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USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK : I Was A Teenage TV Terrorist

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I Was A Teenage TV Terrorist (1985)
Starring: Adam Nathan, Julie Hanlon
Directed by: Stanford Singer

Review by: "Machine Gun" Kristin 


There's that "10 o'clock news" blare of keyboard and cardboard buildings of Lloyd Kaufman's Troma film company introduction tacked onto every one of their movies. Here they strike again (check out my other Troma review of "Luther The Geek") with "I Was A Teenage TV Terrorist". I picked this to review solely based on the title, which didn't really work in my favor. This was the second film featured on the much loved USA network cable show, "Up All Night". We follow Paul (Adam Nathan) and Donna (Julie Hanlon), a cute teenage couple from Ohio. Upon Donna's pretentious Greek tragedy high school play ("boo! get off the stage!"), Paul steals a camera which he reveals on their car ride home. The kids are wearing these white masks which immediately reminded me of this crazy "As Seen On TV" gadget I remember seeing the commercial for when I was in middle school. 

I have a photo of it (I like taking TV pictures), but here I found the whole bizarre commercial: 


The beginning sequence of "I Was..." is edited in a "channel surfing" style, with TV flips and white noise. I kinda wished the whole film, (in which the pacing is really slow) had this style, although it probably would become old after awhile. Paul's angry workout spandex clad mother announces he's going to New York for the summer to work for his father's TV company called Romanceco.

Italian for stupid


Your entire retched generation has poisoned itself on their comics and bongo music and the whole lot of you are bound for hell on a road paved with self-indulgence 

I really like that Troma has created a couple of different films in their catalog based on media formats,  here with TV sets and video tapes, and in another better Troma film, "Hollywood Zap" with video games. Adam ends up working the basement of the TV station and starts selling their old tapes to a pawn shop in the city for extra money. Donna tries her hand at acting and flunks a frozen asparagus commercial where we watch her practice while writhing around on the floor in their apartment wearing a Ben And Jerry's t-shirt (whom they thank in the credits).

The Ben & Jerry's workout

Asparagus people!

Of course (who wouldn't?) they become bored and decide to blow up the TV station, making waves as a supposed "terrorist group". It sort of transforms into a teenage, lite version of "Network" where high ratings and star makings surpass any sort of common sense. This when the movie becomes more interesting, using the ridiculous news media to their advantage. I probably watched this about 3 times and fell asleep a couple of times though. Even so, I still liked the film and found it to be pretty charming, although some aspects of it just went right over my head and I missed some of its more clever lines. 

I watched this on Troma's fantastic YouTube channel where you can watch pretty much anything with their name attached to it. Its in all its fuzzy, 3rd generation grainy blurry glory, keeping with this VHS appearance. The only downside to this though is the indiscernible audio and lack of subtitles. 

There's maybe 3 different versions of the same poster for this film. I'm guessing the guy and girl portrayed in each poster is supposed to be appeal to a different social clique in each one? haha.



Also, you can find Adam Nathan in Michael Jackson's over the top 16 minute opus, "Bad". He's only in for a few seconds as a classmate in the first half of the video.


Watch "I Was A Teenage TV Terrorist"HERE
Buy it HERE

Check out my Etsy shop of mostly weird buttons/pins that I make! 


USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Bloodeaters

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Bloodeaters (Forest of Fear, Toxic Zombies, The Crying Fields) Directed By Charles McCrann (1980).

        --Reviewed by Rob Vertigo--

Before we get to the review, first let me tell you a little bit about my pal Rob, I tracked him down while searching for info on Chas Balun, Gore Gazette and Deep Red and found his excellent piece on Terminal Boredom about not only Chas but Mad Ron's Prevues From Hell as well! Obviously I knew I had to convince this dude that he must join up with the Guts team! Well, after more nagging and whining, plus this kitschy nostalgia week we've got going on totally convinced him and we finally got this review, which is nothing short of brilliant. We hope to see more from Rob, so stay tuned. Make sure you read his work on TB, Destroy all Movies (he wrote some reviews in that monstrous book) and check out his band MUSK!

It's a little tough to get into the swing of things here - waxing on about Up All Night - since it aired during my years of television void. The Vertigo family pulled the plug on our household cable sometime around 1988. That said, a lot of the aired films were recycled, rerun and rehashed from earlier late night spins and afternoon host shows such as Commander USA and Saturday Nightmares, and those were my jams. The hours I wasted watching such glorious trash as Horror of the Zombies, Terror on Wheels and The Brainiac are countless. I take that back. The Brainiac is total fucking Godhead. Anyways, one of the nut-bag messes I do recall seeing on a college break somewhere was Toxic Zombies. Or Bloodeaters. Or Forest Of Fear. Or Whateverthafuckyouwannacallit

Commander USA, actually showing this film!

 Shot on scraps of film left behind after Romero went to the mall, Toxic Zombies tries its best to pack a punch. Sadly its punch is about as hard hitting as a soggy bag of day old curly fries to the face. After scrolling through the jankiest digital titles seen by man (or at least since Wargames was released), it opens frame on a rural Pennsylvania dirt road. Hackneyed cheap synths pulse along as the lens follows a couple of mustachioed gun toting federal officers through the under-lit trees. Throughout this murky footage is inter-spliced segments of a bare breasted lass taking a bucket and sponge bath. Don't throttle your cock just yet, pervo. This here is the only nudity in the entire flick. Nudity - that I'm sure of - arrived very late in the game to secure an R rating. This topless soaped-up tart belongs to a group of free range Deadheads; only instead of them throwing wastoid tailgate parties, they're entrepreneurs out growing marijuana crops. The feds have been sent in to raid their camp. After clumsily shouting a warning they opt to shoot the freshly scrubbed gal, twice. Our federal "heroes" (?) are then ambushed, stabbed and garroted in a makeshift Manson family attack. Word gets back to the government about these missing agents and after some intensive acting chops via Martin's John Amplas, the higher-ups decide to call in an irritable, elderly drunkard to crop dust the woods. Inexplicably, this ol' coot has a stockpile of an experimental pesticide called Dromax in his barn. Perhaps this little factoid is explained, but between conversations with the barking government officials and his nagging housewife, it got lost in the chaos. 

I don't have a blood drinking problem, you do!


Tom - the local outpost ranger - gets irritable when warned not to go fishing this weekend and throws his brother and wife into his station wagon, heading deep within the national park out of spite. Cue stock footage of bi-planes, a faux Goblin score and a bunch of powder burned dope farmers puking up blood. These fatally dusted growers return to their campsite acting like rabid possums; fighting, snarling and grunting at each other over a bucket of sudsy bathwater. This Dromax chemical has evidently gotten to the drunken pilot as well, who returns home, walks barefoot on glass shards and then throttles his ball-busting wife.The shivering hippies try to cut and run, but the pesticide effects take their toll, causing frantic sweats and a blood lust. The only two unaffected - the leader of the grow operation and his girl Friday - scurry off into the woods, trying to flee the frothing longhairs. Why is it in every film that features a lengthy forest chase, people stop to drink from a muddy creek like they're baby deer? It's odd. It's filler. It gives the feral pack of pursuers time to catch up. Off-screen screams and buzzing flies indicate our survivors ain't surviving so well. With them gone - and forty plus minutes still left to the running time - shit is gonna' get all Don't Go Into The Woods from here on out...

Beans, Beans the musical fruit


A family of campers are introduced. Father is a bland know-it-all that reads like a REI catalog. Mother is of the puffy mom-jeans, worrisome type. Understandable, since her children - Jimmy, a retarded teen that spends his screen time relentlessly clutching a stuffed squirrel and Amy, his older (a lot older, possibly 40) sister with a fungus obsession - wandered off sometime ago. Daddy doesn't seem bothered by the missing children and would probably be happily willing to chalk their deaths up as a trial of life. Mommy, on the other hand, won't shut up about their disappearance. During their argument, the zombified goons sprout up like Wack-A-Moles in the nearby brush carrying hatchets. The best response pops can rattle from his brainpan is to offer up some of their "nice beans" from the campfire - hell, the whole can if they'd like. The retard boy is better off without this family unit. He could learn more from the stuffed squirrel. Unable to sway these dusted monsters with tin canned perishables, the brave father pushes his wife out of his way and high-tails it into the trees. Wifey does a pretty good job fending for herself, lobbing a steak knife into the eye of an assailant. As for her cowardly husband? He gets his hands lopped off with a machete by the same baddie he just escaped - only seconds before - who now magically appears before him. The distressed mother makes it to a dirt road, stumbling across hapless victim number four. She shrieks for a ride at a man struggling with truck problems. After chucking her into his cab, this new found do-gooder fails to realize that anyone hunched over in the roadway, dripping with blood and twitching like a speedfreak is best left alone. Dipshit, meet the sharp end of an ax. Hysterical mom-jeans tries to flee, but acts as though she's never operated a vehicle made after 1832 while fumbling like a cripple along the dashboard, unable to turn the ignition key. Oh well. The froth-monkey eats her dumb ass throat, and we trudge forth.

I just enjoy the salty copper taste of the jugular juice, man what's wrong with us?

Our old friend, park ranger Tom is back. He's busy fishing for breakfast (gack) and ignoring the government pleas to keep of the grass. Literally. His wife complains a lot. His brother goes off looking for a pesky raccoon and stumbles upon the newly orphaned retarded Beanie Baby lover and his deeply aged sister. It's safe to assume they've been drinking from a creek as well. Tom packs everyone into his family truckster while his brother soothes the children's nerves by telling awful Pollack jokes. A rousing chorus of "Old Mac Donald" starts up, but is cut short by a raid consisting of a machete wielding, cannibalistic Crosby,Stills and Nash. The ranger takes them on with his ultimate fighting skills and fares alright, but his brother looses touch due to repeated blows to the head. What's left of this makeshift family caravan get back underway, searching for civilization. Burning trash is seen as beacon of hope.

I'm weely weely sad!

 The government realizes that crop dusting an untested pesticide in the hands of an alcoholic hillbilly was a terrible, terrible idea. Some men are sent into the thick to check for aftershocks. John "Martin" Amplas is back! Thank God. On their drive into the boonies, it is decided that it's best to just kill everyone off. This will spare the world of survivor memoirs and tell-all autobiographies.

 Our woodland renegades come across the shack of another ol' coot (quite a few in them Penn State woods) and his finicky cat. They try to warn him of the impending dangers, but he'll take none of it. 
"Mr. - I've lived in these woods all my life...I ain't never seen no cannibals". 
So calm. So nonchalant. Fuck it. Feed his cat. Carry on.
He gruffly accepts them in for the night, unaware that the bloodeaters are hot on their heels.

this needs more sriracha, oh wait I mean BLOOD!

 The creatures ambush the farmhouse ala'Night Of The Living Dead. Outside Pittsburgh, that's just what ya' do. With torches and rifles in hand, you know what happens next - only this time in murky color and with shoddy framing. Here is as good of place as any to point out some of the other side effects of Dromax. One is it seems to cause its victims to gurgle up robotic frog sounds. Another is the absolute lack of fear towards fire. Unlike most zombies, these snatch burning torches with zeal. This is how they set flame to the cabin with the crotchety old man inside. Tom, retard, elder-lady daughter and the wife escape. That poor cat.

Jamie Gillis? Elliot Gould's nephew?


 The government men meet up with the delirious Scooby-group on the road. Their sighs of relief are met with handcuffs as this battered brigade are used as bait. Ranger Tom gets sent out at gun point to lure the bloodeaters in for the kill. Surprise Attack! Dear thespian John "Martin" Amplas gets smacked about the head by the slowest rock assault ever committed to celluloid. The wife gets eaten. Jimmy the retard boy and Amy scream for help. The last official left standing is pretty stoked, seeing as though the toxic goons are doing all the dirty work. Haggard sister Amy saves the day by axing him in the back before he can shoot our beloved ranger Tom. Many cheap nose putty and Karo blood effects are seen in close up. The synth score ineptly bleats on...fade out.

Well GOLLLAAYY You made it back Martin


 Hours - possibly minutes - have past. Back at the national park outpost, more government folks try to woo Tom back into his rangerly duties. Sorry about your girlfriend, hows about a new truck? Overall he handles it pretty well being as though everyone he knows was eaten on a woodpile, mere moments ago. He thanks them for such wonderful offerings, but says no-can-do. He's gonna' finish packing up his belongings into a single 14"x 14" shipping container and then go about his way. Smooth times, more breakfast fish and a visit to those eternally scarred orphans are promised. A hillbilly gas attendant goes for a shock ending, attempted and failed.  Anti-climactic? You bet. Worthy of watching? Not great, but you've seen much worse. You own much worse. 

UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Dr. Terror's Nukem High Retrospective!

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Class of Nukem High 1,2 and Return (1986,91,2014) Directed by Lloyd Kaufman/ Richard Haines, Donald G. Jackson and Kaufman again.
Crank here with a little intro, Doc Terror was nice enough to pitch in this article that really shows the influence or mind tendrils that infected late night cable viewers in the mid 80's, before the internet decimated it all and here with a site like this we get to rehash all the memories all over again (conveniently). I hope you've enjoyed this week of trash and make sure you read his blog http://liberaldead.com/ and http://www.docterror.com/. Thanks again and take it away Dr. T!

A confluence of influences have brought me to the strange place where I feel compelled to discuss Class of Nuke ‘Em High as it was show on USA Up All Night. About a year ago Shawn Savage of The Liberal Dead asked me if I wanted to take part in a retrospective series featuring films shown by our favorite horror hosts of yesteryear. I went Commander USA. He went Up All Night and in the end we didn’t do a goddamn thing with the idea because we simply got too busy (read that lazy).

WAAAAHHHH/ OOOOOOOOOOOHH


Enter a week ago when I stood in the same room as Gilbert Gottfried at Chiller Theater in New Jersey. I looked over at his line, and thought to myself, “I wish that were Rhonda. I’d be on that line. I’d have her sign my boobs”. I enjoy Gilbert, but the thought of hearing his voice in person actually inverted my Rhonda-derived boner. I laughed quietly to myself, realized everyone was staring at me and then preceded to watch William Katt discuss Naked Obsession (reviewed here) to comedic and uncomfortable intent. Combine all that with just having received Class of Nuke ‘Em High 2 in the mail to review, and some kind of strange synchronicity must be at work. I suppose living in New Jersey should force me to discuss Tromaville daily, but since it hasn’t and since I have only seen one nuclear plant in my tenor in Jerz, I can only assume that’s where the subhumanoids live.  

Don't drink the water!

You’d think that I would want to discuss Class of Nuke ‘Em High 2. I have to review it anyway, and Up All Night showed it the very same night they showed the original. Truth is that I feel a strong connection to the original and not to the sequel (or third installment). Furthermore, Up All Night showed them in reverse order in 1992 and it feels like an injustice was met upon a film that should be staple programming if you live in the garden state.  Rhonda and co. were at the American Film Market and interviewed select members of the Troma team from licensing exec to Tromette, everyone gets a shot at Shear. The witty banter and classic punny humor that ensues is perfect for Troma who plies themselves as the good natured underdog of the independent film world. They love boobs. They love merchandising and really selling a product that is unique; products that are Troma and not the thing of Hollywood leftovers or imitation. That should make it ironic that we are discussing a movie that pulls together some of the stereotypes used in Hollywood filmmaking in the 1980’s, many invented in the sex comedies that gave Lloyd Kaufman his start.

We're The Youth of Today!

Let’s enter Nuke ‘Em High, a typical 80’s high school filled with the usual cast of characters. From pre-Zach Morris preppy to mondo bizzaro mega nerd, from gang o’ hoodlums pierced in anti-MRI protest to sickly sweet teachers that crumble up No Doz and drip it in their eyeballs between periods. This is a school of stereotypes taken straight out of your favorite sex comedy. Kaufman having directed Squeeze Play early on in his career new how to take this formula and modify it to his gross, Alka Seltzer driven vomitory purposes. You can take any sex comedy from the 70’s or 80’s and you’ll find perfect similarities to early Troma horror features. That’s why they resonate so well with an audience. The anti-sex, oversexed and mutually assured gore that can only be seen in unregulated, independent cinema must get the in eyeballs to be believed. Simply by putting a familiar group in front of the lens, we don’t need characters developed. We can watch the movie for important reasons like tits and oversized cocks.

The basic gist is that a nuclear power plant next to Tromavilla High School has a reactor leak that goes uncontrolled for an extended period of time. The leak gets into the water supply and oozes up from under the high school causing strange mutations in both the changing, hormonal bodies of the students and their bodily fluids. The battle for Nuke ‘Em High is for student safety, freedom from toxic contamination and a creature feature battle that has hallmarks of Deadly Spawn. What you end up with is part monster movie, part enviro-horror, part body horror to rival any Cronenberg classic (at least in ideology and not in prowess of filmmaking), part teen coming of age story and all Troma. Clearly this pales in comparison to the one note, found footage, exorcismatic, possession fests of today, but back in the day we need storylines within our storylines to get through even a minute of techno-colored, Aquanet trash.



From film cans modified into Uranium containers, painted yellow and orange to an overuse of warning signs and pro-nuclear sentiment signage, the point of the movie is to make you think just long enough to get you not thinking about just how silly the premise is. By the time you’ve watched a suicide attempt in front of the student body, you’re too busy watching green foam emit from all points of entry and exit on a student’s body, the site of which is pure prankster but very effective (unless you’ve watched Street Trash). Let’s take all the students that we’ve come to fit into nice, familiar boxes and then do crazy shit with them like put them in a bikini frat party wearing an overabundance of Nike apparel, drinking sun tan lotion. Let’s get them to fuck after getting an “atomic high” on pot laced with toxic waste. You’ll never guess what happens when our “hero” gets morning wood the next morning during a wet dream.  Hint: that atomic cock puts John Holmes to shame. 
It gets the ladies real hot!

Class of Nuke ‘Em High has some low budget effects that make the film feel perfectly cheeseball. You’re expected to laugh at Nuke ‘Em High and all Troma films. They aren’t meant to scare you. They are meant to be entertaining flicks filled with the naughty bits your mom and dad warned you about or told you to confess to when you made your first communion. You’re able to ignore a neck flap of latex jumping around on an actor’s neck as he writhes about because you are meant to laugh.  Yes, that’s facial hair growing out of the tip of that guy’s nose. Yes it looks ridiculous, but at least you remember it for being ridiculous. Don’t try this at home kids. Plot does not sell movies. Green ooze sells movies.  Nuke ‘Em High received a remake by Troma in 2013 called Return to Nuke ‘Em High. So aware of the disdain for remakes Troma was, that they made fun of themselves for updating the movie for a more modern audience who needed sex with their hip diet trend. Rather than set up Return for a sequel, they simply subdivided the movie into two parts, saving themselves from the shame of creating another shitty sequel as they did with the first picture. 



The music is fantastic and was recently released on vinyl via Ship To Shore Phonography Co. It’s a colorful release that features original artwork based on the film. The main theme of the movie is sure to stick out as classic “horror song with the horror movie’s title” fare, a particular weakness of mine.
For this discussion I reviewed the Arrow Video Blu-ray. 

The version you would have seen in 1992 on Up All Night would have been cut to ribbons as would have been necessary. I remember when this aired though not much sticks out from my original viewing of these movies save for a few Toxic Crusaders toys in the Troma suite at the American Film Market and the post-coital wakeup wood sequence, but in revisiting the movie and Up All Night segments I am reminded of the educational importance of a displaying movie with a horror host. You need context. You need to understand the industry or players behind the scenes to appreciate a picture. Before there were DVD extras, we had charismatic hosts with boobs to guide us through the libraries of shit and shinola. And yeah, maybe I cranked a few out to Rhonda while I was waiting for the movie to start again, but that’s better than cranking one out to infomercials for spray-grass at 2am. 

You can enjoy the original Up All Night featuring Class of Nuke ‘Em High 1 and 2 here: (LINK)
The aforementioned vinyl release of the soundtrack is here (though it is sold out): (RECORD LINK)



USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Nightmare Beach

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Nightmare Beach, Starring Nicolas De Toth, Directed by Umberto Lenzi (as Harry Kirkpatrick) (1988).

When I saw that Umberto Lenzi directed this film, which was shown in the mid 80's on cable TV, I was flabbergasted! Finally Italian Horror and Beach Party movies were united, possibly the perfect link between the DR catalog and the Gottfried/ Shear connection! Lenzi of course is second banana to Deodato on the Cannibal throne, (he never made a movie set on the beach, but he did make a total shit bomb slasher set in the wilderness called Body Count). We've extensively covered Lenzi's work before with Nightmare City, Eyeball, Doomed to Die (or Eaten Alive), Black Demons (or Demons 3) and the mother of all Jungle tragedy flicks, Cannibal Ferox (which we've yet to review oddly enough)! Both Skunkape and I saw it before Cannibal Holocaust, fell head over heels and became infatuated with Giovanni Lombardo Radice (aka John Morghen) and the Italian cannibal genre of the 70's and 80's. Morghen and Lenzi famously hated each other (listen to him trash Umberto in our interview on Youtube for more chuckles). 

John Saxon, who acted opposite John Morghen in the total classic Cannibal Apocalypse is even in Nightmare Beach! So strap on your motorcycle helmet and lets hit the fucking waves!!!

The first thing I noticed about Beach is how the sound drops off when they flick the switch of the electric chair (maybe they forgot to pay the sound guy)? There's an awful, putrid opening song by some joker named "Kirsten" that plays over the credit montage. Later on, there's dumptruck loads of glam rock (featuring one song written by Dio), also Claudio Simonetti (who ToG readers are very familiar with) did the incidental music which ended up on Evil Tracks along with his other Miami-Sploitation score for Primal Rage. Another exploitation character actor I'm fond of besides the always reliable Saxon, isMichael Parks who's appeared brilliantly in everything lately (he was just in TUSK). Parks was in almost all the recent Tarantino flicks, but one of my favorite roles was as the scumbag garment dealer in Death Wish 5.

Parks and Saxon, a buddy cop drama coming soon to the El-Rey network

His character in this one has a great line about Spring Break being the "annual migration of the idiot". This disgruntled morgue worker is pissed off because he's the mortician who has to sew up all the dead "Breakers".
SPRING BREAK PANCAKE BUTT!

Skunkape and I also grew up in South Florida and this flick has some primo 80's Spring Break footage that almost rivals Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise. All the kids wear acid washed denim (not as much as Flesheater of course, no movie on the planet can top that)!

Don't scuff my motorscooter bro!

A cute hitchhiker gets burnt up on the back of a motor-scooter--we're talking Kentucky Fried, as the driver pushes a button and BLAMMO, her face totally melts!


Set the bike fryer to extra crispy

The cops are tailing Satanic gangs who defile graves and J. Saxon stares down a greaseball gang called The Demons. The soundtrack is all Y&T, Sammi Hagar sounding clones, can this movie be anymore entertaining?

Good times just get better with the tepid flavor of Miller High life

The two main dudes are named Skip and Ronnie, they're famous football players out on vacation. Ron (Rawley Valverde) is a total party animal, but Skip (Nicolas De Toth) seems like a complete square, he refuses condoms, passes on beer and might be gay (it's too early to tell).

Brighten up that smile with new Colgate electrolysis

This one surfer dude robs a couple of babes after they freak out over a shark attack (which turns out to be a guy holding a plastic fin underwater). That scene reminded me of the Simpsons episode when Homer gets scared by Bart, yelling "Ahhhh Shark boy!" If you're looking for gratuitous 80's Ft. Lauderdale wet T-shirt contests, then look no further than this flick! There's tons of Florida-sploitations that we've covered, but this one might be just as good as Plankton (one of my favorites)! 

SCHWINNNGGG!

Ronnie prowls the streets looking to as he puts it "Bump short hairs", while his boring pal Skip, shakes his head at all the debauchery. The Demons end up beating on Ronnie, but the serial killer (who's unrelated to the gang) involuntarily finishes the job for them, detonating him to a cinder.


This movie makes it seem like Spring Breakers are constantly getting robbed, while they over indulge (which seems accurate). There's this one "GATORS" dud who constantly yells just that (later on he gets arrested for being too rowdy). Skip continues to hang out at more wet T-shirt contests, but this time looking for his buddy, I guess you just cant avoid the sin of the Sunshine State. Oh yeah I should probably mention the pig faced motel owner who drills a peep hole and spies on hookers and their johns, one client is the ginormous fat guy featured in Aladdin and Miami Cops, who I couldn't find a screen credit for, you'll know him when you see him.

It's Rick Ocasek's cousin Griff Ocasek!

The look of the biker maniac reminds me of the killer in Night School, which is a Warner Archives "Video Nasty" that I'm sorry to say should've stayed buried. This film however is a laugh riot and should be available on a Criterion style DVD with extras! Shout Factory, pick this one up now!

I don't know what you've heard, The Buxton's are not thieves!

Skip hooks up with a pretty bartender played by Sarah Buxton, who even invites him in for coffee, but he refuses (and he doesn't even bite his hand ala- Lenny and Squiggy over it, like he should--I mean this girl is super hot)!

Both Parks and Saxon's characters are totally corrupt and don't even care about the murders, they even leave Ronnie's corpse in a ditch and prevent Skip from solving the crime. It's hard to believe that Umberto Lenzi made this film and even wrote it, it's one of his most coherent films (with his others there's this suspension of logic that you use to make it through, here there's no need it actually makes sense)! I was shocked at how accurate the Florida stereotypes were and inside jokes, well done sir! 

The fire effects and choice of videogame music (most likely by Simonetti) while gruesome deaths happen, make it pretty hilarious. There's this weird Reverend character played by Lance LeGault (A-Team, Stripes), who lurks in the background--he seems a likely suspect. They show what kind of weirdo Saxon's police character is when the teens sneak into his house and find his S&M gear and murder evidence photos in his dresser drawer. 

Shitty Florida classic rock station Zeta 94.9 sponsors a terrible hair band, there's some prime FL eye candy for people who grew up in that swampy climate though and can relate to the ridiculousness. I like how one character goes to consistently extreme lengths to pull a prank (stabbing his fake hand at a bar, putting on zombie makeup and playing dead) until he finally ends up "real" dead!

The ending isn't that big of a surprise, but it did remind of how Italian Horror auteurs like Fulci have goofed on Jason Voorhees, saying he's a Fanatical religious villain trying to rid the world of sex drugs and rocknroll! I highly recommend this film, it's so much fun, the only flaw I could see was the question of Skip's sexuality, because him and Gail never actually get it on and every time an opportunity arrives, he kind of dodges the situation. Other than that, everything was perfect, loved every minute of this trash fest!

WATCH NOW



  

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: DR. ALIEN

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Dr. Alien (I Was A Teenage Sex Maniac) Starring Billy Jacoby, Directed by David DeCoteau (1989).

Judy Landers, the never nude, apparently gets naked in this USA UP ALL NIGHT and cutout bin favorite, well not exactly (stick around and we'll discuss this a little bit later). There's more celebs crammed into this floating space turd than a very special episode of Hollywood Squares!

SHEESH, It sure was a gas!

Billy Jacoby (or now Billy Jayne for some unknown reason) has been in almost every magical 80's film or TV show, just check out his resume on IMDB. Here, I'll name two that would have the most impact on anyone who grew up during that time period, Beastmaster and "The Bishop of Battle" segment of Nightmares, seriously that's all you need and he was also famously in Just One of the Guys!

OOps, my brain wiener came out and I pooped my pants

Jacoby plays Wesley, a total fucking dweeb. At the breakfast table as his family talks about his grades in College, there's a cereal box that spoofs this director's notorious dud Creep'o Zoids, actually I thought this was a clever joke! I'm not sure why I've waited this long to see this movie, I think the stupid cover box scared me off (and sadly I never got to see it on the USA channel). Wesley has a cool dude Stiles from Teenwolf type buddy who tries to convince him to get it on already and date some babes! Coincidentally, Stuart Fratkin as Marvin in this film, actually played Stiles in Teen Wolf Too-- talk about perfect casting!

Shasta, the only soda that makes werewolves choose you as their wingman

Judy Landers plays one sexy biology teacher named Mrs. Xenophobia, which could be taken two ways, had this been a Stand and Deliver type teacher in the ghetto situation, her name literally means "Fear of Immigrants" which would take on an entirely hilarious connotation, but thankfully she is an actual alien, so I guess she must be afraid of herself.

I'm filled with seething hatred for my own kind

She prattles on and on about ejaculation (I guess it's time these 40 year old teens learn about sex ed, am I right)? On the Mr. Skin site, they classify this as sexual (no actual nudity, but apparently she shows one single boob in Armed And Dangerous, if anyone cares).


Wait, does this count as nude, taking off my face?


Wes meets Drax (Raymond O' Connor), Mrs. Xeno's lab assist who looks kind of like Otho from Beetlejuice, only more pint sized and bug eyed. The geeky teen shows up after class because he has the hots for the teacher and wants extra credit. Landers pulls out a Herbert West style neon green syringe and stabs him in the butt. I've heard cases of teachers giving blowjobs to their underage students or getting impregnated by them in the news lately, but this is crossing the line! The shot actually causes Wes to sprout a dick out of the top of his head! 

If you're up there, where are my balls?

Soon after Mrs. X, fully dressed by the way, proceeds to hump her guinea pig student. If you've read my review for Hellhole, then you might remember how Judy Landers suffers from the same condition that befell Tobias Funke from Arrested Development. I like how when he becomes a cool guy, Wes says to his parents, "Sorry I gotta run, no time to eat", does that mean Bulimia is cool, not funny movie! 
Wait, I can't hear you, I forgot how to turn off that scrambler

The cute United Fruitcake Outlet girl from Repo Man played by Olivia Barash is Leaanne, Wes' love interest. He tries to impress her with his new open chested popped white collared shirt look. He gets into a drag race with a jock, both of them have the totally wrong vehicle to be involved in a car chase. The incidental music sounds like if Freddy Mercury went solo and tried to imitate Bobby McFerrin.

As Wes and Leanne go to make out spot, Mrs. Xeno and her assistant hide in the next car wearing hipster shades (the kind Mr. Shoop from Summer School convinced his students to order). The brain boner seems to make girls horny because Leaanne forces herself on him. You'd think the pineal gland in From Beyond would have the same effect, but that deformity only makes you want to suck brains out of eye sockets.

Where we're going we don't need roads or pants


When we do get to see actual nudity it's in the form of awful breast implants (Sorry Julie Grey, I hope you've gotten them fixed since). Linnea Quigley and Ginger Lynn also show their boobs too (but haven't we seen enough of them)? 

You mean you replaced Herbert West's secret formula with Anti-Freeze? Uh oh!

The brain penis finally reveals himself to its owner (why it waited half the movie is anyone's guess). This strangely enough was the least believable part for me, among an ocean of ludicrous scenarios, because whenever the head dick pops out he never noticed it before--I'm not buying it, but I guess it's too late and it doesn't matter anyway. 

Ello Gov', Wink Wink, Say No More!

The highest masturbatory fantasy that's been in almost every straight male's subconscious happens when Wes shows up in the girl's locker room and they all get topless and try to bone him. See all you gotta do is grow a brain penis and all your dreams will come true!
This dude doesn't care about the locker fuck fest though, all he wants to do is impress one girl, Leanne of course. How can he land an honest girl, when all he does is cheat?

His radical buddy comes up with the "genius" plan to have him start a cool rock band to impress her with a rag tag bunch of rockers (one is named Slash, but doesn't wear a top hat). The name of their band is The Sex Mutants (I guess because Alien Sex Fiend was taken). For some reasons the way Billy Jacoby's hair is feathered, it reminded me of the cheeseball look of T.S.O.L.'s lead singer Jack Grisham (which is a band I like by the way).

GIMME MORE COCAIIINNNNNNEEEEE!!!

One of my favorite lines in Dr. Alien when Leanne finds her stupid boyfriend surrounded by groupies is "What happened, Did you start taking asshole pills"? 

Mrs. Xenophobe finally reveals her true face (which is on the box cover, SPOILER ALERT, JEEZ)!
I actually enjoyed this movie, why it's not helmed as a fun 80's classic over the flavorless Earth Girls Are Easy is beyond me!

This flick is available on an overpriced VHS tape on Ebay, or you can join Charles Band's streaming site and see it over there. 

DOESN'T DESERVE THE WORSE THAN PLAN 9 CRITICAL SLAM, MORE FUN THAN YOU'D THINK!         

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Neon Maniacs

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Neon Maniacs Directed By Joseph Mangine, Starring Clyde Hayes (1986).
--Reviewed By Goat Scrote--

    I hold the USA Up All Night show partially responsible for turning me into the freak that I am today, by exposing me to so many wonderfully low-grade horror films side by side with witty underground gems and brain-dead sex comedies. Neon Maniacs falls into the first category, schlocky horror, but it's way too silly to be frightening.

Archer's hobby is stamp collecting.
Juice is the cutest maniac and he knows it.














   The most horrifying aspect for me is the lite jazz-rock in the soundtrack. The movie demonstrates a level of plotlessness usually found only in Italian horror, but with none of the shock value or stylistic sophistication. In other words, it’s a really dumb movie. I chose Neon Maniacs not because it is one of the best movies they showed, but simply because I have such a vivid memory of watching it as a child on USA Up All Night and laughing my butt off at what I thought had to be the worst movie ever made. (How wrong I was.)

Neon Maniac Samurai has a scorching STD
     It is San Francisco in the middle of the 1980s and there are hideous monsters living under the Golden Gate bridge. Imagine if the Village People were homicidal mutants and you’ve pretty much got the essence of Neon Maniacs. There are something like a dozen of them, each with their own personal theme and unique murder method. They also have their own trading cards for some reason, which go from “near mint” to “blood-soaked” when an early-rising fisherman stumbles across the lair of the maniacs in the opening scene.

live action version of Garbage Pail Kid's New Wave Dave.

     A roster of maniacs is given in the end credits, which is helpful because there are just so goddamned many of them. It’s like trying to keep track of those fucking dwarves in “The Hobbit”. There’s Ape, Archer, Axe, Decapitator, Doc, Hangman, Juice, Mohawk, Punk Biker, Samurai, Slasher, Soldier, and a creature they named Scavenger. Personally I prefer the name Tiny Reptile Cyclops, it’s much more descriptive.

Punk Biker is the moody, misunderstood rebel of the group.
 
    The maniacs come out at night and kill everyone they find. Having sex in Golden Gate Park is hazardous at the best of times, but with these things on the loose, herpes drops several notches on the worry scale. A large group of teens is slaughtered. A lone survivor tells her story to the police. The whole “skeptical police” subplot takes up a lot of screen time but ends up having pretty much no effect on the story.

I know monster spunk when I see it. Call the Special Victims Unit.

     A plucky young tomboy with TV-reporter ambitions investigates the incident. She discovers the lair of the maniacs and their weakness: They are water-soluble. A well-timed rainstorm helps her escape, but her footage of the monsters is ruined and she has no proof.

Ape is just looking for the right lady to settle down with.

     Several of the maniacs take cover in the subway, where they hunt the survivor of the first attack and her boyfriend. They also track the plucky tomboy back to her home, but she knows their weakness and uses the power of tap water to destroy her attacker. The three survivors get together and plot a way to stop the killings.

We're white and outta sight.

     The final half hour of the movie takes place at a battle of the bands at the local high school. They linger on this awesomely 80s musical competition, featuring preppy soft-rockers versus poofy-haired, spandex-clad hard-rockers. After a really unnecessarily long time, all that noise draws in the maniacs.

He's a neon maniac, maniac on the floor...

     The audience has been provided with squirt guns. This would be a great plan except that everyone panics and runs instead of spraying the bad guys. There’s a good old-fashioned soccer-mob trample which probably kills more people than the monsters themselves.


A very motley crew.

     The tomboy saves the day when she grabs a firehose and starts decapitating maniacs with it. There’s another big chase through the halls of the school, and then the survivor girl and her boyfriend start making out in the chem lab and the evil mutants just leave. Okey dokey, whatever.


Mohawk gave up a career as an investment banker to fulfill his dream of becoming a neon maniac.
     The police and fire department finally intervene and search the evil lair, but the surviving maniacs are nowhere to be found. The head police detective stays behind alone and gets munched because the searchers were a bunch of incompetent twits, or maybe the maniacs are just really good at hiding.

But... I never got to see... Mount Rushmore... *gurgle*
     I am left with many unanswered questions. What’s the difference between a regular maniac and a neon maniac, anyway? Why does each one have a sex-dungeon cosplay theme? What motivates them to kill? Why would creatures like this even exist? Furthermore, why would they live a few feet away from the Pacific Ocean in a very rainy part of the world when they have the same weakness as the Wicked Witch of the West?

I'm melting! Dorothy, you bitch!

     The only explanation provided by the film comes in the form of one sentence intoned like an ancient prophecy before the credits: “When the world is ruled by violence, and the soul of mankind fades, the children’s paths shall be darkened by the shadows of the neon maniacs.” What the fuck is this, open mic poetry night at the coffee shop? It seems like there really should be more backstory than that. Maybe they were saving it for a sequel. Alas, the true origin of the Neon Maniacs will forever remain an enigma!

Stop hitting on my girlfriend, Toto.

Devilman/ Boah

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Devil Man /Boah (1987/1989) Directed by Umanosuke lida and Yokoyama Hiroyuki

There are a bunch of Anime titles in the DR catalog that I've sort of avoided, but lately i've been watching a lot of dopey shit from Japan like Johnny Sokko (look for my article in an upcoming issue of Tim Paxton's Monster!) and some Gatchaman and digging it like a madman, so the time is right for me to evaluate an Asian cartoon.


Bunnies and bikechains, not a good mix

Devilman starts off with a bunch of dick head gangsters who pummel Fudoh Akira, a softhearted kid for crying over the death of his adorable rabbits. They whip him with bike chains as he protects his pet (the one that didn't get killed) from harm. His sister Miki-Chan bails him out and they walk around the park. Ryou, Akira's sexist blonde friend pulls a knife on the girl then drives him around in his beat up car. He's not only hates women but he seems to be transgendered. In a flashback they show how Ryou's father was a mad scientist (or archeologist) who chopped off his dog's head and almost stabbed him to death in his sleep. They discover a giant devil mask and once it's on Fudoh's dome, he is transported to the demonic spirit world and it's super fucking trippy, we're talking naked butterflies that spew ectoplasm on dinosaurs and all types of ill shit (to coin a phrase from Don't Be A Menace To Society, While Drinking your Juice in the Hood).

Trip out on this, Boobs with teeth!

They reference Dante's Divine comedy and the myth of Satan trapped under ice, waiting to break out and re-emerge again. Ryou believes his father entered the world of the demons and learned their ways. Next octopus and spider demons show up and attach themselves to his car as snazzy jazz plays (the music is wildly inappropriate-- it sort of reminded me of Woody Allen's Sleeper). In order to fight demons Akira must turn into one, makes sense right? 

They both seem ecstatic about the harsh decision to leave their humanity to rot and then hit a disco to try and possess humans, above all a demon's motto is "abandon all reason, act only on instinct".

A fake Ratt band plays as both humans shred their inhibitions and give into ultra-violence by slicing faces open with a broken bottle (for some reason tons of girls are topless) and toward the end they all burst into giant monsters, ejecting spittle everywhere. One girl's breasts sprout fangs and do the air chomp! Akira transforms into DEMON MAN, which means he had wings on his head and a tail. Even Ryou is nervous that he's created a monster as the Devil creature saws through opposing monsters like wet tissue paper. In the catalog these came without sub titles, which I'd imagine would've been boring as fuck and it's unclear whether more than one episode or if the original cartoon from the 70's was included instead, Danzig is apparently a big fan of the original show (who cares).

Monsters love coke and Disco it's a fact!

This 87 version is a more hardcore violent remake of a 70s Manga, I watched the first original episode and it's very demented for children, but certainly not Deep Red fare. On the tape it comes with the Anime Boah, which I've included in keeping with the spirit of the original intent of the videotape.

Selsun Blue, gives you laser beam hair follicles 


BOAH, 1989 Directed by Yokoyama Hiroyuki
This one starts off like Akira crossbred with Plague Dogs (which sounds better than it is). An adorable girl with a creature perched on her shoulder has telekinetic powers and is stuck on an experimental train.I cant tell what kind of pet she has, it looks like a rabbit/squirrel. Boah is a giant dude with flowing hair in S&M gear similar to Lord Humungous from The Road Warrior. Next he's in plain clothes and gets stabbed by a Rambo style knife, but it doesn't effect him or interrupt his lunch. Things become Boah, which I gather is a genetic tag given to each mutant the evil scientist operates on. It's frightening power happens when it gets mutilated, they show a tiny dog savagely attacked by a lion, don't worry though it gets revenge. Everytime somebody says look out it's a BOAH, I chuckle because it sounds like "Bowel"!

S&M Lion-O


When an assassin stabs Ikiru, it slithers out of his body after he mutates and than the creature dissolves his flesh like melted butter. It turns out Boah is a parasitic worm that feeds off the host, giving it inhuman powers, but it's weakness is that it must be burned to a crisp.

Ikiru's friend is 10 years old and she is also a mutant that assists him in figuring out when the assailants are about to strike and she has an unhealthy fixation on him (their age difference is a major problem).
I'm just as confused as you are


Ikiru looks kind of like Nightcrawler with more purple festive hair and a giant red orb in the middle of his forehead. His little friend is abducted and used as bait by the creeps who injected him with the Boah in the first place. Everytime they think they've bested him, he becomes insanely more powerful. during the last 10 minutes a beefy Indian named Walken battles Boah and is beaten to a bloody husk. The cheesy celebration music sounds kind of like Turn The Beat Around by Vicki Sue Robinson.

Cybernetic Navajo Joe

Anime is a weird genre, it's either too soft, too porny or good and gory (which is obviously the best kind). There's endless amounts of it (just wade through Huluplus for an hour and nearly scratch the surface of what to watch). I saw this on Youtube and the super graphic stuff is not that easy to find, Boah falls somewhere in the middle of cutesy and explicit and it's pretty entertaining. No anime can ever match the impact of Akira in my mind though, that's still my all time favorite. Devilman is pretty great though, I highly recommend Gatchaman and Fist of the North Star as an anime novice. The Wandering Kid (or Urotsukidoji) otherwise known as the Citizen Kane of tentacle rape cartoons is also featured in the catalog (I'm not so sure if we'll get to that one, it's possible). Leave a message in the comment section if you think we should give it the GUTS treatment.
       
B'OWL

Jigoku (The Sinners Of Hell)

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Jigoku (The Sinners of Hell) Directed By Nobuo Nakagawa (1960).

Just to illustrate how ahead of the curve D.R. were on Art House films mingling with trash ( sometimes the barriers are interchangeable) you could at the time get a rare duped copy of this Japanese film about hell way before it became a Criterion edition. I've mentioned before three years ago in Criterion Smut that Michael J. Weldon (of Psychotronic Video) described it as beating H.G. Lewis to the gore punch in the early 60s. I owe as much to that magazine as Deep Red. The film does eventually get to the gruesome spectacles and frightening demons, but you have to have patience of steel, often in a high brow Japanese flick that's how it goes--just don't ask me to review a film by Ozu (there's not enough coffee on the planet to wake me up during those circumstances).

It starts off with smoke and flames, those typical visions of Judeo-Christian Hell and then tells the story of Tamura (Yôichi Numata) and his pushover friend Shiro (played by Shigeru Amachi) who gets in a hit and run accident. Tamura is lit in a ghoulish way and carries a rose (he reminds me of the imagine of the Devil in that Tales from the Darkside episode "I'll give you a million").

The victim of the car accident is Tiger, a drunk gangster who stepped off the wrong curb and died from a brain hemorrhage. Tamura threatens his guilt ridden pal with "if I go down you go with me". The lighting and style the actors are silhouetted makes it look like a stage play and half the movie was created on a soundstage. 

Shiro's girlfriend is killed in a car crash later on (J.G. Ballard must've enjoyed this film). Shiro seems smart, but he's a total dumbass because after they get wind that he accidentally killed Tiger, a Yakuza, every stripper and angry mom is seething with white knuckle rage to even the score-- get out of town now! He does heed my warning and leaves but during this time period the film kind of lags a bit ( I've fallen asleep a few times watching this at night).

Then like an omen, Tamura shows up again to make Shiro's life literally a Hellish nightmare.
Shiro fights his enemies out in the country on a super high bridge and kills them, but of course he feels guilty when he should be relived. 

It takes an hour but we finally reach hell The two main characters meet Enma the king of Hell, he looks a lot like Roy Wood from Wizzard! He passes judgement on all who arrive (why they wait this long to showcase the cool effects is beyond me but it's worth it). This concept is based on Buddhist Hell, where Enma (or Emma-o) judges in an icy and heated region of Hades which has 8 levels, also you can escape this domain once the prayers of the living are considered and enlightenment has been attained). This lord of hell was played by Kanjuro Arashi.

Let's sing a duet about the benefits of Cold Cream!

They talk about hearing a faint baby cry which reminded me of Hellraiser, just imagine if the Cenobites stopped in their tracks and were like "OK, you can leave now, go in peace", that's just silly right?

We bring you tidings of Great Joy!

In this version of Hell, there's a pus filled mote, where thirsty zombies are encouraged to drink. Then the punishment train rolls out as various henchmen saw and flay the new citizens of sin. One guy is totally skinned and his organs are exposed. There's all this family drama (talk about a Hellish nightmare!) Shiro looks for his child and gets caught in a field of broken glass and sees a giant wheel of fire. Tamura is now a proud demon and continues to mock his old friend as he goes through trials and fields of severed heads, finally reaching the wheel his baby is stuck on. Shiro, on a spinning wheel trying to reach his child reminds me of one of those cruel Japanese game shows!
This film is seriously well crafted and brilliant but for some reason I like Nakagawa's Yotsuya Kaiden more. They are both visually amazing and ahead of their time, Yotsuya came out the year before and both are available from Criterion and you can watch them on Huluplus, I think they would make a good double feature.

Oh no! I fell just like Bugs Bunny next to that ribcage

And then baked into the center of some righteous Mac-A-Roons!


NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD RECKONING PART 1 BY GRAHAM RAE

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 photo grahamromero.jpg

This piece originally appeared on Film Threat's site, but they've since gone belly up like a bloated rat in a bucket of vile cheese whiz. Mr. Rae has graciously offered this article about his visit to the set of Land of the Dead, a film I enjoyed when I first caught it in an empty theater in Berkeley by myself in the middle of the day. This article will be split up in two parts and I'll give it the Guts wacky picture treatment per usual, I hope you enjoy it and thanks again Graham! 


THE DEAD WALK!

Dateline: Friday, 12/03/2004. Dead of night of the living dead in BCE Place. I am riding an escalator up from the lower level of this huge, gaudy building in the financial district of Toronto, Canada back to the ground floor, where the fourth George A Romero “Dead” movie “Land of The Dead” is filming this evening. In full horrifying zombie makeup, I have just been to the toilets, where I tried not to wash too much of the fake blood off my hands and was grinningly told I looked like shit by some random guy using the urinal next to me. As the film crew comes into view on the horizon I feel oddly as if I am in the surreal middle of some sort of wish-fulfillment dream over two decades in the making. I am going to shoot my first crowd scene and am nervous as hell. As I approach the milling zombie extra swarm I reflect for the millionth time on the long, strange journey that has led me from Scotland to the Great White North and my fast-approaching flesheater stardom and it still doesn’t seem any clearer or more believable…

The author buried somewhere among the hordes of the undead


ZOMBIES MAN, THEY CREEP ME OUT

1981. I am 11 years old in Falkirk, Scotland (directly between Glasgow and Edinburgh, if you’re interested and need a geographical reference point). Video recorders have not been out for too long (you have to pay to join places to rent tapes) and are still a novelty. My primary school friends and myself are horror film fans and, this being the golden age of the so-called UK ‘video nasties,’ the shops are full of bloody horror videos to sate our morbid-wee-shite preteen gorehound appetites. Whenever one of us sees a new sick flick we breathlessly report the next day to the rest about this sick crazy weird really gory mad film ye shoulday seen it this vampire guy zombie cannibal ninja creature gets ripped tae bits shot in the heid falls off a building heid chopped off smashed tae fuck attacked by an alien cut in half stabbed slashed sliced diced melted mutilated mauled and so on and so forth, excitedly describing the latest entry into our own private atrocity exhibition gallery to our awestruck friends. Our parents are fairly liberal (or just plain crazy) and let us watch pretty much what we want, and we are having a great time seeing the craziest goriest sleaziest vilest vicious violent videos we can. One day my pal-at-that-time Derek McLaren tells me about this great-sounding undead effort called “Zombie Flesheaters” (a Lucio Fulci film know as “Zombie” in the USA) and this amazingly cool bit where a woman’s eye gets impaled on a piece of wood. It sounds magic and I decide that this new classic, which becomes mythical among my group of peers, is the film I am going to get out the next time I go to the video shop.

Or when there's no more room in hell or too long a line at Dennys


So my father and I trail up to a shop in Falkirk whose name I can’t even remember now (but I can still recall the interior in vivid, lurid detail) and we go to the horror section to get the film. I can’t see the box and, being a shy 11-year-old kid, get my dad to go up to the counter and ask for it. It isn’t in, but the guy behind the counter lifts up the box for another film, “Zombies: Dawn of The Dead” and says they’ve got that one in, would that do instead? I have never heard of this film, and don’t really want to see it, I want to see “Zombie Flesheaters,” dammit, cos after all that’s what I went to the shop for, but I was too shy to say I don’t want this poor substitute for Derek’s great film and nod my head mutely. And so we take this film on Intervision Video by some guy named George A. Romero home and, in disappointment, I put it in the video recorder…


…and blow my young fucking mind.

Misleading Fulci-esque UK Intervision artwork 


This unexpected filmic discovery, about a group of people who hole up in a shopping mall to get away from zombies taking over the earth, is absolutely great too. It’s really, really sick and gory, with loads of folk getting shot in the heid and a zombie getting the top of its heid chopped off by a helicopter blade and zombies getting run over by trucks and a screwdriver getting stuck into a guy’s ear, and I can’t wait to tell the boys about this one. I watch and re-watch the film, taking it round to my auntie Mima’s (another great place to see horror films) in an adjacent street to show my uncle Gary, who stays round there at weekends, and he thinks it’s great too. The film really makes an immediate impact, and even after I have told my friends about it and they have seen it and we have dissected every death and smart (British word for ‘cool’) bit in it, I re-rent it at irregular intervals and it never grows tiresome to watch and, over time, becomes my all-time favorite film.


REWIND AGAIN!

(Brief digression: it was only this year that I realized (upon careful reflection) the reason “Zombies: Dawn of The Dead” made such an impact on me was because when I saw it in 1981 I had only recently returned to Scotland the year before from South Africa, where I had spent the ages of five to ten (my first five years being spent in Scotland) living with my parents and brother. There was a shopping mall called Eastgate just outside Johannesburg that we used to visit at weekends sometimes and the shopping mall in the film (complete with first-generation videogame machines like Boot Hill) reminded me of Eastgate and the times I had spent there. But I never thought of that at the time, at least not consciously (funny the way the mind works, eh?). I just thought it was a bloody great film, and I still do.)

(Second digression: a few years ago at the Edinburgh International Film Festival the documentary “American Movie,” about wannabe-director Mark Borchardt’s attempts to make low-budget horror films in Wisconsin, was screened. I recognized the guy’s horror film fan mindset immediately and could relate to his intense Romero zombie fandom. I had to interview director Chris Smith and producer Sarah Price after I saw it. I put it to them that Borchardt had obviously named his daughter Dawn after “Dawn of The Dead.” Smith looked at me in amazed bemusement for a few moments, then said “You know, you’re the first person who ever got that.” Make of that what you will, but “Dead” fans recognize their own…)



Anyway. Let’s fast-forward this old, chewed story-videotape (sorry if the picture jumps or is poor quality in places) a few years. I find out piecemeal bits and pieces from reading horror magazine Fangoria (which I read when I was young, though I haven’t looked at an issue in over 15 years) about “Dawn of The Dead” (as I now know it is known in the US) and become a huge George A Romero fan. When I am 17 I am on a Youth Training Scheme and, with my meager ‘wage’ of 27 pounds (roughly $40) per week I go through on the train to Edinburgh and delight in finding hard-to-find years-old Romero tapes like “Night of The Living Dead” and the classic “Martin”. Purchasing the soundtracks for “Dawn” and “Day” I also buy a copy of ‘The Zombies That Ate Pittsburgh,’ which is a book about all of Romero’s movies. I really, really want to buy the (I think it was) $100 signed hardback version of the tome, but that proves to be beyond my limited financial capacities at that time. Over the next year or two, pissed off that “Dawn of The Dead” and “Day of The Dead” (which I love and see ten times at the pictures in Falkirk when it comes out in the UK, even opening the back door of the cinema so my 15-year-old brother Tony and his pal Mikey Martin can sneak in and see the film) that are cut in Britain I send off to the US for them from FantaCo in New York, and get the copies converted from British PAL to American NTSC myself: no way, no fucking WAY am I going to watch cut versions of classic films like these.
 
R.I.P. Scala Cinema


When I am 18 in August 1988, I attend a horror film festival, Shock Around The Clock 2, in London, at the now-sadly-defunct classic arthouse-cum-grindhouse Scala Cinema. I see some films like “Nekromantik” there and do the first US review of it for Deep Red, a now-defunct legendary splatter movie fanzine whose editor, Chas Balun, I have started corresponding with after reading about him in Fangoria and asking him if I could be a ‘foreign correspondent’ (with absolutely no knowledge whatsoever of what this might entail – ahhh blissful youthful ignorance and naivety – or how I might do it from my bedroom in my parents’ house in Bainsford in Falkirk with just a typewriter and no contacts in the film industry) for the zine and getting the go-ahead. The next year at Shock 3 a young man of 18 comes up to me and asks if I am Graham Rae. Ready for a fight, I reply that I am. He tells me his name is Justin Stanley (another Romero zombie movie freak), he has read my stuff in Deep Red, he likes it and asks me if I would like to help organize a horror film festival like the one we are currently at. I tell him yeah and give him Chas Balun’s phone number and tell him to say I sent him when he calls. By the tail end of 1989 Justin has put together a festival called Splatterfest 90, scheduled for February of 1990, and we go across to the USA (my first visit) to meet some of the guests in Hollywood.

Graham and Monika M. from Nekromantik 2.


Before we go to LA, though, we stop off at a snowblown Pittsburgh where we initially are going to be zombies in the limp remake of “Night of The Living Dead”, but it is rescheduled and a meeting we are going to have with Tom Savini pulls through. But we don’t care, because we visit the consumerist Mecca where “Dawn of The Dead” was filmed, Monroeville Mall. We wander round this familiar-yet-not site excitedly, taking endless photos and playing the comedic ‘Gonk’ music from the end of the film on a ghetto blaster I am carrying (which we are told to turn off by mall security), marveling at how much – or little – some of the place has changed since the film was made there over a decade before.

Turn down that Ghetto Blaster and no pie fighting either!


We then head off to Hollywood to meet Chas Balun and Scott Spiegel (director of a supermarket slasher film we want to show at the festival, “Intruder”) and, through Spiegel, who co-wrote “Evil Dead 2” with Sam Raimi, we get drunk with the Spidey director at his Silverlake abode one day as we play a Donald Trump board game (which was, as you might imagine, an incredible experience for a shy, bookish 20-year-old “Evil Dead” fan from a small boring Scottish town).


In more pleasant days before Spiderman 3 was unleashed upon the earth


Spiegel (a cool guy and a man to whom I owe some AMAZING memories – thanks Scott) also drove us over (listening on the ghetto blaster to Screeching Weasel’s classic second album Boogada Boogada Boogada, which had just come out at that time and a band of whom I was a huge fan; funnily enough, it has a song called ‘Zombie’ which references “Dawn” in it) in his open-top stick-shift European sports car to meet the super-amiable Greg Nicotero (of the venerable KNB EFX group), another guest at the Splatterfest, who had done FX on “Intruder.” Greg took us round the KNB studio, showing us super-cool FX props from films like “Tales From The Darkside” and the then unknown “Dances With Wolves” (think lots of fake dead buffaloes!), amongst others. Tickled pink that Justin and we knew his dialogue from “Day of The Dead” (in which he played the doomed soldier Johnson: “We used to talk to Washington all the time, they could hear us then!”), Greg gave Justin a WGON-TV sticker from the helicopter in “Dawn” and me a pen-marked script from the set of “Monkeyshines” by Romero. When Greg and Scott are in London for the Splatterfest two months after that, staying in a flat in Tooting, we also hang out. This is all pertinent, by the way, because it just basically illustrates how much Romero’s work has meant to me over the years. And it all leads full-circle, don’t you worry…



DEAD RECKONING BECKONING

Anyway. Years roll by, life’s trials and tribulations test and educate me. I start to write for the long-dead print incarnation of this very website (cosmic fact: Chris Gore was a zombie extra in the selfsame “Night” remake Justin and I were going to be zombies in), or more specifically the Film Threat Video Guide, an offshoot of the magazine. Through that mag in 1992 I meet Dave Williams, my brother-of-another-mother American twin (similar mindsets, music and literature tastes, etc), and we keep in contact over the years. As a writer/editor Dave moves from FTVG to American Cinematographer to Cinefantastique (which he left a few months ago to continue his own work) and, when he does so, he moves me with him, on the proviso that I can cut it in writing articles for these publications. I prove myself to him again and again, and his generous patronage (I owe you so much Dave – thanks for being one of the best for so long and putting up with me all these years) is the reason why I end up writing about stuff like Scottish art cinema (Lynne Ramsay and “Ratcatcher”) or Jim VanBebber (about the cinematography on his Pantera video for ‘Revolution Is My Name’) for AC. One of the world’s top film magazines, it’s a technical trade journal and I don’t come from a technical background…but hey, with enough balls and wordwork know-how even a monkey can follow writer’s guidelines and come up trumps, right?

Right.

Over on the Romero front, I stop following his work closely after “The Dark Half” but am still interested to hear about what he’s getting up to upon occasion. Or, more specifically, I’m interested to hear about the oft-raised-but-never-fully-verified rumors about an impending new “Dead” film “Twilight of The Dead,” which will be the end to the series that the original “Day of The Dead,” whose budget was lopped in half (and whose original script is excellent), was supposed to be. My idle “Day”-dreams of being a zombie in a Romero film (which assumed some sort of talismanic significance in my mind for a few years) fade quietly as I get older and move into new arenas of interest, leaving behind my horror fandom in my early 20s, although not my love of “Dawn” as my favorite film. By now I’m older and more educated as to Romero’s subversive social and societal subtexts in his “Dead” films and can see the nod-and-a-wink depth to them. But underneath it is all is just the sheer pleasure of seeing a world order I despise collapse and seeing an intelligently realized version of, as the director himself puts it in one clip of him I see, the vision of a new society devouring the old. The film is just a great remedy for any dazed days when I’m feeling hopeless or helpless or misanthropic at the state of the world, and the idea of a planet seemingly full of morons being wiped out and a new world disorder establishing itself is an extremely appealing one. 


Plus I still think zombies are really, really cool…

OK So how do we send one of those ROTLD missiles over to Zack Snyder so he never remakes Dawn 


DEAD SET ON A DEAD SET VISIT

In 2004 the much-debated, tedious, braindead “Dawn” ‘remake’ (or re-imagining or whatever the fuck you want to call it, which rips off the original “Day” script) comes out and I phone up BBC Radio Scotland and DEMAND to review it and do so, dismissing it and pointing people back towards the original, which has finally been released uncut on DVD in the last couple of years in the UK (having been snipped of six minutes on its initial video release). Stupid as it may be, the regurgitation remake has one good effect: its success, along with that of the “Resident Evil” films, convinces Universal Studios that they could make a mint if they put Romero back in the undead director’s chair to make another long-overdue installment of his own decades-spanning zombie flesheater holocaust saga. And thus the forever-rumblings about a fourth “Dead’ film start anew, only this time with real weight and it’s-finally-gonna-happen substance.

I tell Dave Williams that, if Cinefantastique are going to do a story on the film, I want to be the one who visits the set when it shoots. He agrees (earning a place in my good book until the end of time) and gives me the gig. I am fortuitously on holiday in Chicago (a short hop to Toronto, where “Land of The Dead” is filming) during December 2004, the omens are good…and I can hardly believe my luck as I jump on a plane to Canada on 12/01 and the culmination to a story that started over two decades before with an unsuspecting 11-year-old’s chance discovery of a horror classic in a long-gone Falkirk video shop. I get an added wee bonus on the plane. Actor Paul Dooley, who played Claude Elsinore in the 1983 Canuck cult classic “Strange Brew” (which just so happens to be one of my all-time fave films) is on the plane, and I tell him the film is great and shake his hand before settling down for the undead adventure to come.

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After a journey of a little over an hour I am in Toronto and get a limousine (all the while marveling at the whole thing) from the airport to the four-star Marriott Bloor hotel I am being put up in by the generous-cos-they-can-afford-it Universal Studios. Starving, I head down to the dining room after checking in. With my $100 (Canadian) per diem I get myself the most expensive $35 coupla-inches-thick steak (best I ever ate in my life) in the place, just because I can, and toast myself with a $12 glass of red wine. This is the life indeed; things just don’t get any better than this…

STAY TUNED FOR PART 2 COMING UP SOON . . .

The Chunkblow

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The Chunkblow Directed by Jamie Chimino and Ben Shutts, starring Corey Sprague (2015)

When this DVD screener arrived at ToG headquarters, you're fearless leader was beyond stoked! I've been a fan of Jamie Chimino (otherwise known as the head honcho at the Street Trash Archive) for a while and couldn't wait to get my stubby hands on a copy of his and Ben Shutts independent short film! 

You know you're gonna automatically like something outright because of what the film makers are influenced by and they proudly display them on screen. What immediately came to my mind from just the title alone was the trailer for Chunkblower by Chas Balun and Jim Van Bebber, a project that never got off the ground. This film would fit in perfectly among the gore soaked movies featured in the Deep Red VHS catalog.   

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face melting action!

In The Chunkblow, we have two rambunctious Genessee ale swilling metal heads named Billy and Marty (Corey Sprague and K.C. Caspar Hodge) who are busy raging as some "milfy" babe is busy making a cherry pie. They snort coke offa Deep Red cover and incoherently babble at each other in this two person freak out. One dude sports an Ultra Violent magazine shirt. They must've gotten a hold of some of that Meet The Feebles Borax coke because as soon as the Ginger hesher blasts off, his face and guts spool out Jennifer Aspinall/ Gianetto De Rossi style as the mother figure played by Debbie Osborn seductively licks the cherry pie drippings, it's all intercut in a gag inducing way. 

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Guts & Beer just what we crave!

Next, a reptilian puppet jumps out of the human grime puddle and strangles the other party dude until he yacks up a blood bubble-- oh yeah he's also armed and can't shoot straight. The 70's porn-esque mom felates a rolling pin and doesn't seem shocked by the upstairs body melt, I mean, the only reason she noticed it was because there's one main ingredient she forgot in her cherry pie, is it yeast? The Latex effects and splatter are all excellent and should prove to other independent horror film makers that you don't need to go the "CGI Sharknado" route. 

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I can't make heads or tails of what I'm seeing!

It's refreshing to see a film this short that delivers on all accounts, it's fun, there's tons of gore and it's even a little racy, go out of your way to catch this flick; it's astoundingly fun! My copy came with Marty's Metal Mix (aka the really cool score) and a button, there's also a collectable VHS version available. 

Under The Doctor

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Under The Doctor (1976 - Gerry Poulson)

    Review By Rob Vertigo

Man, oh man. I always figured the point of sexploitation was to give the viewer some sassy groceries to gaze upon. Sweet and tender flesh morsels that keep thumbs off the fast foreword button or pressing eject. If that's the case, then what is it about most British “sex romps” that blow this ideal? Italy and Spain always got it right - hell, they even IMPORTED UK babes to make it work. Under The Doctor is more like watching a tragic drag show without any fun routines. The women involved run the gamut from looking like Mick Jagger's present self equipped with sets of floppy chest sacks to a naked Cloris Leachman stand-in channeling Carol Channing’s voice. Sad face emoticon.Breast may be bountiful, but they ain’t blocking any of the facial features. 

Are my snaggly teeth distracting you away from my goodies?

Under the Doctor is of the standard therapist-does-interview routine, where the lead listens to troubled sex stories from a revolving cast of starlets. Barry Evans plays multiple roles in these farces as well as being the doctor who wearily listens to all the women’s woes. Could’ve be promising - ala Schoolgirl Report - but the old pudding heads involved make you wish it was a book on tape and not a VHS copy. No sir. Brutally unfunny and as tasty as a soiled sidewalk condom on yer tongue (not that I know what that tastes like - I swear). Goofy and obvious vignettes where bumbling fools google over bodacious ta-tas and romp in the hay. There are all the usual scenarios of office interview shenanigans. Rich twit gets a girl, and then she goes behind his back with some foppish dandy. The biology intern and the frisky head doctor who goes frigid post nuptials. Yada-yada-yada. Imagine a Mel Brooks comedy falling flat. Well, just imagine any 80’s Mel Brooks comedy. That bad. Okay the last chapter got me grinning a tad, but nowhere near a full mast approval.  I guess if it’s a Sunday and yer hung over and there’s no local fishing programs on the telly, you could do much worse. I so miss local fishing programs...

WATCH AN EPISODE OF FISHING WITH JOHN INSTEAD!

Bloody New Year

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Bloody New Year (1987 - Norman J. Warren)

        Review By Rob Vertigo

Now here's a turd in the punch bowl. Norman J. Warren was involved in a few shitty-yet-endearing UK flicks during the late 70’s and early 80’s - but this ain’t one of ‘em. Our adventure starts with a group of lame-stain teens hanging out at a small seaside carnival, only to be harassed by a gang of Sha Na Na rejects. During a carousel ride, these hooligans focus their “reign of terror” upon a vacationing American girl for no apparent reason. It’s really just some stupid high school level teasing, but heavy duty violence erupts nonetheless. 

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You can listen to Santana but you'll never be as cool as this fake Sha Na Na


Her friends try to put a stop to this bratty attack - and perhaps a small scuffle would make the most sense - but total annihilation of the fun park ensues with cars crashing through thrill rides, explosions and innocent bystanders getting killed. It all seems a tad much. Anyhow, our heroes quickly hi-tail it away in their 4x4 with a sailboat in tow.

Cut to the nearby water where this crew of misguided youth set sail to nowhere, again without any real apparent reason (this here is an ongoing theme, folks!). What seems like only a couple of feet from the shore, the boat crashes into a rocky ford and slowly begins to sink. Their only option is being beached Lost style on a nearby island, even though one could assume they might have just as well doggy-paddled back from whence they came.

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Cotton Candy and Neck sweaters are a Bitchin' combo


Quite rapidly, our dimwitted survivors find that this island is home to the Grand Hotel and its lost-in-time inhabitants. Ghosts, demons and other rubber-made nonsense have set up shop here and this is where the fun supposedly begins. These wayward teens get picked off one by one, by shoddy greasepaint ghoulies that would honestly even embarrass the yokels volunteering at a small town haunted house. Lot’s a colored lights flash (there’s even some Christmas trees to add to the effect!) and the occasional pool table floats about. Every eighties horror cliché gets a nod - swiping bits from The Shining to The Evil Dead and so on - in a sadsack attempt to scare or gross you out. And (surprise) all of this seems to happen for NO APPARENT FUCKING REASON. The gore is in abundance, but doesn’t punch balls hard enough to leave even the slightest sting. Joke shop store-bought body parts litter the scenes. Hapless victims run back and forth from the fields outside and back into the hotel again and to the fields outside and then back into the hotel, over and over. We all know they’re trapped here, but c'mon. Running in circles like this does no favors for anyone. Viewers will struggle with nausea, leaving some sad-sacks incapacitated. All the plot holes are failed to be filled during a long winded explanation set against a sock hop turned spook show. A very low attended sock hop, mind you - it only features one spook. A spook suffering from a horrible curling iron catastrophe. This frazzled spectre weaves together a haphazard tale of a crashed plane and a mysterious time shifting device that has stalled the lives (and plot) of all involved for eternity. This sounds like an Eagles song. Check out any time you like, but you can never leave. Honestly, the song is better. Big goddamn whoop. All hell breaks loose and the carny ride, Elm Street bubblegum walls and hokey mirror tricks continue. A couple of good ax wounds to the head spring forth and an elevator offers up some juicy amputations, but nothing is gonna’ lift this from the crud-swamp it’s sinking in...

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Bargain basement Elm Street effects


This Bloody New Year vibes a bit like another big box fodder of video store past - Class Reunion Massacre - but it's nowhere near as classy (!?!).

It’s bad, but not as bad-golden as it needs to be to keep things entertaining.  If yer a glutton for punishment or have high tolerance for trash like Attack of the Beast Creatures (reviewed right here by Steve Fenton) - then by all means, seek this out. As for me, I want off this crazy ride. A well deserved kudos goes out to the filmmakers for pushing the shit-pop soundtrack band Cry No More over mention of cast and crew. Someone was definitely sleeping with someone. Gack. 

WATCH HERE

The Zodiac Killer

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The Zodiac Killer (1971 - Tom Hanson) 

Review By Rob Vertigo

Exploiters over the years have had no qualms with parading out cinematic atrocities based on real-life killing sprees. Time topical flicks like Satan’s Sadists and The Helter Skelter Murders hit theater marquees before the Tate and La Bianca hearts had even stopped bleeding. But in the case of this little charmer, I’m not even sure if the Zodiac was done completing his initial rounds. Shot in '69/'70 it begins with a hokey SF Chronicle blurb touting this film as a public service; like it’ was gonna’ keep you safe from the murders after you watch it. That might be the case had they stuck a bit closer to the killers’ M.O. - as I’m pretty sure the Zodiac never bashed a woman’s head repeatedly under a car hood or dressed in Marx Bros joke attire. If these are facts, they've evidently been left out of the books and bigger Hollywood productions. 


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Groucho needs slaves for the afterlife




This scungy gem of celluloid slop gives you two suspects to cast yer blame upon: a balding, disgruntled and alcoholic trucker going through a nasty divorce and a hostile yet sensitive postal worker (uh-oh) who talks to rabbits in his spare time. There's also a third screwloose that’s introduced; a weird old perv in high-waist pants who comes along to talk smack about women being worthless once out of their teens. “Keep ‘em young, plump and dumb…” he adjects. YIKES. 

I'm not gonna’ tell you who gets saddled with blame, but one who doesn’t takes a mighty fall at the halfway mark. Directed fairly dry and in a very matter-of-fact (and fiction) fashion, Zodiac Killer plays out with made for TV charm, only with a few delirious scenes of violence sprinkled within. There are historically accurate moments - such as the lovers lane murders and the beach side hogtie killings - that are interspersed with random reckless retardedness - like the above car hood incident or the strange scene of the Zodiac praying at his Gods’ altar - but it’s hard to fault the filmmakers sensationalism when the case wasn’t even cold. You gotta' keep this shit entertaining, right? The “keeper moment" of the flick comes in the form of a strangely dark and hokey double stabbing incident on the beach. The sickly muted colors of the faded print paired with the victims’ grotesque American flag bikini and Tempera paint bloodletting- all lensed via fish-eye cinematography, mind you - makes for quite a grisly and effective segment. If the retractable knife wasn’t so obvious, it would border on a snuff believability. 


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OK Harry Reems, invite me to one of your Nicholson/ Beatty drugged out soirees or die



If yer into celluloid barrel-scrapers along the lines of Drive-in Massacre or Three on a Meathook, there should be something in this for you to grasp. If you can’t tolerate local college theater performances or think that the Don’t Answer the Phone serial killer monologues were too unrealistic - you should take the Golden Gate exit, pay the toll and head for safer pastures. 

ORDER THE SWV DISC HERE

Green Inferno

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The Green Inferno (Cannibal Holocaust 2, Paradiso Infernale, Yellow Dream) Directed By Antonio Climati, Starring Marco Merlo (1988).

Are you searching for a gentle cannibal film, one where none of the savages fill their bellies with steaming hot entrails and there's no animal deaths which is a good sign in my book. Or perhaps you love Florida and air boat rides, then sit back and enjoy this Antonio Climati romp. Don't get too relaxed though (especially in the sphincter area), because this film features something I've never seen in any jungle adventure exploitation movie--Anal fish! 

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Be on the look out for Butt lovin whales too

Right off the get go, we're on the wrong track for a distant relative to an Umberto Lenzi or Deodato nasty because they all must start off in NYC, it's scientifically proven! Then straight after we escape from the urban civilization to the savage world. Inferno starts off in Florida and comes off like an all nerdy episode of Thunder in Paradise (without Hulk Hogan--he called in sick). 

Some zippo flicking dude named Korenz is missing in the Amazon as shirtless men who both kinda look like John Stockwell and their frizzy haired buddy ride around town and hijack a miniplane while smooth jazz plays! I'm talking so classy, it sounds like The Bold & The Beautiful is gonna start up any minute now.

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I brought the Funk!

 An alternate title for this was Cannibal Holocaust 2, I bet some gore hounds out there were pretty upset once they popped this in the VCR and saw that absolutely no animals were harmed (Whew, says I)! Climati is no stranger to the sick world of Mondo and worked as a cinematographer on Goodbye Uncle Tom, Mondo Cane, Africa Addio and This Violent World. Why he decided to do the right thing and spare all the magnificent creatures is anyone's guess, maybe he finally grew a conscience.

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Are these Newman's Own shrunken heads really organic?

They spend so much time on the runway showing you the mechanics of a small plane that it's almost like an instructional video (make sure you jot down some notes)! If I were a 4 year old and liked planes and trucks, I'd be enthralled. Ok, this film is half rewarding, half dull. Don't look now because Gemma a tropical journalist finds a hut where an inbred goon with a head shrinking operation shows her in detail how to get those large skulls extra tiny! This film is so informative, I've already learned so much. Fred the frizzy haired glasses wearing geek reminds me of the science character from Beer Fest played by Steve Lemme.

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Duh look at me I'm a pilot!

The three main characters go shopping and hang out in the town square, they are looking for Garcia aka The Piranha. They find him gambling on race frogs, I'm betting Eli Roth is really gonna make his version of this film super exciting, if it ever comes out! The funny thing is, it could actually use a remake, but it's only related by title obviously. 

Ahoy Matey, welcome to Eli Roth's Long John Silvers

Fred (Marco Merli, who also co-wrote the script), a horn playing anthropologist is a man of many talents and gives a monkey mouth to mouth! They find a boat and set sail down the muddy river and this is where we see the famous "ass fish scene"!

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Deleted scene from Stand By Me

There is more male nudity then there really should be as more bowl hair cutted natives drop trou and venture into balmy terrain. It's fascinating to see most of the animals usually slaughtered for no reason at all walking around unharmed (turtles, ant-eaters, cute monkeys), it's almost as if Climati tried to rectify the mistakes other Italian cannibal directors have made with animal cruelty. This film is also unique in that the whites aren't trying to exploit the natives and they actually all get along. They do encounter a waring tribe who starts up shit because they want to eat the monkeys. That tribe is so dumb that they let the white people go because they are so impressed by their tape recorder.

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Don't be jealous of Koala's boobs Gemma


A pretty indio named Koala who has light bulb boobs joins up with the crew and they all get along famously (so there's no need for a rape or Cannibal Holocaust style impalement). Indiana Jones would be terrified by this film, what with the concept of a "Python Blowjob" as punishment! That aforementioned scene is so odd, a grizzled man with a gun threatens the dudes and they all pull down their pants like they are into it, I'm just so confused by The Green Inferno! If it's a cannibal film, it fails miserably, it's too gentle and yet it tries at the same time to be demented and weird while covering it up with more tedium and diversions. It's way out of its element and a strange mix of playing it safe (no one is really hurt at all) in a genre that's all about primitive man, Nativism, dominance and cruelty; it's an odd duck for sure!


FOR CANNIBAL COMPLETISTS ONLY, COULD'VE BEEN RATED PG-13! 

MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT OUR TRIBUTE TRAILER! 

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HAHA, I bet you didn't count on my schlong being longer than the python!


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Monkeys are so safe in this flick, they take a nap

Deadly Dogs, vol. 1

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by Goat Scrote

     I'm very fond of dogs, both the real and cinematic kind. I'm only a little bit ashamed to declare that I enjoy movies like "Balto" and "The Adventures of Milo and Otis". Here on ToG I've already admitted to being a fan of much weirder things than cutesy movies about dogs. I have also loved scary movies all my life, and I've had a special love of killer animal flicks ever since movies like "Jaws" and "Prophecy" scared the piss out of my impressionable younger self.
     To sum it all up, I have a strange idea of fun which led me to compile a list of movies featuring one or more killer canines as a principal element. Then I set out to watch as many as possible in order to figure out which ones are nummy treats and which ones are turds. I'll be posting brief reviews for many of them, in no particular order, a few at a time.


Man's Best Friend (1993)

     The Dog(s): Max, a super-powered genetically modified organism based mostly on Tibetan Mastiff DNA.
     Mainly a ripoff of: Frankenstein

     Summary: Mad scientist Lance Henriksen creates Max in a lab. Snooping reporter Ally Sheedy liberates the sweet-seeming GMO. She is unaware that Max understands English and has an array of unusual abilities. He has also already killed at least one person. Max is psychopathically possessive of his mistress and he doesn't want to share her with other living things. He also has a vendetta against mailmen, paperboys, and cats, as you'd expect. 
     The animal action is good and plentiful. Max is portrayed as an actual character with personal motivations which change and develop. This sets him apart from most of the critters in the animal-attack genre, where they are commonly a one-dimensional threat. In the end Max really just wants to be loved.


     Best Scene: Max chases a cat up a tall tree, climbs up after it, and gulps down the astounded feline whole! A close runner up is the scene where the jealous dog pisses caustic acid in the face of Ally Sheedy's boyfriend. Only a truly mad scientist would weaponize urine.
     Dishonorable Mention:The deceptive poster art shows a cyborg Rottweiler instead of Max. This movie has no other perceptible flaws. None worth mentioning, anyhow.
     Recommendation: This movie is fun to watch, even though it's very light on blood and guts and not all that scary. It's a personal B-movie favorite because of its juvenile sense of humor and because Max the super-powered killer dog could eat a dozen Cujos for breakfast.



Dogs (1976, aka Slaughter)

     The Dog(s): Common domestic dogs of all kinds get organized and turn against humanity.

     Mainly a ripoff of: The Birds

     Summary:  The dogs are forming a collective, hive-like intelligence thanks to some sort of scent-based pheromonal communication. Interesting premise, boring movie. A biologist tries to save the day and fails miserably, played by a beardy David “Man From U.N.C.L.E.” McCallum. McCallum's hair is the real star of the show. How did he get those tresses so shiny and silky soft? The dogs are even more adorably fuzzy than he is. They must use the same conditioner.
     These canines are clearly more interested in milk bones and frisbees than devouring human flesh. It’s so precious when they swarm like that! During most of the "kill" scenes, nothing can hide the fact that they are just play-wrestling and having a good old time. The animals basically win in the end.


     Best Scene:A massive assault on the poorly-chosen human refuge, which has plate glass walls, begins a little after an hour and twenty minutes in. It ends with a huge pile of bloodied corpses and one dazed survivor.
     Dishonorable Mention: Around the hour mark, Linda Gray (Sue Ellen Ewing on the TV show "Dallas") is killed in a shower attack scene which pays extremely clumsy homage to an entirely different Hitchcock movie. Also worth a dishonorable mention, the movie freezes on a final image of a hissing domestic cat as the credits roll to imply that they will be the next species to turn.
     Recommendation:Start at around 60 minutes and watch through until the end credits. You'll see pretty much all the bloody and exciting parts of the movie without having to endure the dull buildup.




Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell (1978)

     The Dog(s):A cuddly German Shepherd with a pedigree tracing back to Satan Himself.
     Mainly a ripoff of: The Omen, Rin Tin Tin

     Summary:Animal-attack and Satanic movies were both in vogue during the '70s, and “The Omen” successfully combined both, so it was inevitable that someone else would try to exploit both niches at once. This limp, bloodless TV-movie fails to scratch either itch. Evil cultists purchase a bitch in heat and summon the devil so that, it is implied, Old Scratch can make sweet love to her. This is Phase One in their plan for global Satanic dominion? No wonder they keep failing. The devil-worshippers give away the resulting litter and the story follows one of the chosen families, as Rosemary's Puppy dominates minds, corrupts souls, and telekinetically murders anyone standing in the way.


     Best Scene:The climactic battle between pure-hearted master Richard Crenna and the devil dog. The dog's completely ridiculous "true form" is on display, and whatever budget the movie had is blown on a series of campy camera effects. Somehow, it's still not clear how destroying a handful of suburban families was supposed to lead to the thousand-year reign of the Prince of Darkness.
     Dishonorable Mention: The scene in which the dog tries (and fails) to telepathically force his master to plunge a hand into the whirling blades of a lawnmower. It's a gruesome thought reduced to laughable absurdity. The camera cuts back and forth between the dog and master. The former is relaxed and adorably non-threatening, the latter is doing his level best to convince the audience he’s in a raging psychic battle of wills for possession of his fingers.
     Recommendation: Watch the Satanic ritual at the beginning and the battle at the end if you're in the mood for some cheese. Skip everything in between because life is precious and you won’t get that time back.

Eternal Evil Of Asia

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Eternal Evil of Asia Directed By Cash Chin Man-Kei, Starring Ben Ng Ngai-Cheung (1995). 

It's been a thousand years since we've delved into Asian territory (excluding Anime of course). I'm talking less cartoony and more Golden Harvest or Media Asia type shit--usually I'll dust off one of these for Weng's Chop, but this time no, you the ToG reader deserve to know about the eternal evil!

I'm not sure yet what that entails, but Skunkape and I watched this together when it was streaming on Netflix long ago, this was waay before every other streaming app offered better content and you had to put up with whatever they spewed out. Netflix did everyone a service when they bought this one but took it away pretty quick! Anyway, the only thing I vaguely remember about EEOA is that a man has a penis sized face with a giant urethra on top and it was a hilarious drunken moment (we were pretty fucking drunk at the time).

The prologue is just insanity, an enchanted ghost kid's soul is stolen by a wizard and used to kill, he loves watching movies and the narrator warns never to take him to the toilet. Already we're dealing with a frenzied and creative HK horror film that can just go anywhere from this point on. I'm down to follow its path if you are!

An abusive father played by Bobby Au-Yeung Jan-Wa hates Ramin, threatens his kid and wife and receives a scary phone call by other ghosts who wail that they want to eat all the Cup-O-Noodles in the house. I'm starting to think this is overt product placement, but who cares it's wildly entertaining and the fish eyed camera spins and circles down the hall as spirits shove noodles down the bastard dad's gullet. Someone behind the scenes is controlling his voodoo doll as he sees extreme close-ups of ghouls that drive him to plunge off a balcony onto some fluorescent lights that impale him. Again, wildly creative shit, am I right?

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LEAVE ME ALONE, go haunt a college campus!

According to this film, everywhere in Asian society people are afraid of being enchanted by a wizard, they must be terrified of Gandalf or Dumbledore. A gaggle of females act like they're at a bachelorette party and one of them explains how to smooth out the wrinkles on your man's balls, illustrating it with a paper bag.

One wife from the party didn't learn much and refuses her husbands meager advances, it gets worse for him because a sorcerer stole his hair from a barber shop and is controlling a voodoo doll of the poor sap. She's played by Ellen Chan Nga-Lun from Fatal Love and The Wizard's Curse. I'm already over joyed at the amount of entertainment packed into this flick and we haven't even hit 30 mins yet!


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Then roll it in batter and fry it!


This film has a strange concept of a cursed voodoo doll effecting male enhancement, giving boners or taking them away, (if this were real, tons of elderly horn dogs would be ordering them out of the back of comics all over America).

Suddenly a hair salon witch volunteers to help destroy the ghost using fire and a magical worm. There's truckloads of weird shit to describe but I'm gonna just leave it up to you to see it for yourself, this film is pretty jam packed with mind blowing wackiness.

One character insults the wizard by calling him a dickhead and becomes his own snarky remark, it's one of the most surreal and funny minutes in HK cinema. The transformed dickhead character is played by Elvis Tsui Kam-Kong, who has quite a resume and we've reviewed almost every other film he's appeared in like Chinese Torture Chamber Story, Boxers Omen and The Seventh Curse.

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Please don't pee on me or choke yourself too hard!

Laimi (played by Ben Ng Ngai-Cheung of Red to Kill fame) is the main offending wizard, there's a scene where he gets "babalitied"Mortal Kombat style by two opposing male and female warlocks who 69 each other in mid flight as they battle. Then as you might expect it gets even crazier as Laimi knocks the females head off with a hex and it goes spinning toward his buddies crotch and her teeth clamp down as her noggin falls to the ground. His four buddies (even the one with the dick face) are in luck because there are benefits to being a wizards pal, for instance he will never trick or hurt his own friends, apparently that's the code of the whiz (which later on becomes total bullshit)!


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69 DUUUUDEE!

In Hong Kong, wizards are very clean cut and domestic but still total pervs, it's kind of funny because they are very unassuming. The horniest part of the movie is when they create a love hex and show off the main wizard's sister's full bush. It goes horribly wrong and makes all the dudes have an orgy with her and I won't go into all the details, but Yada yada yada she gets stabbed and dies. I forgot to mention the fluorescent light victim from the beginning keeps showing up periodically and asking if anyone will have tea with him, he's just a barrel of laughs!

The hexes get even worse (if you can believe that) and cause this one dude to get so hungry he eats himself to death like a Chinese Pizza the Hutt!

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Artist's representation of Chinese Pizza The Hutt

In the second half of the film, throw out all the things you've heard about the honor of a wizard towards his friends because the evil portion starts to take over. The first to go is the dickhead guy, he actual gets turned into an Asian cenobite and foolishly leaves the Buddha Net. The net is designed to help and protect you from ghosts and demons, so if you're ever in trouble stay inside and don't leave until it's safe!

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Take your own advice buddy!

This film is never tedious, but its running time is slightly extreme, that being said I highly recommend watching it in two parts, take an intermission, have a snack and watch the rest later because the assault on your brain and eyesockets is too much to take in one viewing. It ends on a bat-shit crazy note as the warlock receives a long distance invisible blowjob, how's that for a climax!

A CATEGORY III WINNER, GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO SEE IT!


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Chinese Henry Rollins?

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My invisible tube steak has a first name, it's O.S.C.A.R.


The Sky Has Fallen

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The Sky Has Fallen Directed By Doug Roos, Starring Carey Maclaren (2009/2015).

I was blindly approached by the filmmaker/editor/make-up artist one man wrecking crew Mr. Doug Roos on FB and holy shit am I glad! It's hardly ever that I'm immediately impressed by a new independent gore film (this one opens with torrents of artery juice sputtering all over the forest trees). During the credits a rampant infectious disease ala-Nightmare City or ebola (the plague, not the film) has turned the population into walking meatloaves. The music is seriously effective and the splatter effects are inspired (Roos over amps the fact that these are "practical" not CGI, which I'm over joyed at)! Lance, the main protagonist played by Carey Maclaren is a samurai sword wielding stoic who also uses guns to battle the plaid wearing infected former humans. He's obsessed with stopping the leader who caused the plague. In the woods, where the film is primarily centered he finds a girl named Rachel played by Laurel Kemper.


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Batter Up!

The snapping and breaking of bones and bloody muscles is ear splitting as the black skeleton hand tears through human flesh. The film handles the carnage in a grimly serious way, none of it is all that amusing (the overly serious music sets that tone for sure). Rachel and Lance find a diary of a priest whose daughter and the foreboding menace has convinced him that there's no reason to keep his faith. Technically the movie is brilliant, but the only flaw I can see is that the two main actors are very stiff and a little too reserved in such a dire situation. It's hard to notice though because the style and gore make up over shadow the acting.

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If you try to connect the dots on my face with a Sharpie, I will shoot you!

One standout barbecued creature (who wears different severed heads as trophies on his belt) attempts to over power Lance, as he hacks and slices causing the red stuff to shower the green forest. There's also these cool faceless ghouls in hoods who silently show up, these are the ones that possibly started the world wide infection. Their ominous presence is left to your imagination. The dripping gory infected humans sort of bumble around and get split open by the sword or shot at by the main characters. Critics have accused Roos of imitating The Walking Dull or some other rehashed flavorless zombie trend currently bobbing toward the surface but in an interview with Horror Galore, he mentions how he was influenced by the Japanese cinema of Kurosawa and Ryuhei Kitamura.

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Help! I can't breathe under this make-up

Even though this is a film about a plague and we've seen this theme recycled before, the movie manages to use the "zombies" (or infected people aspect) in a very original and creative way, making it not a typical film at all. I enjoyed this independent horror flick, even with its short comings (the monotone acting slightly irritated me), but I expect more quality projects from this film maker and feel that it's worth checking out. The DVD, which has cool special features showcasing the creature makeup is available on Amazon.com.     



Demon Lover (The Devil Master)

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Demon Lover (The Devil Master, Coven, Master of Evil), Directed By Donald G. Jackson 1977.

I wouldn't say I'd call myself a fan of Donald G. Jackson, but his early work has such an endearing scuzzy quality that I find it irresistible beyond all comprehension. Mind you, I had zero information venturing in that this film had such an extensive history and every movie nerd had already seen the making of documentary "Demon Lover Diaries" besides me. Everything I knew about Jackson was through his attachment to Troma ("Frogtown" and "Nukem High 2"respectively?), plus awhile ago I reviewed his wrestling doc from 74 (and released in 85), ''I Like to Hurt People". 

Faster than you could subdue your worst enemy into a sleeper hold, that flick was yanked down from Youtube (Demon Lover Diaries which was also streaming for a brief time period is also gone). So I blindly started to review this flick having no idea that it had any connection at all to the banned PBS doc about racism and teen age dope smokers "Seventeen", which I'd just watched on Fandor and dug like a madman. Joel DeMott and Jeff Kreines made that brilliant film a few years after "Demon" in 1983 and went onto critical acclaim and infamy, whereas Jackson directed a film with Joe Estevez called "Baby Ghost" in 1995 that made me want to claw my own eyes out with a butterknife! So be prepared to have your eyeballs punched out especially if you like inept Satanism and dopiness because you're about to reach the epitome of stupid! Here's what excitement awaits you, adventurous viewer, if you stick it out through the film in question.

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I'm Farting soo hard with all my might!

Some dirt farmer named Laval (Jerry Younkins), to use an outdated grunge term to describe a metal dude from the 70's with dead hair growing out of his scalp, awakens a pretty blonde with some black magic at his castle. On a totally sad and predictable note, Younkins is yet another demented Right Wing nutjob currently on FB (look him up for some mind-blowing hilarity)!

Here I was all ready to re-enjoy the antics of Scott Valentine from "Family Ties," but instead I got more than I bargained for with this dank VHS pick that had more notoriety than I could've imagined. The blueish tints and blacks mingle so much that it looks like a negative at times. Laval (who I thought at first was named Lavar, as in the guy from "Reading Rainbow") is busy controlling lost souls with his hokey demonology.

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The Cowardly Lion and Bobby Liebling of Pentagram mated and had me

According to legend, the actor deliberately sliced off his finger at his factory job to collect the insurance money to finance this very project, if that's not bat-shit insanity I'll eat a delicious baked Alaska then take a long nap!  

Next we're violently tossed into an eyesore of wackiness so abrupt that it took a few rewinding just to register the gloryiness of the awkward people dancing and carousing. Let's see, there's the Zappa guy with a top hat, a Ramones reject named Damian, a pudgy midget and a Brad "two BBQ's" Delp looking bearded fellow. Lavar, the hesher with the dried out crispy hair (which is obviously a bad fright wig) and Toki Wartooth/ Fu Manchu type facial hair, bullies a poor blonde into partaking in a satanic orgy. His demeanor, shouting and cheesy leather gloves and grandstanding makes him look like a WWF wrestler (Don G. is definitely connected to all sorts of pro wrasslers but Younkins isn't one of them, he just comes off that way) My eyes were feeling a little too bleary but after watching just 15 minutes of this flick, I was hooked like a fish-- I mean its that insanely fun and clunky. After all the party goers bail, The devil dude finally gets his satanic wish and an ugly naked chick lies on the alter and assists him with some abra cadabra. He intones nonsensical shit like "Lingerama, Calga, whatever".

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care for a Burnt Weeny Sandwhich?

This is the perfect movie to discover late at night at the crack of dawn by accident on TV, but don't get me wrong I'm grateful it's the future and I found it on YT. It's incredibly fun and dopey, the score is pretty good too--I mean that is if you like shitty casio ala-"Don't Answer The Phone" style noodling. 
A mustachioed cop named Frazetta pulls up to a donut shop and questions the counter girl about that Satanic cult (maybe everyone in town is in on the conspiracy). The characters and vibe of this film reminds me of the opening of Buddy G's "In The Name of" video, just metal dudes everywhere drinking, partying and having a total blast! People prattle on and on about how much better the real story behind this one was and I'm inclined to believe them, since I have yet to watch it. If you like dumb trash and obviously you do, otherwise you wouldn't be here, then trust me, this one is essential viewing!

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This dude is the best!

The donut girl mysteriously kills her own mother in a car crash and then runs smack dab into a goofy cartoon devil! The devil looks similar to the Dio mascot and has glowing red eyes, it looks like that sub-creature would pal around with the plastic demon from Thor's "Rock and Roll Nightmare". Damien the denim wearing hooligan is against all the carnage that comes with worshiping the Devil and wants to stop Laval. He's a total sell out, sort of like the boyfriend character who breaks away from Horace Bones and his gang in "I Drink Your Blood". I realize that I'm giving this film a lot more credit than it deserves but truth me on some primordial level it's immensely entertaining.

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Bought at a Dollar Tree half price!

Back at the station more fried dough eating authority figures with droopy staches and hideous glasses clumsily push pencils and make phone calls.   
One cop is so dumb that he has to look up levitate in the dictionary (I'm guessing he missed "The Exorcist"). It's time to get even more ecstatic because guess who shows up in full 70's fro playing a paranormal psychiatrist, it's Gunnar "Leatherface" Hansen! The headcheese eater plays a Dr. named Peckinpah, so clever aye? 
Hansen is so iconic for his signature role that he never really had to ever appear in anything else but whenever he did it's usually in a throw-a-way part. I've never seen "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" because I don't want to get Fred Olen Ray-bies but imagine Hansen just kind of shows up and collects the check, which is fine good for him.

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Would you kindly direct me to the nearest meathook

Frazetta confronts Lavar at his "castle, where there's no hassle". Next we're abruptly tossed into a karate training match (the pudgy ponytailed main star wears one long leather glove at all times, even under his robe while fighting). He tries out his new moves in a bar where foamy yellow suds are poured and vicious punishment is doled out. There's a pudgy Dan Clowes looking character who always hangs out with the stoners, maybe he's their designated driver. I felt really bad for the Frank Zappa stunt double dude who gets an arrow shot through his crotch (Laval is in the background pulling the puppet strings). It all ends on a messy note with no survivors. I'm not sure how I can recommend this film any more, it's incredibly retarded and genius! The Onion put it on their list of movies where the poster is more impressive that the finished product (which is sort of true), but the movie was so fun it made my week!

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! 

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is this to be the untimely end of Dan Pussey?

Devil's Woman

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Devil's Woman Directed by Norman "Otto" Chan Hok-Yan, Starring Elvis Tsui Kam Kong  (1996).

Thanks to porn site XVideos, I can watch this Cat III film (pardon the screen shots with that fucking annoying logo in the left corner). Chas claims in the catalog that this features Asia's tallest actor and babies being blown out of a pregnant women's belly, Woah lot's of craziness to look forward too right? 

It all starts off on the set of a movie with May, a poor abused actress played by Cammy Choi Mei-Lan, whose teeth are knocked out during a stunt. This seems realistic from what I've seen in most HK productions, the actors involuntarily perform stunts like it or not. She even makes a thinly veiled Jackie Chan joke. The director goes all Kubrick on her ass and cackles as she almost drowns "for the sake of art". 
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when's Rush Hour 12 coming out?

Penis head or Elvis Tsui Kam Kong the actor from a film I just reviewed (Eternal Evil) shows up as a guy named bald head. He's joined by Ben Ng, another actor from "Evil." calling Elvis bald head instead of dick head is not much of a stretch and he has psychic premonitions to boot. He's on a SWAT team that infiltrates a barn, where a dude who has no qualms about machine gunning a pregnant woman and said baby does indeed get bullet propelled out of the womb and smacks baldy right in the upper lip! Anyone excited to see this needs major therapy, but OK don't say this film didn't deliver its wretched promise! Happy Pappy?


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Yeah that baby might grow up to be Donald Trump, on second thought abort it!

Although there was no indication that the fictional film has stopped, so maybe we're still in fantasy land? Strike that, the tortured actress from the start is back again and given more torture to deal with. There's no establishment of anything in the land of Cat III, everything is hurled at you super fast and you are forced to deal with it immediately, instant gratification some might say!

A warlock or something (not sure, it happens so fast) poisons her with a spider that causes her to puke and than writhe around, this will somehow give her fame? According to HKMDB this is the moment she sells her soul to Satan. First off, I'm not even sure this woman wanted to be famous--but OK-- I'll play along subplot, I mean I guess it worked for Cassavette's character in "Rosemary's Baby".

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Hail Satan, I mean Sedan!

Bald head starts to lose sleep from the stress of being splattered by the dead baby and begins to have nightmares. He sees a pretty psychiatrist played by Marianne Chan Miu-Ying (who was also in "Ebola Syndrome"), who seems totally crazy and keeps a mirror on her desk as a test and stands over it with a short skirt to see if people will check out her vagina. Pretty wacky shit right? that's what you get with this kind of HK film.

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And if my cranium was still a penis I'd beat it into submission

Nothing is really all that hardcore, only suggested at and there's certainly no reason to find this on a porn site! Dr. Cheung (John Cheung Chan-Sang), a horny surgeon bonks May, who wears a cute new wave style haircut, the sex causes him to sprout facial veins, mutate then quickly die. I get the feeling though that he's on a time release and may spring back to life "Alien Nation" style.

There's a MST3K moment where Officer Baldhead gets a bottle smashed over his noggin and utters the profoundly confusing line "It's peanut"! I have to let that settle for awhile before I comment, I can only gather that the translation made no sense or is that a thing Chinese people say like "Meh, it's peanut, no Biggy", very confused! Maybe I'll start that trend of saying things are totally peanut and be helmed as a genius wordsmith, probably not though, let's just move on!


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Madam look more presentable, you're in a Cat 3 film for fuck's sake!
The storyline is pretty much thrown all over the place and it's hard to figure out if it's at all linear. Witchy sources are a foot in the background though and every so often they rear their ugly heads. An eyeball popping cat is on the attack and gets tossed in a microwave (Alf would be licking his greasy lips during this scene I'd imagine).


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That Elm Street Johnny Depp mattress claims another victim!

In Siskel & Ebert's review of Hellraiser 2, they whined about how nothing was linear and you could walk in on any random scene and have no connection to the storyline, I think they were talking about Devil's Woman and wandered into the wrong theater! Oh yeah I have to mention there's a scene where Baldy's dick actually hiccups, I shit you not!

This film is pretty infuriating if you try to follow along, but if you want a gruesome spectacle then just throw it on and turn your brain off, because it hardly made any logical sense to me, it's definitely out there though.

MAKE SURE YOU WATCH IT MORE THAN ONCE, TOO MUCH TO PROCESS! 

The Black Belly Of The Tarantula

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"The Black Belly Of The Tarantula" (1971)

Director: Paolo Cavara
Starring: Giancarlo Giannini, Claudine Auger, Barbara Bouchet
Review by: "Machine Gun" Kristin 

We meet again, Barbara Bach! I reviewed another film of hers here at TOG, "The Unseen" which you can read right HERE. I knew she looked familiar (she's very pretty, yet strange looking). I randomly chose "The Black Belly Of The Tarantula" because I know the Giallo (Italian for "yellow", referring to the covers of mystery/thriller books) genre can be sometimes tiresome to watch because there's so many, yet so few that are actually solid films. I think the other reviewers of TOG were a bit put off by Giallos in general because frankly, they're just not as much fun as Italian Horrors, even though both genres sometimes blend together simply because of their geographic origin. I think I unintentionally gave myself a spelling test with this particular film because I don't think I've "Tarantula" correctly on my own once while typing this out. haha
Giancarlo Giannini hugging a stray kitty

Here we have beautiful scenery, some good looking people, but mostly chase scenes and a disconnected plot line. I find films like this purely fun to watch since they're a great study in early 1970s European style, like a living breathing "Better Homes And Gardens" book from 1971. The hyper-sexualized soundtrack by Ennio Morricone makes the film seem more disturbing and sexual than it really is. It's more or less window-dressing. 

Here's two examples of songs that includes lots of moaning as well! 

"Black" is one of many Giallo mystery films, not so much horror since there's little gore and more thriller type scenes therein. Also, there are a bunch of these types of films that have much more interesting titles than the actual movies themselves that mostly include animals or insects. Similarly, Fulci's more successful Giallo, "Lizard In A Woman's Skin" uses this same device to give the film a more strange aura to it that may not have been so present in the first place. The visuals in that film are definitely more substantial though. In both "Lizard" and "Black", the title is referenced in only scene, as if it was completely an afterthought. In "Lizard" it's randomly spoken by Los Bravos lead singer, Mike Kennedy. Here, its used as a metaphor for the style of murders that keep occurring with a nasty battle between a wasp and a tarantula. I'd be hard pressed to believe that the title was not created before the film's first line of dialogue was even jotted down. I think if you asked the killer of this film about the tarantula theory, he'd probably disagree. DVD company, Blue Underground though says in their summary, that the killer is "injecting beautiful women with the poison of a rare wasp". I don't remember that at all. 
weird "mannequin hands"

who's hands are who's? 

This is just an okay movie, and I admit the second time I watched it, it was better. A young police detective (Giancarlo Giannini) is trying to figure out a suspect in a serial murder case. The victims are all young, beautiful women who are paralyzed by a large acupuncture needle, then disemboweled. The gore level here is low, but I definitely flinched at stabbing scenes of the needle held with gloved, mannequin like hands. That's always a horrifying scene for me personally in more extreme Italian horror; that otherworldly large floating appendage hacking away at some poor girl. The large hairy arm in "Suspiria", "House By The Cemetery" and "Tenebre" all have that similar killer's body off camera style that always creeps the hell out of me. The actual disemboweling here is a bit weak though, appearing more he's painted their stomachs instead of slicing into them. 


I had a hard time figuring out who was who the first time I watched it because there's at least 3 women with red hair. It was a bit frustrating. Also the overabundance of young guys with blockheads and dark hair was a bit confusing. I'm guessing this helps aid the "surprise ending", but I spotted the killer pretty quickly although when they were revealed him, I wasn't sure if I had the right person. hahaha. 
From L to R: The "friend" seemingly overdubbed by a gay man, the salon manager and the wife

poor Barbie!

I rate "Black Belly Of The Tarantula" 
☆☆ and a 1/2



You can watch it HERE

Here's the trailer:

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