. Cozzi tries to copy elements of Argento's style from "Suspiria", but mostly it doesn't work. Really quite terrible. Avoid.


DEMONS '95

“Dellamorte Dellamore” / “Cemetery Man” (1994)

     Directed by Michele Soavi
     Produced by Conchita Airoldi, Heinz Bibo, Tilde Corsi, Dino Di Donisio, Michèle Ray-Gavras, Giovanni Romoli, Michele Soavi.
     Screenplay by Giovanni Romoli.

     It's smart, macabre, gory, surreal, unpredictable, and it has a wicked sense of humor. This is the best movie on this list, bar none, and a standout among Italian horror movies in general. Has anyone ever seriously referred to it as “Demons '95”? Apparently so. The original Italian title contains rhyming wordplay, literally translating to 'Of death, of love' or 'Of death and love'. It's based on a novel by Tiziano Sclavi, author of the “Dylan Dog” comics.
     The corpses in Buffalora's town cemetery always rise a few days after burial. A gravedigger named Dellamorte and his assistant must kill their returning clients a second time, because it's easier than filling out the paperwork to report the mysterious problem to the town bureaucracy. Then things get weird.
     Highly recommended. The bunnies all died, but they spontaneously returned a few days later. Proteus and I disagreed about how to score this so I unplugged him and won the argument.
     Bunny Survival Rate:100% undead goodness!





↧

Kris Gilpin's Unearthed Works Dept: Fangoria Weekend of Horrors Part 2.

August 10, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0
Here we go again with Part 2 from the files of Kris Gilpin's Unearthed Works! Remember it's the early to mid 80s and The Bates Motel series doesn't exist yet! R.I.P. Tony Perkins (1932-92). 



At that point GOREZONE co-publisher Kerry O'Quinn (formerly of FANGO) interrupted to present publicist Holton with a birthday cake (the frosting was a cut and bleeding skull). All of this, of course, just cut into the precious minutes the crowd of paying fans had with George Romero and company. (Holton says he's 48 though he could pass for 10 to 20 years younger) Holton did, however, press on and continued the questions from the crowd.

ROMERO: [something about relating to his zombies] "I guess I'd settle for being Bub."

HI FIVE Good buddy!


HOOPER: [on the budget for the first CHAINSAW] "The overall budget was 155,000; we started with 60 and the budget was projected at 90 [before deferments]. We had a real tragedy of sorts happen when we cut the negative on the picture; the original was in 16mm and after A&B rolling [early negative cutting] they had it all ass-backwards; on every cut you could see a line run up the screen. And this was after the film was [sound] mixed. They had to remix it and take out two frames from every cut in the movie and pull up all the sound FX [to match the picture], and that ran up the budget. We [basic cast and crew] all got screwed on the profits from the picture. There's no way to tell how much its made over the years." (Bryanston Productions, which was a mafia ran organization headed by "Butchie" Peraino, he basically kept all the profits and ripped off the cast and crew of TCM, ed). 

HANG UP GILPIN, I'd recognize that heavy panting anywhere!

   After the panel was asked to step down for Anthony Perkins' talk (he took Chris Lee's spot in the con, since he couldn't show), I spotted a familiar face sitting in the front row. I ran up to her just in time to accost actress Caroline [Chainsaw 2] Williams and get her to autograph my notepad. She was smiling and just as pretty as she was in that film. I then followed the crowd out to the small table where Romero was signing autographs; he's still signing them "Stay scared!"
   By the time I got back inside, Tony Perkins was smiling warmly, walking all over the stage and speaking at a very quick pace, fielding questions from the packed crowd.

I picked the right week to start sniffin' glue

   ANTHONY PERKINS: [On the awful TV movie, BATES MOTEL]; "I said, "I'm gonna sit down and watch every minute of it and not make any phone calls. This might be my only chance to see it. They don't rent that thing out, do they? [Someone answers, "No."] That's good! I thought it was just terrible, a desecration of Hitchcock and the Bates Motel [crowd applauds]. 
   
   Bud Cort called me and asked me, "What'll I do?!" I sympathized with him; I'd read the script previously. I said, "This is big exposure for you; really be good in it." 
I didn't think the story was good; I couldn't follow it.

   [On Hitch]: "He loved to play pranks on chicks; in the sandwich scene from PSYCHO,Janet Leigh was asking Hitchcock, seriously, about the making of the sandwich---should she put butter or mayonnaise on it, should she put the ham on before the cheese? Hitchcock who, like Ken Russell, knew how to make a decision quickly, had her do it a number of different ways; behind his back he summoned the crowd to stand around and gawk at Janet.
That's the end of the story--I'll have to work on that story.

Mmmm.. buttery mayonaisey ham

   [On William Richert's offbeat WINTER KILLS, "I have never seen that picture; another picture I have never seen is PLAY IT AS IT LAYS with Tuesday Weld, because I don't want to [think], What is it they see in this performance? I don't want to be disappointed. I was only on the set of WINTER KILLS for a couple of days but I had long speeches to make. Bill Richert's one of those multi-enthusiastic guys: "Ooh yeah, look at that great salt shaker!""He gets off on movie-making in general". (By his garb and lingo, you can tell Perkins is a pretty hip guy, and the crowd loved him.)
   ["You think you have a rep. as a genre actor?"]: "I guess so, but I don't think about that; people used to call me Norman Bates.

Makin' speeches in Winter Kills

   When I dropped my resistance to that, people started calling me Tony. People associate me with my career; it doesn't bother me anymore although it really used to.
   ["Can you show us some Norman Bates?"]: "I cant do that, but it's amazing how quickly things come back to you. When I was doing PSYCHO 2, I was sitting in [director] Richard Franklin's office and he was auditioning some girls for the part of…what was her character's name? Oh, come on! ["Mary! someone yells] Mary? Yah! So I had to summon up Norman from one second to next; I said, "Norman, show up!" There is a point to this story, believe it or not. There was a moment in that rehearsal where I stumbled on the word "cuh-utlery" [cutlery] when I was reading with Meg Tilly.Richard said, "When we get to that scene in the filming, I want you to do the very same thing." And I said, "What am I, a performing dog?" But that was Norman coming down from where ever he-peacefully I hope-lives.

SURPRISE BITCHES!


   [On SOMEONE BEHIND THE DOOR (1969) with Charles Bronson]: "He was doll. It was a more psychological picture and we liked the director [Nicolas Gessner] very much. Charles and I got along very well; he was sensational. I'd talk to him about HOUSE OF WAX and he was happy I remembered it.

   ["You played a different kind of psycho in WUSA," I asked, "Was it fun to make?"]; Yeah, I walked on and did a couple of days' work on that. I enjoyed it because I knew the lines so well and didn't have to worry about what I didn't know.


   [A young boy told him, "At the end of PSYCHO 3 they didn't read you your rights, so you have the beginning of a story for PART 4!"]: "I like that! [crowd applauds; I understand they are prepping PSYCHO IV right now].

   ["Which movie did you enjoy making the most?"]: "I guess the first really big one I made, FRIENDLY PERSUASION, because I was able to sit back and watch Gary Cooper and I didn't have to carry the picture myself; they don't make them like that anymore: the message was good and William Wyler was a genius. They had the greatest lunches; the lunch table stretched the length of this room and guys with white hats carved your food; it was far out. I like the writing in that and the fact that I didn't know anything about movie acting so I didn't have to be technical.

Perkins begrudgingly in a Kafka-esque situation 

   [On Orson Welles version of Kafka'sTHE TRIAL]: "I didn't think it was very good, to tell you the truth; I thought he got that one all wrong. Welles thought the lead character should be guilty and culpable of all the [unstated] crimes he's accused of, and Kafka's whole idea was that he was innocent. Welles had to do it the tough way; talk about disagreeing with the director; I thought his ideas for the movie were crazy and I couldn't emotionally be in accordance with what he was asking me to do but, never the less, I did it. My character was too cocky.


HAR HAR, and you thought he was in the shower scene!

   [On the infamous show scene from you-know-what]: "I'll bet there's a whole bunch of people who know that I wasn't even there for the shower scene; I was in New York doing a musical-comedy and the entire shower scene's shot with a double playing Norman. In fact, Hitchcock didn't even want to have me do that, because he thought the silhouette of my broad shoulders would give it away, so the outline of the mother's very unlike my own; it's one of the very few cheats in the film.

   ["You feel bad about not being nominated for an Oscar for PSYCHO?]: "I guess I did, but the role of a psycho murderer is not typically a nominated one. [Someone said, "How about Fredric March in DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE?] Yes, but he was essentially a good guy who sacrificed himself at the end.
I get invited to swanky coke parties and you don't Perkins!

  ["FATAL ATTRACTION?"] FATAL…uh, sure; so that's one; O.K. But after this I could hardly be expected to be too uptight about it, because I shot my wad on this one: I was in a cafe in Rome listening to my nominations for Best Supporting Actor [the year he was up for FRIENDLY PERSUASION] and they said, "And the winner is, Anthony…….Quinn."
And you know, in that split second your whole life…it was like, What else can happen to me now? That was tough.

   [On the rumor that Universal's housing a color version of PSYCHO]: "Boy I don't think so because it's not really founded in logic [especially economical]; to have a separate color negative…the one we had was clearly a B&W negative.

YOU HEAR THAT VAN SANT, FUCKING ILLOGICAL!

   [On THE LAST OF SHEILA, written by Perkins and Stephen Sondheim (!)]: "I thought it was a good idea and a very fine script--I really did--but, as a movie, I thought it had some slow spots in it; we had something a bit zippier in mind. We visualized something almost comedic. I thought [director] Herbert Ross did a beautiful job of style with it.

   [On new stuff]: "Was anyone there for the screening of MR. X-MAS DINNER (it was retitled Lucky Stiff ed.) the other night? [Which Perkins directed] [Mumbles] I'd like a word with you later! We're now back in the editing room with it; you make the things that work more predominant and try to figure out why the things that didn't work, didn't work. It's strictly a comedy, not about cannibalism, which is one thing we're gonna have to fight about this movie, because it seems to be about cannibalism.

Ivan & The Terribles, the punk band featured in Motel Hell


  That's the subject I don't think people want to see. I'm not talking about MOTEL HELL--always one of the greats! I'll see that every time. [crowd claps] I ran those films, like EATING RAOUL; I didn't like the subject. Our film doesn't have cannibalism scenes or grossness; that might disappoint someone who's sitting here and would prefer that it did. The next thing I'm about to do starting a week from today is to make yet another version of DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE--I mean, wild [crowd applauds] I don't know if you saw the huge pictures of me in the trades, promoting the shoot, but even my Jekyll looked a little crazy! [crowd laughs] I think it's more fair if even Jekyll has his problems.

Perkins plays J&H in Edge of Sanity


   ["You turn down any scripts you were sorry for later, etc?"]: "You can't think about that. Anybody can have a short career but to still be up here, after 35 years later…I'm still here…[ crowd claps ] You have to be able to bounce back and there's so much that can get you. Forget failure; how 'bout success? Success can shipwreck you worse. To have any regrets is stupid. You've just gotta…cool out on a daily basis.

Lyle is THE SHADOW OF DEATH?


   [On THE DESTROYER]: "Did I make a film called THE DESTROYER? Oh, is that what they're calling it now? Oh, yeah-- I have a new horror film! It used to be SHADOW OF DEATH. The story is that they're making a girl's prison movie in an abandoned prison--it's not a bad idea--and there's a guy killing everyone one by one. You take your chances with a film like that. I was impressed by the literacy of the script; it has some humor in it, and I didn't do it! I'm totally innocent. When DESTROYER comes for me, I'm like everyone else: "No, No!" It was a good role. I haven't seen the whole thing yet; we made that one in Denver.


   [Which PSYCHO do you like the best?"] "The first one's got to be the best. It was the originality of the plot; you can tell the story around a campfire and it'll work. That's marvelous, and it was missing from the second and third PSYCHOs. With the sequels, we were trying to keep up to date with the characters; we weren't trying to outdo the original, which could never be improved upon.

NORMAN, it's not nice to talk shit about the sequels!

   Perkins had been waved at from off-stage for some time now; he'd kept saying, "Just two more questions!" for about the last 25 minutes, not wanting to leave his fans. As to where DR. JEKYLL was to be filmed, he said "For some reason, in Budapest, so if you're in Hungary next month, look me up! I'm sure I'll have some free time! Thank you very much for having me."

   Anthony Perkins does not sign autographs; perhaps this was one reason he spoke so long and quickly. When he was gone, at 6:30, there was the "World's Most Disgusting Slide Show", featuring shots of bloody FX from films made over the last few years.

   On the following day (Sunday April 10th), the films set to be shown included FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLFMAN, LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS ('60), TV'S THE NIGHTSTALKER, TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, and PIRANHA. Since there was no one I was dying to see that day, and since I didn't wish to spring for another $18 admission, I didn't attend the second half of the horror con, although the scheduled events included: a makeup demonstration from Richard (PRINCE OF DARKNESS) Miranda and Catiana McCoy (SPFX make-up instructor at UCLA); film previews from Shaprio Entertainment, which included A HAZING FROM HELL (which looks to pour on the skin and blood) and MOONTRAP (w/ Walter Koenig); another horror-item auction, a costume contest, a presentation on FRIGHT NIGHT 2, including appearances by director Tommy Lee (HALLOWEEN 3)Wallace and some makeup FX men/supervisors; and talks by super-cuties Linnea Quigley, John Carl(FRIDAY VII) Buechler, Clive Barker, Mick (CRITTERS 2) Garris, Tony Perkins, Robert (Freddy) England--who also refuses to give autographs--and the event's surprise guest Roddy McDowall.Judith O'Dea, Barbara from NOTLD, was slated to appear at one time, but as far as I know, was not at the convention. Now, if I only hit one day of the con, why was this so incredibly long?

   Simple: Jeff pays by the word (Kris is referring to Jeff Smith head honcho of the famed zine WET PAINT, where this was originally printed in. Theater of guts pays in pocket lint and good intentions)!
↧
Search

Fiend

August 13, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0



FIEND (Deadly Neighbor) Directed by Don Dohler, Starring Don Leifert  (1980).

The opening score by Paul Woznicki (the other WOZ) effectively sets the morbid tone as a red spectre (that looks kinda like a stop motion lobster at first) possesses the corpse of a pasty faced fellow resting in his grave. The creature looks like Bruce McGill if he dunked his head in a vat of chemical sludge! 
   The red cartoon lighting effects are hokey and yet inspired. Baltimore's own Don Dohler (1946-2006) is quickly becoming my new favorite director! 
   
I ate a traffic light for you, can you please Stop already?


   Out in suburbia Eric Longfellow (Don Leifert), the lumbering "Fiend" is strangling women over and over again while his hands glow red. After he kills, his appearance changes and he gets his memory and features back.  
He comes home, feeds his cat, then has a conniption fit and stabs a picture of a mystery woman. Longfellow, who's a music teacher, plays a violin (that sounds like a keyboard) and pisses off his neighbors. 

Stover residents, home of the wuss

   Last I saw George Stover he was having blood sex orgies and killing prostitutes. Since Blood Massacre was my entry into the crazy world of Donny Dohler I had a different perspective on Stover's character. Usually that actor is timid and wimpy, here he plays a music teacher named Dennis Fry. Leifert who plays Longfellow was also in Blood Massacre as the videostore clerk. When Longfellow's features start to regenerate, he looks like he dyed his hair and beard with shoe polish. After he starts to get a few more scabs, he goes out and stalks more victims, his all black outfit reminds me of Frankenstein. For some reason he drinks cheap beer out of a goblet (he's kind of a snob)! He pets an evil cat like a James Bond villain and prefers to live in a cold unfinished basement with a cryptic altar.


Deposit 10 cents to connect with horny ladies? Hell Yeah!


   Gary (Richard Nelson) the next door neighbor who's a likable Pabst swilling average guy with news anchor hair, starts to suspect something is going on. He picks up a book on demonology and unravels the mystery that Longfellow is a Fiend. What's the difference between a Fiend and a Zombie, lots of red lighting and satanism. Zombies don't regenerate or get their memories ever, once they've eaten someone.


Is my mustache on crooked?

    This movie has tons of sweaty close-ups of everyone, guys with droopy staches, oily faced girls--here's where I see a Lucio Fulci influence (or coincidence). Gary stupidly keeps his cute wife Marsha in the dark about the creepy neighbor, who tricks her into coming over to give him a painkiller. Scotty (played by the director's son) confides in Gary about a victim he saw murdered in the forest. These films just get better and better in my opinion, Nightbeast was amazing too! I can't recommend these films enough! Dohler just filmed what was around, using his kids, his neighborhood and slapped whatever money and special effects he had lying around and turned it into trash gold, it's very inspirational!

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! 


I'm gonna strangle the shit outta you, Dean Wormer!





  


↧

Because of the Cats

August 18, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0


BECAUSE OF THE CATS ( Brutalization, THE RAPE) Directed By Fons Rademakers, Starring  (1973)

Skunkape and I rented some random big box video and a trailer for this particular film came on, in a drunken stupor, we both jumped up and said what the fuck is that, I must watch it!
Maybe it was the stupid title that distracted our attention, we're more Laura Gemser and less Sylvia Krystal fans. From the trailer I couldn't tell what kind of film I was in store for and I sort of forgot about it for a long time.

   Well, thanks to someone on Youtube, I'm able to finally watch this Mod sex / Clockwork Orange clone. Everything about it is naughty "After Dark eurotrash" and it was filmed in The Netherlands. 
   An ear slapping rock number joyfully blares on the soundtrack, it goes "Everybodies feeling, everybody's dealin', cuz tonight's gonna be the night"! The title track which sounds a lot like The Sweet, doesn't really set the mood at all, because it's clunky and way too excited about what depravity is about to unfold. The song is even on a NEDERGLAM compilation, which is a musical subgenre that's totally alien to me. I'd prefer to listen to a 60's dutch beat compilation with The Outsiders than peppy glam bubblegum. 
   Apparently tonight is the night for rape and vicious assault, perpetuated by a gang of creeps who resemble The Mentors (or The Rip Offs) if they dressed for a fancy prime rib dinner.

Oh, Why did I call The White Buns Busters?!!


   Bob the slob's very sexy wife is gangbanged by all the blokes, it's handled in an erotic way, unlike the uncompromising ghastly way the rape is shown with Alex and his Droogs-- nothing can top that stomach turning display.  
   We see the street thugs later in jeans and t-shirts target practicing on cans of Stella Artois (fucking snobs)! 


Lager for Twats Only!


   The story settles into a subplot about a British vice cop named Van der Valk played by Bryan Marshal (BMX Bandits, The Punisher), who we get the unfortunate treat of seeing his wedding tackle, as he cavorts with a blonde prostitute. 


YAWN! I'm so bored

   There's a fascinating scene in an "Ice Cream Disco" with kids playing pinball, it turns out to be the gang's hideout, they have a pet raven that says "Squawk, Look out it's a cop"! This is where the detective puts all the pieces together on who the thug rapists are. Most of them turn out to be blue blood twerps (the hoity toity beer can target scene should've been the red flag, that these masked dudes are rich and love to smash things). None of these Dutch dudes have any presence and the set at times, kind of looks like 60's Batman. Even when it gets slightly tedious, the production design makes it bearable. 


They don't call us "Rape-Rock" for Nuthin'

   The cop starts illegally questioning various kids about "The Cats" and the rape of a 40 yr old woman, it's sort of odd that he would risk his job in order to take down an entire gang because of this assault, but that's the premise here. I've never read the novel but it seems that in swinging London (or The Netherlands) adults were threatened by this new breed of mod hooligans. They slightly had reason to worry because eventually Mods would become either Skinheads or leave the scene all together, forced out by nationalist politics.  
   The jazzy incidental music in CATS sounds like an intermission time snack bar jingle, it's abnormally square for a 70's film. The Ice cream disco manager is a lurid Nedercreep who dresses all in beige, once he gets wise that gang members have begun to squeal, bad shit starts to go down, like a poor mutilated cat who gets disemboweled.



insert Austin Powers joke here


   It's difficult for me to side with the policeman, because in the "Charles Bronson fantasy scenario" the punks are there to rape and kill without remorse and the old codger exterminates them, but he's usually involved on a personal level, psychotic and has a grippe against these kids. The cop in this film is jealous of the youth and should just let it go, he stirs up too much trouble for one single rape. We hardly even see what the victimized couple from the beginning are up to, who he goes completely out of his way to protect, making it his "generation gap vendetta" against The Cats, which is kind of stupid! 

   Silvia Krystal finally shows up as one of the girls who swims naked and drowns one of the gang members, who had just received scuba gear for his birthday.    
 This film doesn't have the brain power of a Clockwork Orange, so they hurl whatever political ideology the gang has into a ridiculous kung-fu training montage. They even sacrifice another cat! 
 The momentum is a total drag, but there's enough eye candy and strangeness to keep it mildly entertaining. 

I'd give it 2 STARS ON THE CULT-O-METER, nothing special. 

WATCH HERE


OK turn to the left, here are your driver's licenses


INAGADAADD-DA-VID-A BABBAAAYYYY


   
↧
↧

Dr. Vampire

August 20, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0

Dr. Vampire (Jiang shi sheng) Directed By Jamie Luk, Starring Bowie Lam (1990).

 I stumbled upon this movie while searching for weird hard to find trash on Amazon Instant, this is what unfortunately has been replaced by the gratification of a video store raid. It's just not the same, but I need this to try and sharpen my hunting and gathering skills, instead of sifting through endless junk at an actual store because they are a dying breed. If only we could turn the hands of fate backwards because technology makes everything expendable. Ok that was a little grim--I definitely miss the search for underground sleaze, but this is the next best thing--so I'll take it!
   Prior to making this, Jamie Luk made one epic motherfucker of a movie with Robotrix, nothing can top that, so put it out of your mind otherwise you will automatically be disappointed.


I suck on lawyers cause blue blood tastes like Jolly Ranchers


Dr. Chiang Ta-Tsung (Bowie Lam) a foreigner from HK is on vacation in England, he stumbles into some kind of kinky vampire castle filled with white people. He goes down into the basement to find what he thinks is a victimized girl when in fact, he's just interrupted a monster in the middle of puncturing her next meal's throat with sharp protruding fangs.

   After he orders a Coke (which the busty bartender drugs) he falls victim to the charms of Alice, the bloodsucker.
   They hook up and she bites the doctors crotch, little does he know she's infected him with the virus (how he didn't feel teeth marks on his dick is beyond me)!

Z-Cavariccis, pleather and despair 

   Her master, played by the unhinged Peter Kjaer, is a white yuppie with a ponytail, after he tastes some of the doctor's ginseng flavored blood, he wants to track him down because it's that delicious.
Golden Harvest regular Shing Fui-On (most famous for his role as The Blue Jeans Monster) makes an appearance as a mob boss patient at the hospital.

YAAHHHH I need these blue jeans to be surgically cut off pronto!
   The Doctor and his two surgeons buddies act like "Hong Kong Stooges" and get into some wacky hijinks. I like Luk's style of mixing Westerners who are subtitled but speak English and how the Chinese people relate to them, sometimes they make fun of them behind their back.
   This shitheel doctor it turns out is married and his doormat of a wife finds bloodstains in his underwear and lipstick in his collar, the second being very cliche, the first part only occurring if you happen to keep an Aylmer (from Brain Damage) in your drawers!

   For the man that delighted millions of horny fans with the biggest boobies ever seen on an Asian rib cage there's a serious lack of nudity! Even though the cast is entertaining and talented enough to peak your interest, I missed the sleaziness.

I make this shiitt look good

   Dr Chiang starts to dress like Dracula and wears "Gangnam style" shades, I apologize for bringing that reference back from obscurity for a split second!
  To quench his thirst for blood, he drinks V8's and while he performs surgery, he starts to salivate over an open wound. These are some inspired moments that made Dr. Vampire a lot of fun.

Higher than Richard Marx on a cracked out panic attack!

This shouldn't be classified as a typical Jiangshi vampire sequel because there's no hopping dudes who get destroyed by sticky rice or prayer scrolls. Although once the poor dope figures out he's a vampire, they poke fun at the mythos by dressing him in the Quing Dynasty garb and he even hops a little.
   There are some hilarious sight gags that look very gay from the perspective of a nurse who keeps barging in. When he shows the vampire crotch bite to his pals from the nurses view, it looks like they are giving him a double blowjob!

two heads are better than one

   Alice tries to help him destroy the head vampire whose also her slave master. Later on he fires laser beams out of his eyesockets, this is the first time I've ever seen a creature of the night do that trick.
   The Doctor's two idiot friends do help out a lot which is good, but the say offensive things like "I sleep around a lot, you may get AIDS if you bite me" to Alice.
   One hospital vampire gets a boner and stalks different nurses, his dick actually can bend steel--this is so out of left field that it's almost surreal! The second half sort of melds into a Chinese True Blood style love relationship. I didn't really care for the romantic elements (big surprise I know), but it doesn't hinder your enjoyment that much. 
   There are many opportunities for gratuitous nudity, but none is ever shown, so don't expect it.
It's still enjoyable though in a Cat 1 way, even if the pacing is a little too slow and Dr. Chiang's zany friends take up too much time.
   At the last minute, a Van Helsing/ Lam Ching-Ying figure played by Ni Kuang, shows up to battle the undead toward the end of the film.
   He helps out in the clumsiest way possible as Dr. Vampire and his new companion fight the Western vamps from the beginning.

Vampires don't have laser eyebeams!


   There's a lot of made up vampire folklore like laser vision and giant syringes which can affect them, so make sure you toss out your Universal Monster knowledge and try to relax and enjoy the ride.

SLIGHTLY RECOMMENDED COULD'VE USED MORE BOOBS AND LESS STOOGES!



↧

Joel M. Reed's Night of the Zombies

August 21, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0

NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES (1981) DIRECTED BY JOEL M. REED

Review By John Szpunar

To quote the mighty Chas. Balun, “Oh no!  What’s THIS one doing here?”
A sound and solid question to be sure, but just like rock and roll, this dipshit oddity (courtesy of director Joel M. Reed) is here to stay.  Ever wonder how XXX star Jamie Gillis would perform in a non-porn movie that was financed by Broadway producer Lorin Price, lensed by Groupies director Ron Dorfman, and co-edited by Spike Lee protégée Samuel Pollard?  Ever fantasize about the onscreen chemistry between Mr. Gillis and Alphonso De Noble (the fat guy from Alice, Sweet Alice)?  Ever wonder how a zombie movie would fare with absolutely no blood and gore?  Wonder no more!  That’s right, kids, we’re talking about Night of the Zombies, the film that all but threatens to be the notorious director’s swan song.  
Also known as Gama 693, Battalion of the Living Dead, and a zillion other titles, Night of the Zombies (the title that this reviewer is sticking with) is yet anotherpoverty-row project that Reed decided to tackle in exchange for a few hot meals.  Shot in Munich, the Central Alps, and in Reed’s usual New York stomping grounds, Night of the Zombies lays waste to logic at every turn.  The common consensus can be summed up in a single sentence:  If you’ve seen it once, you’ve seen it once too many.  With that fact acknowledged and accepted, allow me to take a few steps back, pop the tape into the VCR, and give the film a second look.

Are you really sure you wanna do that?

Jamie Gillis stars as Nick Monroe, a down and out CIA agent who is sent to the Bavarian Alps when a United States Graves Registration officer is killed under mysterious circumstances.  The head of the CIA (Ron Dorfman) believes that his death may be linked to several missing canisters of Gamma 693, an experimental gas that the United States planned to use against Germany in World War II.  A very young looking biochemist (and WWII vet), Dr. Frank Proud (Ryan Hilliard) is also interested in the canisters.  He and his niece (Samantha Grey) soon join Nick in his investigation.


They'll be no boning in the ski lodge hot tub this time around!

Things take a bizarre twist as soon as the trio hit the Alps.  It seems that a letter was found near the Graves Registration officer’s dead body.  A letter written by an American GI believed missing in action in 1945.  A letter dated 1979.
Soon, Nick finds himself running with a group of neo-Nazis (headed by Joel Reed himself), unearthing ghastly military secrets, and surviving several zombie attacks from a group of undead GIs who have been hiding in the German countryside for thirty-five years.


Let's morse code in some Der Wienerschnitzel take out

Nick learns that 693 was a chemical developed to keep wounded soldiers alive until they could be taken to a medical unit.  Several mortally wounded WWII soldiers hijacked the supply to suit their own needs and are reenacting battles in the desolate Bavarian Alps.  Dr. Proud was once one of them, before he was exiled from their camp.  He now desperately needs another dose of “the gas” before he begins to rot away. 
The film ends with an unintentionally funny looking Proud attacking his niece as she lies in bed.  Nick interrupts Proud’s meal just in time and saves the day.  But there is the slightest hint that Nick is now one of the walking dead himself.


It'll be a deadlock when I wear this sweater to my interview at Sears


Night of the Zombies is a far cry from the perverted excess of Blood Sucking Freaks, but the film still contains several signature sequences and off the wall performances that hold their own.  Reed’s cameo as a neo-Nazi leader is a prime example.  Joel, dressed in a powder blue sport coat, gives the film’s best performance.  His interpretation of the German language is beyond terrible, a strange mix of “neins” laced with a New York accent.  “It vas the Jews, the Jews!  With ze industrial might ve have today, ve could crush them!”  Alphonso De Noble’s performance as an undercover agent is almost as good.  Bloated beyond belief, he struggles with a German accent, but when attacked by Jamie Gillis, he reverts back to New York speak:  “Hey, buddy— buzz off!”  Ron Dorfman looks like he’s reading his lines off a teleprompter.  And Ryan Hilliard is more than over the top as Frank Proud:  “Please.  Just give me a bit of the gas!  THE GAS!  Oh no, it’s too late!”  The camera lingers on a German prostitute as she undresses for Jamie Gillis.  She might just as well be undressing for Joel.  And then, there is Joel’s death scene.  Stabbed in the back by a mysterious gloved hand, he spastically flops around the streets of Munich like a marlin out of water.  One of the most memorable scenes has Jamie Gillis examining the blood of a wounded zombie and concluding that it is very similar to vegetable oil.


TelePrompter is broken...FUCK!



Does Night of the Zombies work as a horror film?  Not really.  The elements are there, but unlike Blood Sucking Freaks, the envelope is barely addressed, yet alone pushed.  Does the film work as comedy?  Again, not so much.  Reed’s twisted sense of satire seems to have taken the back seat on this ride.  Does the film work as an espionage thriller?  That’s debatable, but that’s probably where Night of the Zombies fares the best.  Yet still…
There’s something so loopy, fucked up, and otherworldly about the film that everything almost seems to fall into place (and make perfect sense) after a second, third… hell, in my case, probably twentieth viewing.  And to be honest, Reed’s direction is solid, and Jamie Gillis is surprisingly believable as a CIA agent who is sent off to Germany to investigate World War II zombies in 1979.    
So, what is the casual viewer left with?



Well, you have Night of the Zombies (also known as Gama 693, Battalion of the Living Dead, and a zillion other titles), Joel Reed’s last film to date. An insane mess of priceless dialogue and plot holes, a totally mindless roller-coaster ride to nowhere. This is the film that Broadway producer Lorin Price took a gamble on. The mind wonders what kind of film Joel and Lorin would have cooked up if they had worked together again…
To read more about Joel M. Reed and his films, be sure to check out John Szpunar’s interviews with the man in Headpress 19 and 2.4.  An honest-to-goodness book on the subject (Blood Sucking Freak:  The Life and Films of the Incredible Joel M. Reed) is forthcoming from Headpress.


Crank here, cutting in for just a second, thanks so much John for doing a special guest review! John Szpunar has been such a valuable friend and the secret weapon for TOG in securing talented contributors who've worked for Deep Red magazine and knew Chas Balun. We're ecstatic to finally get a review from him and know that our readers are on the edge of their seats in anticipation for his next book. Read our interview with him here and support Headpress Magazine.

WATCH HERE


BUY THIS ISSUE

     

↧

Hellhole

August 23, 2014, 12:00 am
$
0
0

Hellhole Directed By Pierre De Moro, starring Mary Woronov (1985).

I've been wanting to see this sleazy exploitation flick ever since I saw the glorious review on revengeismydestiny.com which was sadly shutdown for copyright infringement. Mark Johnston ran an extremely popular bootleg company called Shocking Videos (which was brought down by the film Deep Inside Annie Sprinkle, here's the NY POST article on the subject) http://nypost.com/2010/06/02/dvd-bootleg-case-open-and-smut/. 

   I found a lot of information about rare films on that site in the early 2000s and it's kind of dumb that they are now gone for good! I am ecstatic however to report that Scream Factory has bought the rights and will be releasing a legit version of this lost "women in prison" oddity very soon. There are pros and cons to bootlegs though and for me, it was a positive when Anchor Bay released Class of 1984. That newest version packed with interviews and extras decimated all the inferior VHS copies and dupes cluttering up the market. Until the restored one is available though, buy a DVD copy from J4HI.com, the best place to find underground hard to find cult films.

  The film starts off with Judy Landers, who I fondly remember as the sexy blonde on the cover of Stewardess School. She's a complete tease and you'd be hard pressed to find Landers to ever take her clothes off in a movie (even in dopey sex comedies or in the case a WIP film where its totally appropriate). She's like David Cross on Arrested Development--a "never nude"! 


the only known almost topless photo of Judy


   It has a creepy Ray Sharkey who looks like a tiny Frank Zappa trying out for the Village People, he plays a psycho named Silk (hee hee, Oh man what a stupid name)! 
Silk strangles Susan's (Landers) mother to death, while he sings "London Bridges"! He's the size of a kitchen witch and that dumb-ass bimbo daughter, runs out of the house instead of helping her mom out! She falls and succumbs to amnesia (Oh! how convenient, since this leads to the set up in a metal institution)! 



Rob Halford and Freddy Mercury made me in a petri dish


   The awkward dialogue and unnatural manner these characters talk and behave seems intentionally over the top. Aaron Butler wrote this two years after he scripted Chained Heat, which in my mind is the ultimate WIP film. This non-prison, correctional facility is similar to the one in Human Experiments (only all the girls are as foxy as Linda Haynes, which is pretty rad)! Director De Moro made only three films to his credit, one of them being the bungling 70's smaltz-fest Savannah Smiles (which was apparently the inspiration for the dead porn star's namesake).

   Richard Cox (Cruising, Seizure) plays a friendly doctor and secret journalist, who tries to protect Susan from Silk. The lowlife's advantage is that she is so brainless that she will have no recollection of the murder from the beginning. While the doctors are nursing their blue balls, rush snorting dykes are lezzing out and being harassed by the rapey henchmen. 
  


I hope nobody tosses a lit match at our Aquanet saturated hair 


   Mary Woronov looks good as the lesbian Dr. Fletcher who's in charge of the mental hospital known as the "Hellhole" and if you don't get the Spinal Tap song stuck in your noggin there's something wrong with you. It has tons of naked girls (including an all out fuzz-fest shower fight with zero Nair in sight)! 



Do you think I enjoy having a catchers mitt for a face?


   One of Doctor's henchmen is Rob Z'Dar with his rubber mask face and extra large lantern jaw. "Ilsa She Wolf Of The SS" star Dyanne Thorne shows up in a weird fake Liz Renay costume as one of the crazies, possibly to retire from torturing women and let Woronov to do the job for her and inherit her sadistic role. 



PFFFFFFFTTTTTT Courtney Love?

   Most of the actors in this are pretty great, but Landers is horrid, she cannot act for shit, it doesn't really matter because she's pretty hot! The lunatic women from the Hellhole gang up on Dr. Fletcher and give her a taste of her own venom, which is a direct homage to Blood Sucking Freaks. The fight scenes between Richard Cox and Z'dar deserve better lighting--I mean you can't tell which actor is which--we don't even get a bulging jaw shadow of that famous profile! Hopefully when the Scream Factory edition comes out, the audience will be able to decipher who's who. 


UGH... bad hangover, I need some black coffee


    Hellhole's sleaze factor is pretty high, somewhere between Reform School Girls and Chained Heat, those looking for campy scuzz will have lots to chew on!  
   The adjacent brick and mortar sinister building is the "Hellhole" where they take already suffering mental defects to have their brains permanently eroded. All forms of unsavory medical science experiments are conducted by way of needles that induce seizures and chemical lobotomies,they all satisfy Dr. Fletcher's "sexual hangups". Marjoe Gortner (Starcrash, Food of the Gods) plays a moralistic back alley surgeon who reluctantly assists Dr. Fletcher, but is against it. Gortner's real life is more interesting as a former "child evangelist" and struggling B-movie actor than this tepid role.



Gawd, stop harping on my kinky fixation with murder!


   Judy "the never nude" stumbles around in a daze through most of the duration, did she secretly get a lobotomy in a deleted scene, I think so. There's a ridiculous scene where Susan is strapped to a gurney and wheeled around as mental retards paw at her bra and she hardly makes a sound! Later on the journalist (Cox), breaks her out of a rubber room and once she puts on a nurses outfit, no one notices that she's a prisoner-- it's completely ridiculous! But it all kind of makes sense in this ultra campy environment.


Now no one can find me in this brilliant disguise



   One of Russ Meyers left over ex-wives Edy Williams plays Silk's main lady Vera. The rodent like vermin hops into a mud bath with Vera and another girl and goes "Hey Let's make a sandwich, I'll be the baloney, hoo haa"! 


BEEF BEEF BEEF BEEF BALOGNEY


   In reality, Ray Sharkey, turned to heroin and contracted AIDS in 1987; was in denial about it then went ahead and infected several women. Nice guy! Oh well he's dead now, so rest in peace creepo! As far as his career goes, this is the only thing I've ever seen him in. He comes off like a Brooklyn street hustler in a classic rock dimestore outfit and is the standout performance in this film.

They don't call me SUPERFUZZ BIGMUFF for Nuthin'

   I wish the lighting guy wasn't half asleep though and most of the film is lit by a bare bulb or a constantly flickering fluorescent light. Possibly, once the legit DVD comes out, they will do some color correction and make it less dreary-- plus they have to get Mary Woronov to do the commentary! This film is half as good as Chained Heat, only to make up for lack of Linda Blair, they bombarded it with tons of star power and sleaze. It totally works in a clumsy sort of way and is froth at the mouth entertaining! (Update: as of recent news, Hellhole will not be released by Scream Factory, which is a shame. Hopefully some other brave company will put it out).

SLEAZIER THAN A FREE PIZZA BUFFET AT A PEEPSHOW BOOTH, BRING PLENTY OF ANTISEPTIC HAND WIPES!  


AVAILABLE FROM J4HI.COM



↧
Viewing all 580 articles
Browse latest View live
Search